Day 62 (11/23/14) "Her Mom let her down so many times"

I had my visit with my Husband and Son. It was wonderful. I love and miss them so very much. I absolutely love the two visits I get a week. It helps me get through every week, every day, and every minute. I know when I leave and got to receiving, there will be nothing, so I can only hold onto what I have now. 

I felt guilty before my visit, my bunkie was supposed to have her visit with her Mom yesterday morning. She was so happy and excited on Friday. Her oldest Son is with her Mom right now, so she thought she might get to see him too. On Friday, she was really struggling with her Dad’s passing and the meds. I just kept trying to keep her positive and hopeful. Then she finds out she had a visit and confirmation of her GED class. She was in high spirits. We cleaned our cell together for inspection, we talked, we laughed. My bunkie was doing really well and I was so happy for her. She got up this morning and got ready. She was waiting excitedly when the deputy had to to tell her that her Mom never checked in. So, either she was a no-show or she was late. You have to check in one hour before your scheduled check in. If you are 2 minutes late, your visit can and will get cancelled. The news just devastated her. She was very upset and so let down. I felt horrible. She went back upstairs and slept the rest of the morning. I checked on her and asked if she was ok. She was so angry at her Mom. She shared how her Mom let her down so many times in her life. How she would steal and hustle to get rent money because her Mom would gamble it away. It was really sad to hear and she was so disappointed because her Mom knew how much she needed and wanted to see her because her Dad just passed away. She was so alone and this just crushed her. She would rather do her time alone than be set up for disappointment. I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I just listened and was there for her. She spent the entire day really depressed and slept the day and night away. It’s really painful to see women go through this nightmare all alone without love and support from family and real friends. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I have the support, I think that’s why I want to help others while I’m in here. I try to share that love, encouragement, support, and inspiration with others who might not have it on the outside. But, I do worry about what family and friends will be here all the way through this nightmare. I know it will change. People move on and live their lives and they forget. I can’t ask them to stop living. It’s my fault. I’ll hold tight onto what I have now. 

I hope even though I am in here, I hope I can still help others and make a difference. I read this quote in this book I’m reading. I loved it, will never forget it, and will live by it. “Never look down on a man unless you are trying to help him up”. 

I signed up for patio time today. There is a patio section outside the housing units. In front of the two buildings, 3AB and 3CD, there are cement chairs and picnic tables. The area is out in the open with grass and trees. Each unit (A,B,C,D), gets specific days and times to go out on the patio. There are no “in and out” privileges. You sign up and once you come back in, you can’t come back out. I went outside and sat in the sun for over an hour. I did some exercises, walked a little, and just laid there and let the warm sun beat down on me. I felt alive to see the blue sky, feel the sun, and breathe the fresh air. It was the first time in 9 weeks I was able to enjoy the outdoors. 

I watched the Charger game and started a new book. I struggled a little today. I have my moments when my desire to be home overwhelms me. God I miss my Husband and kids. They really need more and longer visits her. My Husband and kids are my strength. As the day comes to an end, I am thankful another week as passed. 

Being deeply loved by someone give you strength

While loving someone deeply gives you courage 

Day 60 (11/21/14) "Life is happening without me"

Day 60 today. It’s hard to believe I’ve been here for 60 days. It’s tough, because I know life goes on. Life is happening and it’s passing me by as I go through my daily routine, that is nothing of substance. My family and friends are continuing on with life without me. It’s depressing when you think about it. But, I just focus on the positives. What I have learned, how I have changed, and the stronger person I have become. I remember, it’s only temporary. I have so much love and support backing me and a wonderful family to go home to. Not too many women in here can say that, unfortunately.  They have to do their time alone and when they get out, they face the reality where they will go, live, eat, what are they going to do, fight to get their kids back, try and find a job, all the harsh realities of life they will face. 

I found out today that Las Colinas actually offers a pre-release class that helps women find housing, services, employment assistance, and give you clothing vouchers. I am not sure how many women get to participate, because these services and classes are offered in the small re-entry part of the facility. Not the detention part of the facility. But, it’s a start and I hope this can be expanded in the near future to help more women. 

I have been helping my bunkie out with listening and talking to her about her Dad. Just being there for her as she grieves. Then she just found out that CPS is trying to take her kids. There’s a court date in December. Her kids are together and are well taken care of by her Sister, so I helped her out and we reached out to counseling about it. The counselor came and brought her paper work for guardianship and is assisting my bunkie with everything to insure her kids stay together and with her Sister. Then we got her signed up to get her GED. She starts class on Monday and I promised to help her with her homework and study for the exams. Then on her own, she signed up for NA meetings. She said she’s ready to turn her life around and do something. She wants to make her Dad proud. She plans on becoming an inmate worker next month, after she gets her meds taken care of. I am really happy for her. I think she’s really going to do it. The death of her Dad really hurts, but I think it was a blessing for her and the wake up call she needed. I am glad I could help her and be there for her. I hope she is successful with her second chance. 

It may be Stormy, but it never Rains forever 

Day 58 (11/19/14) There's something wrong with the meat

It’s hump day and one more day until my visit. Things are going by pretty quick. It’s a beautiful day out and the sun feels amazing. I wish we got to be outside more. The walks to lunch are my favorite. The sun feels great and it’s so beautiful out. Breakfast walks to the chow hall aren’t so enjoyable anymore. It’s freezing in the morning. It’s hard to get out of bed at 4am, from under your warm blanket and you have to go outside where it’s 38 degrees. I get up in the front of the line because I can’t get behind stragglers when I’m freezing ! I want to get there and get inside quick. 

The pregnant women in our dorm get a special diet for lunch only. Today, I found out the reason they get a special diet at lunch. They can’t eat the lunch meat that they serve at lunch, so they get chicken or eggs. This is a bit alarming to me because, what is wrong with the lunch meat that they can’t eat it and that it will harm their baby ? Of course we can’t ask the deputies why. I am so glad I don’t eat the lunch meat. I knew there was something not right about it. That is why I have a cheese sandwich everyday. I know there have been times that the meat has been spoiled, but they serve it anyway. I stay away from anything that is questionable. If it’s fresh fruit, I’ll eat it. 

Today when we lined up for lunch, there were a group of girls at the window talking and laughing and trying to communicate with the other housing units on their way to the chow hall. As I mentioned before, this is a big no no. So, because they couldn’t stay out of the window, the entire housing unit lost an hour and a half of dayroom time this afternoon. It totally sucked. It’s so frustrating how a select few can ruin it for everyone. 

Then right before dinner, our deputy says she’s doing inspection for any extras. The number of women panicking was not surprising, and our cells were locked, so they could throw any away. Many thought they were going to be locked down. I was just praying it would be individual punishments, because if we get locked down, I can’t call my kids. I could also miss my visit tomorrow. I was so upset, I could even enjoy my walk to the chow hall. Panic was setting in. Once we got back, nothing happened. Today ended up being a warning. She confiscated what she found, but reminded us she was here all week. Including inspection this weekend. This should make for an interesting 5 days. 

Day 56 (11/17/14) "She received devastating news"

It’s Monday, start of a new week. 8 weeks down, it feels like time is so slow here, but it’s already Thanksgiving next week and before I know it Christmas will be right around the corner. The holidays are tough. I just want November and December to be over with. I am ready for 2014 to end and 2015 to begin. 

I got a new roommate yesterday. No one new has moved into our dorm. But, one of the girls hated her roommate and a few nights ago asked to be moved. The deputy told her no. There were 7 open beds, but the deputy refused. She told her “It’s jail, deal with it”. So, she did. But then on Friday night, she received some devastating news, her Father passed away. With the grief of losing her Dad and having a horrible roommate, she couldn’t take it anymore. She cried and broke down to the corporal. The corporal agreed to move her. She had no idea who was in cell 25, Me. She didn’t care, she was just glad to be moved. After dinner we talked. She told me about her Dad and about losing him. It was terrible. That’s my worst fear, losing someone or something serious or tragic happening to a loved one when I’m locked up. You can’t be there, you don’t get to say goodbye. She's so mad at herself. Full of regret and guilt. She kept apologizing for crying. I told her no need to apologize, cry all you want, I cry too, I have my moments because I miss my family. She said “Something about when I walk to chow hall”. I told her “You know what ? Every time I walk to dinner is when I start to really miss my family and sometimes I just want to cry. Other times after dinner when I get back to my cell, I do, I stand at the window and cry. It’s ok, you’re going through a lot”. She told me how weird and rude her old roommate was. How uncomfortable she felt. I told her that she had nothing to worry about. I am a nice and super polite bunkie. She was so happy. She tells me she can tell we will get along just fine. I agree, hopefully she is my last roommate while I am here. She is serving a two year sentence with half, so one year. She gets out November 3rd, 2015. She is 33 and has 4 kids. Her oldest is 14 and her youngest is 3. Her sisters live in Washington and is taking care of her children for her. This is not her first time in jail or prison. But, hopefully her last. I think losing her Dad was a wake up call. She plans on moving out of CA when she gets out and going up to Washington to start over with her kids. Life is too short for this bullshit, in and out of jail / prison. She has so much to give and live for. I hope she gets her second chance and makes the most of it.

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. 

Day 54 (11/15/14) "Again, you're not a deputy, you're an inmate"

It’s Saturday, no inspection this morning. In a new housing unit, I’m curious how the inspections are. I would think over in 3F it would be stricter being a behavioral unit, but I don’t think that’s the case. We were in lockdown so much and never left the housing unit, there wasn’t much for us to hide. Inmates had extras, food, and put pads on the vents, but not much else for the past 4 weeks I was there. We got late night for passing inspection, but I feel because of the freedom the “movement” dorms get, they are much stricter and sticklers for the rules. When I arrived last week, there were numerous people on lockdown for failing inspections. I have nothing to worry about because I refuse to risk going back to a lockdown housing unit and losing my contact visits. I keep quiet, don’t cause trouble and follow all the rules. Whether I think the rules are dumb or unnecessary, it doesn’t matter. We are in jail, just follow them and don’t argue about it. Some of these women are just so hard headed, get a clue ! 

We had a corporal on duty today. She was fine all day. No issues, no problems. Then it’s time for dinner. This is where this housing unit is a nightmare. Dinner is mandatory. So, we all have to line up in a straight line and be quiet. Seems like a simple task, but it’s nearly impossible. They have no desire to get in line and they sure the hell don’t know how to stop talking. Kindergartners could do a better job than these women. It’s unbelievable and actually quite pathetic. But, when you don’t care and have no respect for others, this is what happens. The corporal let everyone have it “I have been cool all day. I have not yelled or got on anyone. All I ask is you line up and be quiet, put your hands in your waistbands, walk quietly in a straight line to the chow hall, be quiet in the chow hall, and walk back quietly in a straight line”. Then she informs us she’s back tomorrow for inspection. In can be a quick check in and out of our cells or it can be a search (patted down, put outside your cell, and they destroy your cell). It was up to us, the choice was ours. There was still talking in the back of the line and people were getting pissed. Before we left, I figured no way we’re gonna make it. Then we head out the door to the chow hall. That line was perfectly straight and everyone was quiet the entire walk. I couldn’t believe it. Then we had to wait outside the chow hall before we could go in. Everyone still in line and quiet. It was amazing. Then we hear “Put your hands in your waistbands, turn around and stop talking”. There is always one. Then another deputy comes up and starts yelling at everyone with only a sweatshirt on. She was all over everyone about it yesterday. She told us it’s in the rules and regulations that we are required to wear our blue shirt and blue pants everyday. Sweatshirts are optional, blue shirts are not. It’s an automatic write up if you don’t have your blue shirt on. We started off good, but now it’s not looking so well. We enter the chow hall and everyone gets in line quietly. Then some busy body gets out of line and starts lecturing people in the back of the line. Dumb. What a total idiot. Again, you’re not a deputy, you’re an inmate, not a Mom, not in charge, stay in line and shut the hell up ! These women need to worry about themselves, no one else !  Dinner is just about over and the corporal comes in. She’s just standing, watching us. Everyone notices and is super quiet, but one woman, so oblivious, she keeps talking and talking. Guess who she’s talking to ? Miss busy body. Everyone is trying to tell them to shut up, but by the time they figure it out, the corporal has walked outside. I can only laugh inside because their stupidity is now comical. Miss busy body was one of the women on lockdown who failed inspection last week. You’d think she would control herself, but she can’t. We are lined up outside to head back and the deputy does a blue shirt check in front of the corporal. Totally busted ! We walk back in again in total silence and perfectly straight I might add. But, I figure it’s too late. Then as we come in, everyone without a blue shirt get pulled aside. They are getting write ups. You lose your visits, commissary, and dayroom time with write ups and you get moved to the lockdown housing units. I have been there it’s no joke to me. These women don’t take it seriously. They need to have like a 3 day, 5 day, or 7 day punishment. Send them to 3F and they’ll all take it seriously. They don’t realize how good they have it, until it’s too late and they lose it all. 

I still don’t have a roommate, but I’m ok with it. I prefer it actually. Because, the majority of the women in here don’t care about anything. With no roommate, you don’t have to worry about someone else breaking the rules. Classification needs to check and re-adjust their housing units. There were more disciplined and behaved inmates like myself in 3F then there are in 3D. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of behavioral inmates in 3F, but some of these women in 3D belong in 3F. Tomorrows inspection should be interesting, Will we be sleeping in or up bright and early ? 

Day 53 (11/14/14) "I guess we all thought we were smart"

It’s Friday, we got clean sweatshirts today. Been rather quiet for a change. There were a few squabbles over what we were going to watch on the Tv. You get 25+ women trying to agree on one tv show to watch, not everyone is going to be happy. Miss “housing unit monitor”, the one who likes to think she’s the deputy and scolds everyone about the rules, well she couldn't walk in line today or keep her mouth shut on the way to the chow hall. On the way back from lunch, she was messing around so much, she pretended to fall and was laying on the ground. Really, it was so immature and unnecessary. I was so annoyed. These women are very childish and they totally bug me. I can’t wait to get away from this madness. 

One of the biggest rules here is to not communicate with the other inmates in the other housing units. Well, on the way back from dinner, two women actually stop in front of Housing Unit E and try and talk to the girls sitting at the window. The rest of us were already in our unit. I couldn’t believe it, just because there isn’t a deputy standing there, there are cameras watching and guess what ? They called our deputy and reported them. It’s like the time we were outside and the deputy could not see outside, but there’s a camera. They are always listening and watching. My old roommate has a hot flash and takes off her sweatshirt and is walking around in her sports bra. Well, that is not allowed. The next thing she knows, the deputy comes through the door as my ex-roommate tries to throw her sweatshirt back on fast. The deputy says “You’re killing me”. The deputy had gotten a call about one of her girls walking around in her bra. She was spotted on camera. Instant write up. The deputies hate to get phone calls. These women are so dumb. You’re in jail, they are always watching. What the hell are they thinking ? At chow hall time, they monitor like hawks. That’s how they get caught with the extra food they try to hide. I just laugh to myself sometimes. These women think they are so sly and smart. But you know what ? I guess we all thought we were smart and sly at one time. Hell, we’re all sitting here in jail. Inspection should be interesting this weekend. 

There are 4 phones inside and 1 outside. One of the phones inside is broken. So, we have four phones to share between 56 women. The evenings are hard to get to use the phones. It’s a wait. So, this afternoon, the phone guy comes to fix and check the phones. This is great, we need that 5th phone. Well, when he leaves, we now have 3 working phones now !? So, he was unable to fix the broken phone and ended up breaking a working phone. WTF !?!? He said he would be back. That sucks ! It will be real hard making a phone call tonight. 

My visit was awesome and so amazing yesterday. But, it made me sad today. After dinner I really missed my family. I wish I could see them everyday. They will be back tomorrow night. Something to look forward to. 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens. But, often we look so long at the closed door, that we don’t see the one that has been opened for us. 

Day 51 (11/12/14) Tried to beat the system and lost

I am really struggling with sleeping. I was up at 6:30 am today, got cleaned up and did a ton of exercises. I have the cell to myself again. I’m actually a little sad, my roommate left for prison last night. She's 28, but looks like she’s 18. She’s just a baby, so young and off to prison for the first and hopefully last time. She got 2 years, but after all her time served, she has a year, if that. So, she’ll be home soon. She couldn’t sleep, they come and pick you up at midnight. She was really nervous, I gave her some tips that I was going to use myself. I told her she was going to be ok and she was going to make it. I have faith that she’s going to turn her life around after this. We only got to know each other for a day, but she’s a good kids and I will keep her in my thoughts daily. We said goodbye at midnight. I tried to watch out the window, but didn’t see her. I was nervous for her. This all very hard. I miss her today and hope she’s hanging in there. I wish her the best of luck and I said to her that I might see her up there. She was sentenced October 16th, so 4 weeks she waited for transfer. If it’s 4 weeks for me, then I won’t leave until January. I was hoping to be out of here in December, but I would need immediate removal after my court date on December 12th. I want to get through receiving and on with this as soon as possible. We will see what happens. I can only hope for the best. 

Now I have to wait and see who is going to be my next roommate. The anticipation sucks. I have been pretty lucky so far, I hope the luck continues.

It’s nice in this new housing unit, the freedom to walk to chow hall and be out of our cells so much. But, it’s still jail and I’m surrounded by inmates. Some of these women deserve to be in 3F (behavioral unit). When we walk to chow hall, we are supposed to walk in a single file line, no talking, and hands in our waistbands. How hard is it to follow directions ? It’s so irritating to be around these women. They broke the law, so I don’t know why I’m surprised they can’t listen and follow simple rules. Most just don’t care. It’s hard to be around sometimes. It just reminds me of how I don’t fit in here. It’s almost like they are from another planet. Lifetime of crime, lifetime of not working, lifetime of using and abusing the system, lifetime of drugs. Many have no empathy for others. It’s a strange, but eye opening experience. Today at lunch, this girl did not drink her milk, so these two girls wanted it. They asked her if she was going to drink it. She replied "No”. They asked her if they could have it. She says “No”. They were so pissed and started talking shit. They couldn’t believe someone told them no. The girl in between them told the mean girls to leave her alone. But, they wouldn’t. The entire walk back to the hosing unit, they kept going on and on about it. Even threatening to kick her ass. Really !? Is lockdown worth a milk ? What’s wrong with these two !? Well according to them, it’s the principal. She should have given them the milk. I wish they would send both of them to 3F for a week. I’m not sure it would change their attitudes, but it would definitely put them in the housing unit they should be in ! 

We also have a “self appointed housing unit monitor”. A tattle tail. She thinks she’s in charge. She’s a brat who tells the deputy to lock us down because we don’t follow the rules. She’s not a deputy, she’s an inmate. All you can do is control yourself. It’s unbelievable. This housing unit has more petty bullshit drama, less mental health issues, but tons of “high school” BS. It is jail. 

It’s time for dinner. Our deputy tells us that she only has a few cell numbers down on a piece of paper and those cell number will get out on time at 7pm. Everyone else loses an hour of dayroom time tonight. She lectures everyone about how many didn’t make their beds today (beds have to be made by 9am) and that we talk too much instead of getting in a straight line and being quiet to go to the chow hall. So we waited. 

I made the list. I mean, my bed was made, I was in a straight line and didn’t talk. Not very hard to do ! 

So, we lined up to go to dinner. What a cluster. They kept yelling to move the line back. People were cutting in line. You sit in the order of your line. Each housing unit sits together. 8 people to a table. So, inmates are cutting in line to sit with their “friends”. It’s so ridiculous. Then we have one girl who refuses to sit by anyone that smells. She walks up and down the line yelling “the showers are free, soap, shampoo, and toothpaste, please us it !!”. I agree, good hygiene is a plus, but really, you have to cause trouble when the deputy is waiting on us ? This place is out of control. I am one of the few, that follows the rules. Nothing is worth losing time to see or talk to my kids and Husband. I just want to scream “just do what you’re told, stop trying to beat the system, you always lose, look where we are, we lost !” 

They did a pat down on the way out of the chow hall tonight. You should have seen all the food they found. It’s an automatic write up. Like I said,  they don’t get it, you tried to beat the system, and got caught again. You lose. 

Day 50 (11/11/14) "Now, she's in the same unit as her daughter in law"

Happy Veterans Day to all the Men and Women who served our country. 

It’s day 2 in the new housing unit and things are going well and my spirits are high. I got a new roommate last night. Everyone calls her Chuckie, because her hair is short, red and wild and it looks like Chuckie’s hair in Child’s Play. We only met before bed, she seems nice, but I found out she’s pregnant and has to be on the bottom tier. So, first thing in the morning, she moves. I get “Piggy” as my new roommate. She’s pretty cool and funny. She has a daughter who just turned one, her pictures are adorable. Well, another girl leaves and Piggy moves across the way. So, I’m back to having the cell by myself again. 

Got a good work out and showered this morning. At lunch, as we were waiting to leave, three new girls are coming in. They are all from 3F. I was hoping to see my old roommate, but no such luck. But Rosie, Dirty Die’s old roommate is here. I’m glad to see a familiar face. They already had lunch, so they get moved in while we head to the chow hall. When I return, there is no one moved in. I still have the cell to myself. One of the three new girls has to be on the bottom tier, so Jay has to move upstairs. She was moving to 19 but then came over to 25 with me. She said 19 was really dirty and there was a smell coming out of there, so she asked the deputy if she could move in with me. I like Jay. She’s young, nice, and exercises a lot like I do. We talk after lunch. I’m happy with her as my roommate. 

We get out at 1pm for dayroom. Rosie and I do the stairs together for 30 minutes. She fills me in on what’s happening over in 3F and I fill her in on what’s happening here at the new housing and how wonderful it is. She is so happy. She’s here on an 8 month sentence. She has 6 more months to go. This new housing should make it much easier for her. When walk to dinner, she says “Oh Kelly, I like this” and takes a big deep breath of fresh air. I am so happy she got moved, she deserves it. Now, she’s in the same housing unit as her daughter in law. She introduces me to one of the four pregnant women in this unit and says “this is my grandson” and points to her belly. This girl is due December 11th. I’m glad they can be together, but I can’t imagine having a baby in jail. Giving birth, then leaving your baby behind and then coming back here. How awful. It’s really sad and there are four women here that are pregnant. It’s such a shame. It’s too bad there isn’t a program or something to get these Moms home to their babies. Maybe house arrest or something. Rosie has family to take care and come get her grandson, so he does not end up in CPS and in foster care. But still, the best place for that baby is with his mama. All circumstances and stories are different and should be considered. If the Mom is not a threat to her baby or her community, put her on house arrest, so she can care and bond with her child. Have mandatory parenting classes and programs so we can break the cycle of crime, for Mom and her baby. Rosie’s daughter in law was in a car with someone with drugs as a passenger in the car. Of course poor choice of friends and not a good decision, but to keep her locked up and away from her baby does not seem right. 

At dinner, one of the ladies is talking about prop 47. This prop passed last week in CA. Giving non-violent, such as low level drug and property offenses, misdemeanors instead of felonies. Helping reduce the amount of men and women in jail and prison. The millions of dollars saved is supposed to go to programs, rehab, homeless services, mental health and education. It’s the start of a good reform. We just need to make sure we are providing the services, otherwise it’s just  a waste. 

There is a woman here who is 52 years old and homeless. She’s here on a probation violation. She was unable to find work due to her felony record. It’s sad to hear these stories. Prop 47 should help her. The felony drug possession charge should be dropped to a misdemeanor. Hopefully, that would help her in finding a job. This is where the services and programs need to kick in. Help her with  a shelter or place to stay when she gets out and then opportunities to find work. Some of these women really do want a second chance. Not all of them, but there are those that do and if we can give them that second chance, it will only help our communities and neighborhoods. 

Day 47 (11/8/14) Acquaintances & "Over the Wall"

I am tired today. I can feel it in my eyes. I want to sleep but I can’t. I was up around 6:30 this morning. It’s just so hard. I want to sleep my time away, but my mind won’t let me. Being up, I didn’t get to say goodbye to “Dirty Die”. She was one of my best “acquaintances” in here. She’s older and has a Daughter that’s the same age as my Son. She’s been to prison before and has really helped me with advice, what to expect, and answered all my questions. We always would trade at lunch. My mayo for her mustard. She was a really good lady. I will not forget her. I am actually sad she’s gone. I am so happy she’s out of here, but I will miss her. I know she won’t be back. Like she told me, she needed this to set her straight. Remind her what she has and to keep on the right path. I hope she keeps on the right path and maybe we will meet again. Just not in this setting. 

Today is just a rough day. I want to stop crying. It should be a good day, we have a really good deputy. I got out at 7am, read the paper, and called my Sister, did the stairs and showered. I get to come out in the afternoon as well. What more can ask for being in this housing unit. Today is a perfect day, yet I am sad. I think it’s a combination of things, missing my family, especially my Husband and kids, Die leaving today, and just being stuck in this housing unit. I really want to get transferred to another unit. One with  a little less lockdown. I know I would do so much better and be so much stronger if I get moved. I have 6 more weeks here at least. I am stressing, because when I get transferred I have another 30-90 days in receiving. That’s more lockdown. 6 months of total lockdown. I dread the thought of it and is why I’m not sleeping. It gets worse before it gets better and I’m trying to find the strength to make it through it all. Deep down I know I can. I know I can do it, but it’s not going to be easy. Not being able to sleep 10-12 hours a day is what’s going to make it rough. I’m hoping if I can get a job in the kitchen or a job cleaning I will be ok. I will make it, it’s having to lay around 15-16 hours a day with nothing to do. Waiting for each minute, each hour to tick by. Every second feels like an eternity. I do know I will be able to write and read books, so that will help, but still the thought of it all makes me anxious. I am ready to get it over with. The worst part of it all is not being able to call my Husband and kids. No phone calls while in receiving. I hope I get through receiving and “over the wall” (sent to mainstream prison) quickly. I am praying for record time, but I know nothing is ever fast when it comes to the system. 

I talked to the deputy before dinner about being transferred to another housing unit and she said I just need to be patient. I was being patient, but I have been here almost 50 days patiently waiting with excellent behavior. I’m tired of waiting. I miss my kids. So, of course I just lost it. It’s been  a while since I have cried so much. My roommate and I cried and talked for hours after dinner. I felt bad making her cry too, it was such  a rough day. She’s a good person. We listen to each other and support each other. We are good people who just want to go home. I take responsibility for my actions, my past poor choices. I want to serve my time, but why does the system punish my kids ? Just 1 contact visit a week is all I’m asking. 1 visit to keep the bond between mother and child is all I’m asking. You know how much less traumatic it would be for my Son and Daughter to be able to give me a hug. I know it’s my mistake, and I have to pay for my mistake I made, but I still have to go back home, back to my community, back to being their Mom. Why is it not considered ? Why isn't there more effort into re-entry, rehabilitation, and reunification ? 

We’ve had the same deputy the last four nights. She is wonderful. She opens the dayroom at 7, gives both tiers the full 90 minutes. She’s respectful to us, but does not tolerate anyone’s crap. Follow the rules and do what your told and there will be no problems. I appreciate the no-nonsense deputies. Both visits I have had on her shift were on time ! Then tonight, she let both tiers out at the same time and gave us late night (late night is when you get an extra hour of dayroom time on Saturday night if your unit passes inspection). So, were were out for 7:30pm - 11pm. It was amazing. There are days we don’t get out that much the entire day. So it was a nice surprise. I got to actually watch a movie, Sleeping Beauty. What was great was, she gave us a chance. Most deputies just hate this housing unit and don’t want to deal with us. But, she gave us a chance to earn the time out. She’s back tomorrow night, Wednesday, and Thursday. This week, if we listen and have no issues, we can be out the full 3 hours on the next 3 nights she works our unit. I am not sure if we earned it, there were no issues, but we did get loud one too many times (that’s the women that don’t know how to be quiet). I hope we get out again. I am thankful for the night, either way, the deputy put her ass on the line to give us a chance and do something nice. It was a pleasant change and reminds me that just like I don’t want the deputies lumping us together and labeling us all as “bad” or “problem” inmates or horrible people, I can’t label and lump all the deputies together as mean and heartless. It was a really good night after a long rough emotional day. 

Day 46 (11/07/14) Unconditional, Unbreakable

It’s Friday, I was finally almost able to sleep until 8am. That’s a nice change. I had an absolutely amazing visit with my kids last night. It was on time and such a pleasure to see their faces and hear their voices. What I would do to be able to just give them a big hug. Just that 30 minutes with them gave me so much happiness and strength. They warm my heart. I love and miss them so much. They are both my special angels. I went to sleep happy and loved thinking about my family. I hope they hear me every night when I tell them how much I love them, miss them, and hope they are doing ok. 

This morning was rough. I stood at my cell door and stared out the window and cried. I just thought about my Husband and how much I miss him. Today is our 16 year wedding anniversary. 16 years ago today, I married my hero, my king, my best friend. He’s been there by my side loving me unconditionally. Everyday, I am so very lucky to have this amazing man. I love him so much and can’t wait to spend another 16 years with him. I spent my morning reading his letter to me over and over again. This is what he sent me:

16 years ago I married my soulmate, my best friend. It seems like a blur sometimes. It’s been  a journey, an adventure, a love story. There have been fantastic times. sad times, tough times, beautiful times. memorable times. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. You have made me a better man. You have stood by me through thick and thin. You’ve listened to me over and over probably when you didn’t even want to ! I would trade any of this for the world. I am so very proud that you are my Wife. I love you, Happy Anniversary. 

It was a hard day, but I made it through it. I called my Husband in the afternoon when I finally got out. Talking to my family really helps. I wish I could talk to them more. 

Then my Husband and I had our video visit. Just the two of us. We joked about our “hot” anniversary date. I love and miss my Husband so much. This situation has brought us closer and has made our relationship stronger. I can’t imagine doing this without him. 

I got a photo postcard today ! It’s my family at the beach. Myself, Husband, and the kids. I love the photo. Just to be able to see them feels good, but hurts at the same time. I miss them so much and desperately want to see them, hold them, hug them, and kiss them. I just want this to end, I am so ready to start a new chapter in my life. My Husband and children give me the strength to dig deep and keep pushing on. 

Life is a Journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once, there would be no point in living. Enjoy the ride and in the end you’ll see these “setbacks” as giant leaps forward, only you couldn’t see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach, all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek. 

Day 45 (11/6/14) “You’re going to prison, you’re a convicted felon, what the hell am I going..."

New deputy today. She is respectful and does a good job. Like she said “If you don’t give me any problems, I won’t give you any problems”. She does not split the the tiers in the morning and afternoon. So, we got the AM shift. So, that means 8 hours of lockdown until we get out again. These days are the hardest, but I called my husband this morning and just talking to him briefly gave me the strength to push through the day. I also have a visit tonight with my kids. My Daughter got this place to give her another visit after the debacle on Tuesday. I am so proud ! That’s my girl ! Being assertive and making things happen. 

My roommate let me borrow her book “Splintered, the Real Wonderland” So far it’s excellent. It sucks my roommate got removed from her really great housing unit, but I am thankful she’s my roommate. She’s my best roommate by far. She can talk too much at times, but I don’t mind at all. We get along great and it’s a treat to have someone without any mental illness or behavior problems. 

One of the girls came back from court today just so upset. She signed a “deal”, a four year sentence, she’s going to prison. She gets officially sentenced in December. I feel bad for her. I know what she’s going through and how she’s feeling. I went through it, it feels like the end of the world. Your life is over. What’s left ? Anything ? You’re going to prison, you’re a convicted felon, what the hell are you going to do ? Hopelessness sets in. You think what kind of future are you going to have ? Do you even have a future ? There’s a stigma that goes along with going to prison and being a criminal. No one wants that. You dwell on the past and the mistakes you made. The guilt and shame set in and you start to fall into  a depression. Then you think about the future. The unknown. The fear and anxiety starts up. It’s a crazy time, but from my own experience, you can overcome and find the strength to take on your fate and change to make a better future. Sometimes in life, stumbling blocks are not meant to be harmful to us, but instead they can be viewed as an opportunity to re-focus on our purpose ! I know now that my purpose was not to just collect a paycheck every week. It was to help others. Now, I feel I can really help others. I will not put this all behind me and forget, I will move forward and help. I can share my experiences and hopefully help women about to go through my situation. I will make that happen. 

Day 41 (11/2/14) “I may be locked up, but my misery is temporary..”

It was daylight savings today, so the sun was up early and so was I. Ended up having “Miss Personality” as our deputy again. This is day 3 with her, so unfortunately, we are probably stuck with her another 2 days. Not too happy about that, I am hoping to be moved in the next day or two. Hoping and praying.

We have lockdown all morning. It was so hard. 4 hours waiting to get out for 10 minutes at lunch. I couldn’t relax, I had so much anxiety. I hate these days. 

We get out for lunch, the Charger game is on, but the Chargers are losing 20-0 so It’s really not starting off a good day. We have been in all morning, so after lunch I politely ask for a pencil and some pads. The deputy just huffs and puffs because I am putting her out. Then she gets a pencil and throws it across the desk at me. She is one miserable woman. She hates us, she hates her job, and hates being bothered. She’s on her cell phone the entire time. Her attitude is horrific. Again, it’s the power. She has it all and we have none. So I just say thank you and walk away. I may be locked up in this hell hole, but my misery is temporary. I have a great family and life waiting for me. This deputy’s life is just misery. I almost start to feel bad for her, but then I don’t ! Just have to power through the next few days and then she will be gone. 

My roommate went to mental health services today. Did you know it takes a month to see a doctor over there ? They have very minimal mental health staff or resources. It’s just so unacceptable to me as I am surrounded by so many women suffering from PTSD, abuse, past trauma, and most have drug problems because they are trying to erase the pain. So why aren’t they trying to help these women with real programs and services ? Why do we just dope them up and lock them away ? People may think it’s not worth spending the money, but they eventually get back on the street and in our communities. Shouldn’t we put them back out there healthy or at least with some help ? Again, it’s too easy to lock them up and forget. Out of sight, out of mind. 

I have been receiving emails from others out there that have been reading my story and have experienced it themselves or their family has. People who want reform and change like I do. Real change ! It feels good to know I have support from strangers. Makes me want to fight harder and be heard. To make a difference. To get together with these women and men. Work together to make a difference. My Husband forwarded me the emails and I was amazed and blown away. I sometimes feel so alone in the world. The hurt, the disappointment I caused, the shame and guilt I feel everyday for the mistake I made and the pain I caused my family. I feel like I am an outcast and do I even deserve forgiveness and a second chance ? I beat myself up inside as I failed and let everyone down. Then to read messages from total strangers who support me, are praying for me, and who want to work together on reform and change. I see now, I am not alone. I have more support than I ever realized. In the dark days, I have to remember there is light ahead. 

Day 39 (10/31/14) Her Husband refused to pick up the phone..

Happy Halloween ! It’s my first official “holiday” I am missing while being locked up. It’s a little sad and depressing, but I am looking at it as another day closer to going home. I am staying positive and keeping my eye on the prize, which is getting home to my family. 

The night was a quiet one. We made it through without any tirades. But, about an hour after breakfast, our neighbor started up again. The deputy just ignored her for a while, but she wouldn’t stop. So, the deputy came upstairs and asked her to be quiet, because everyone was trying to sleep. Amazingly, it worked and she settled down and we were able to sleep. The crazy thing is she had a new roommate in there with her. I can’t believe someone got stuck in that cell with her. The mental health ward is full so this unit gets the overflow. That is the reason we have to split the tiers, because there is too many “crazies”.  Again, I don’t understand why we don’t have better mental health facilities. We shouldn’t be throwing them in jail like this. They need help and treatment. They spent all this money on this new women’s jail, but no money on building a new facility or a better program to treat these women with mental health issues. They need trained professionals who specialize in handling and dealing with the mentally ill. They need to separate the “regular” inmates from the mentally ill inmates. It’s just not fair to either one of us. These women are an “inconvenience” to society, so the government puts them away. Locking them up is the easiest way to deal with them. It’s so frustrating, I don’t think people realize what is going on and really happening in here. Society just assumes that since you were arrested or convicted, you’re a criminal and a bad person. You’re looked at with judgement and disapproval, when in fact there are different circumstances to each persons story. We don’t look at it or take the time to see and evaluate people on a case by case basis. We just lump everyone together, forget about them, and push them aside as a lost cause. 

After dinner was a little rough for me. I really missed my husband and kids. Some days it gets hard for me and tonight was one of those times. I even made an extra call to my Husband just to hear his voice. Makes me feel a little better. He was having a rough night too. Our kids were out enjoying Halloween and we were both alone. I hope to be home next year for Halloween. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side waiting for me. Not everyone is so fortunate. My roommate has been in here for eight months, her Husband has not picked up his phone when she has called. No visits, no emails, and no contact for eight months. He has just written her off. I don’t know if I could make it without my Husband. He is such a big support along with my kids and family. Without them, I don’t know if I could survive. 

But, talking to my Husband lifted my spirits. Then we got mail. I got two emails, one from my Dad, being Halloween jokes, then another amazing and loving email from my Husband. I got a chocolate lovers gift bag from my Sister. She is incredible. Even though I don’t need all the goodies, I loved it ! Shared the chocolate moon pie with my roommate. Can’t wait to eat the Twix bar (my favorite). Ended up having a decent night considering where I am. Thank God for my family. 

Day 36 (10/28/14) Desperate times, desperate measures...

It’s Tuesday, tried to sleep in and just can’t. Don’t know why. I read until “meds”. That’s when the meds are given out to the inmates that “need” them. So, it’s 8am. So, dayroom should be soon. We have another new deputy. 

Meds came and went and no dayroom for either tier. What the heck is it today I wonder ? The deputy has a long list in her hands. She starts letting inmates out, one at a time, sometimes two at a time. I am curious what is going on. This takes over an hour. It’s 9:15am, by the time she gets to my cell, it ended up not being anything. The nurse was there doing sick calls. In a housing unit of 53, over half the inmates put in medical requests. I am pretty sure it had to do with the head lice “outbreak”. We were stuck in lockdown all morning. Even had lunch in our cells. But, they finally got around to taking care of the problem. They addressed all the medical requests and removed the “host” inmate. Hopefully they are treating her and not just moving her to another housing. Then her cell was emptied, cleaned, and sterilized. The girl sharing the cell was issued all new bedding. Now, hopefully we can move on. Unfortunately, we lost dayroom time because we caused such an uproar about the lice issue. But, it needed to be addressed and I’m glad it finally was. Thankfully, the books my Mother sent me arrived last night. 2 weeks ago when I was desperate for books, my wonderful Mother ordered me two. They were delivered and signed for at the facility on the 18th of October. I got them on 10/27. The deputies had them this entire time. It really makes me angry. Before the deputy gives them to me, she asks how many books I have. I tell her “5” and then she gives me my books. I guess there is a policy here, you are not allowed more than 6 books. I understand that is the rule for “shared” books, but I own these. I wouldn’t have to have so many books ordered if they would just give out the books for us to read that were donated. Generous people donating books to the jail that the deputies won’t give the chaplain to give out. How can you limit how many books I have when you keep me on lockdown for 21-22 hours a day ? This place is really out of hand. Again, I am not a dangerous criminal that committed some heinous act. The corrections system is not about “correcting” anyone. That’s why so many people end up coming back. Why so many people end up being more “broken” then when they arrived here. Why so many people aren’t ready for the “real” world when they do get out. All because the corrections system is broken and needs an overhaul. We need reform desperately. Maybe my voice, along with others can make a difference. 

Only got out an hour this afternoon. Had to have dinner in our cells. Didn’t have time for a shower., so I had to “sink” shower. You have to do what you have to do in here. The lockdown makes people desperate. Two girls couldn’t take it anymore and they “hurt” each other. One slammed the desk on her bunkies foot and the other on her hand. They were swollen and black and blue. They really did hurt each other pretty bad. But, this “accident” got them out of here and into a nice bed in medical. No lockdown, no waiting for the phone, tv all day, desperate times equal desperate measures. That’s how bad it is here. So bad they were willing to physically hurt themselves to get a break. The entire housing unit has no dangerous criminals. They are all non-violent drug and theft crimes. I just can’t understand the extreme amount of lockdowns. 

Then to top it off, the deputy on duty forgets to let me out on time for my video visit. It’s 10 after 7pm. My visit was at 7pm. I now have 20 minutes left.  She apologized, but that doesn’t get my 10 minutes back with my Son and Husband. This is a state of the art, hi-tech facility. But, there is nothing to keep visits on time. Seems so simple. Some people may think “What’s the big deal ?” Well, again, with two, 30 minutes video visits a week, it’s everything. It's all I have. 

Well, it wasn’t the best day, but I made the best of it. I didn’t let this facility's BS get to me, and to me, that’s a victory ! 

Day 35 (10/27/14) I refuse to be broken....

The start of a new day begins right now. No going back to re-write the past. Go forward and write the future. Stop pondering over what you did and did not do. What you should and should not have done. Go forward with new wisdom and knowledge and make the ending much more than the beginning. Starting today, remember the choices you make today can affect your tomorrow. So, think before you act, before you do, and before you don’t. Learning along the way. 

I start my Monday with another inspiration from my Husband. Another motivation to get me through yet another week. Monday means laundry. We have another new deputy. That makes 9 days straight with a different deputy everyday. It’s hard to go every day and not know what your schedule is going to be like or know when you’ll be stepping foot out of your cell door. I just have to deal with it and hope for the best. 

This deputy splits the time between both tiers. So that’s good. Got a shower in and did the stairs for 30 minutes this morning. Found out my first bunkie, Mama J, went home today. I am glad I talked to her yesterday and got to sort of say goodbye. I wish her the best and will always be grateful for her kindness and generosity my first two weeks here. I hope she sticks to her plans and goals and makes it. I wish I was out and able to help her on her new journey. It’s hard for me to comprehend the idea that so many women here leave with no home to go to. Mama J’s family is in Texas. She’s hoping to get an apartment at St. Vincent De Paul, but what do you do while you wait for an opening ? My current roommate was telling me last night, how she hopes to find a studio or garage to live in and rent when she gets out next month. She leaves here homeless too. Where are the resources to help these women locate a home or place to stay before they let them out ? Why aren’t the counselors meeting with them a couple of weeks prior to their release ? Shouldn’t the goal be to not return ? More money needs to be spent on rehabilitation than throwing lives away and overcrowding the prisons and jails. We need reform, we need to improve the system, we need to just stop locking people up and forgetting about them. We need to focus on allowing forgiveness, rehabilitation, and growth. I hope one day I can help make a positive change to the reform our system desperately needs. 

Due to medical conditions and such, certain inmates cannot be housed on the top tier. So, the deputies will make changes. That’s how I ended up on the lower tier then back upstairs. So, changes were made today. One of the new arrivals had to be moved downstairs. Well, in the process of this move, they moved the insane girl with head lice out of her cell (cell 19) and into a new cell. She still has yet to be treated for the head lice. The deputy on Saturday said she got her an appointment with medical, but it has yet to happen. Now, they have just spread this. Exposing more inmates to lice. What is wrong with this place ? I’m not expecting luxury resort like conditions, but basic clean and humane conditions would be nice. We are at the mercy of the deputies and the system. When you end up here, you lost all rights, all power, you have no voice, and no one cares. All you are is a number. The favorite response to any gripes is “Well, don’t come to jail then”. They are in charge and they will do whatever they want to do and you can complain, you can fight, and you can file as many grievances as you want. But, you will never win. It’s your word against theirs and your word means nothing behind these walls. The abuse of power is just something you have to accept in here, because you can’t change it. The way you win. is to not let them get you down. If you stay strong, keep positive in your mind and being, they can’t win. For myself, I refuse to be broken. They can keep me in lockdown, they can refuse medical, ignore my requests, be rude and dis-respectful, but I am not going to be miserable. I’ll make the most of it and in the end in the end, I’ll still be me. Strong as ever ! 

Getting ready for the inevitable... (From Husband)

Trying to prepare for the inevitable. The day my Wife is taken at midnight for her 8 hour bus ride to Chowchilla, CA for receiving. Where they decide what prison will be the right fit for her. Low security housing. Will it be the fire camp that she has been praying for ? Or CIW in Riverside CA ? I have even heard of a possibility of Folsom. Yes, that Folsom. When an inmate goes to receiving, they are allowed NO phone calls or contact visits. I have heard you can get a visit through the old glass plate with phone. 20-30 minutes. That’s IF you get your visitation approved. You are allowed to write letters. I love to write to her. It’s almost therapeutic . The down side though is, Chowchilla’s mail is a mere 6-8 weeks behind. She is slated to be there no longer than 4-5 weeks. We will be very fortunate if we hear from her before she is taken. That, will be a rough phone call. I honestly think this will be the hardest part of her incarceration for all of us. She thinks she will leave right before Christmas. Perfect ! But, once she is through this part, it should be much easier for all of us. We can set up longer visits and she’ll finally get a routine. Hell, maybe we will too. 

While in receiving, she’ll have to deal with 7 other personalities in her cell. Knowing my Wife, she can do that. In fact she should do well with it. I will always worry about her. But, she is a very strong woman. When we finally get that phone call that she’s at her “mainstream” home and out of Chowchilla, we will be able to take a deep breath and know that the end should really start coming quicker. At least we hope and pray.  

Day 34 (10/26/14) "My mind starts racing..."

We are up before the sun is up. Time for inspection. It goes quickly and we are done a little after 7am. I am hoping for dayroom time, but no luck. It seems everyone else has gone back to sleep. 

We get out at 8am for an hour. My Husband and Daughter are about to start the Tough Mudder (8:20am start). A grueling, 12 mile obstacle race, in the hills of Temecula, CA. I am thinking of them and wishing I could be there. I know they will do great and I can’t wait to talk to them later today. 

I am glad we get to get out a little this morning and afternoon today. This afternoon I go to make a call and I can’t get through. My phone account is empty. This can’t be, because I had $11 on it last night. I specifically made sure I had enough on there so I could have a full 30 minute call with my family. So, either I spent $80 in phone time the last 8 days or someone has gotten my PIN number and has been using it. I was averaging $50-$60 a week in phone calls, but this weeks increase had seemed very strange. I had already mentioned to my Husband and Sister to see if they could log on to my account and get a transaction history. Today when I was at zero, that was it, I knew something was up. I went and talked to the deputy. She was unable to access the information, but suggested I put in a request to the commissary for the information. So, I immediately put in the request and to the Sergeant on duty to get this investigated. I wanted to know if my information had been compromised. I have been very careful with my PIN, but I am living in a jail with criminals. I was talking to one of my acquaintances, and she said if someone did take my info, they would be getting additional charges. Then she told me to watch my cellmate, because she was using her old roommates phone time while she was in lockdown for two days. I started to get real suspicious, because this did start about a week ago when she was moved into my cell. I mean, she did sell our toilet paper. I will figure this out. I may be quiet and respectful, but don’t take that for weakness ! Phone time is so precious to me. My lifeline to my kids, my Husband, and my family. It’s what gets me through everyday. If I am unable to call my family, they worry and get upset. Hopefully, I / they can get this resolved. 

We got out this evening. I got my phone time resolved ! It ended up being an error. My money was back on my account and I was able to call my family. “The squeaky wheel” ! Then I remembered what my old bunkmate told about your phone time. You can’t put money on your phone account right before you are about to be transferred. So, my mind starts racing. Will I be getting transferred soon ? Maybe this week ? I need to get everything in order and ready to leave just in case. 

We got out an hour and a half this evening. Got out at 8:30pm and I made my phone call to my family. I usually walk laps, but tonight I hung out with two acquaintances. They are two older ladies and both have done time in prison. I get along with them because they don’t get involved in jailhouse drama. According to them “They are too old for that shit”. Due to the phone incident, I want to be prepared for transfer and they don’t mind my questions about prison. It’s really helpful, there is so much stuff to know. It sounds like there is very little lockdown. Nothing compared to county jail. This is a positive, but the negative is there are no phone calls when you go to receiving. But, you get visits, just not contact visits. The ole’ glass plate with phone. But, receiving is 500 miles away from my family. 6 hour drive if you’re lucky. Not sure how that’s going to workout for a 30 minute phone call visit. Hopefully, I can get through receiving quickly and get placed closer to my family so visits will be easier. 

An hour into our evening time, we have to lockdown due to  a medical emergency. I guess a woman on the bottom tier had a seizure. So, we go to lockdown and there are three deputies and a corporal there. They do nothing but stand there and wait. Waiting for medical personnel. Ten minutes later, they show up. I would hate to be in here with a life threatening emergency. The pace they move, you may not make it. I am very fortunate to be in good health. After 30 minutes or so, they finally take her out on a stretcher. Time for night count and lights out. Another week over !

Day 33 (10/25/14) Head Lice....

Hello Saturday. Woke up to another new deputy. Still on this getting out only once a day. We have the afternoon shift. Sort of a bummer, because I missed my call to my sister this morning. But, at least I get to see the sun. 

Another argument broke out across the way in cell 22. I heard the deputy talking to them both and the one girl telling the deputy she’s yelling at people that aren't even there. I don’t know what else was said, but the deputy shut the door and an hour or so later, the older woman was removed. Not sure what’s going to happen or where she’s going to go. But. hopefully, it’s better for her and she gets the treatment she needs. 2 hours after I write this, she’s back. This situation is definitely not over. 

So, we have an inmate in our housing that has head lice. I am freaking out and itching just thinking about it. They have done nothing about it. The girl that shares a room with her, has put in a medical request for her to be treated. She said to the deputy “Do you want to be treating one inmate or an entire housing unit ?” Still, they did nothing. It’s so disgusting and dirty. She needs to be treated, her cellmate needs to be treated, they need to strip that cell and clean the hell out of it and issue all new bedding. Again, I know this is jail, but some basic hygiene is not too much to ask. This afternoon, they tried to get today’s deputy to send her to medical, but she wouldn’t do it either. Then one of the girls decide they would help her since everyone else is avoiding her like the plague. It’s a really fucked up situation all around. She asked the deputy for a pair of gloves and she was told that she was not a licensed doctor. No gloves given and was told she should not be touching her head. She didn’t care. She wanted to help . She’s treated head lice before with her daughter’s hair. So, she takes the girl outside and is checking her head. She confirms she has head lice and is now trying to comb out the eggs the best she can. As she’s doing that, the deputy comes out and tells her “I told you not to be touching her head, now you’re on lockdown”. The girl responded with “Are you serious ?” the deputy said “Yes, I’m dead serious”. She was just trying to help, but I understand medical needs to be doing it. I wonder if they are just going to let it be and not treat her ? I was shocked that this was not taken seriously or treated immediately. No one will sit by or go near the girl with lice. It’s so messed up on so many levels. 

I had my visit tonight with my Husband. Started right on time and got the full 30 minutes.  He was very happy too. He said he gets in there with like 5 minutes to spare to clean the phone. This time someone had jammed gum into the mouthpiece. He used his Clorox wipes to clean it. Anyway ! It was so good to see him. He is my strength and I love him so much. He emails me positive and inspirational quotes. I’ll end the day with one of my favorites:

It is really hard to put pieces back together and make something exactly as it used to be.

But, perhaps, this is your opportunity to take the pieces and create a masterpiece. 

Day 32 (10/24/14) "Faithfully"

It’s Friday, I have court today. Lucky for me, the top tier got the AM shift today so I got to read the paper, take a shower, and call my Husband before getting picked up for court. I was looking forward to getting out of here. Well, at least for 2-3 hours. The deputy came and got me at 9am, along with 5 other girls. We were taken to a holding cell where we had lunch and waited for the bus. Once the bus arrived, we came out, got handcuffed together, and got on the bus. We got to listen to the radio on the ride. It’s the first time I got to hear music in 32 days. Sure was a nice change of scenery, even though we were in a rolling jail. Darkened windows with bars across the windows. 

As we merged onto Highway 94 to head downtown, the song my Husband and I danced to at our wedding came on. “Faithfully” by Journey. It made me smile and feel happy. Just to hear that song and think of my Husband made me feel this new inner strength. I felt hope and knew everything was going to be ok. 

Once we get to the courthouse, they file us all in and there is now eight of us in the holding cell. I get called out to go upstairs, where I am put in another holding cell. This time by myself. It’s 11am. I did my “cell” exercises and sat around, then tried to sleep.  Then they brought me a second lunch. I just ate the carrots out of it. I did feel guilty, I left a lot of the food. Being in here makes me think of all the people that need help. 

At 1:35pm, they came and got me out of the cell and headed to the courtroom. I am in there for 40 minutes watching and listening to all the proceedings. Then I get called. They set a new date. My lawyer was out of town, so I didn’t even get to talk to her. It was almost such a waste, but the trip was better than lockdown. After court, the bus was just about back to the courthouse, so they took me outside. I sat on a bench until the bus arrived, got back on and headed back. Once we got back to Las Colinas, they removed the chains, patted us down, and we walked back to our housing units. The sun felt amazing on the walk back. I got back to my housing unit at 3:30pm. I went back to my cell and waited for dinner. The deputy called me down. We got sweatshirts and an extra blanket ! Thank goodness. I have been freezing every night. They crank the air conditioning every night. It gets so cold. I bet I sleep much better tonight. I’ll finally be warm. 

Day 28 (10/20/14)

Monday morning. I wake up to a quiet empty cell. No new roommate yet. It’s kind of nice to have some quiet time and the cell to yourself. I am just hoping roommate number 5 is a good one. I would really like some that’s in the same situation or similar situation as myself. Normal, a Mom, a good person just wanting to do their time and go home. No trouble, no problems, no issues, and please be sane ! 

I got a single email last night from my Husband. I needed it. I was really sad and lonely. I read it again this morning. He says he was talking to my Son and telling him how lucky he was to have met me. I am thinking it’s the other way around. I am the lucky one. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve someone as wonderful as him ? He has stayed by my side through all this and loves me so much. I am very lucky and can’t wait to get home. I am so ready for this chapter in my life to be over and a new chapter to begin.  

New deputy today. Had laundry first thing this morning. Got a clean uniform. I went down a size in my shirt. Must be a good sign. We had the AM shift out from 8-10:30am. It was really nice, but after lunch we were on lockdown until dark. We were out first shift last night, so tonight we won’t get out until 8:30pm. That’s 9.5 straight hours of lockdown, in a cell by myself. Still no new roommate. 

At lunch today, one of the girls told me what she uses to make dice. I am going to try to make them this afternoon. That should help pass the time. I am just about done with my last book. My other books haven’t arrived yet. I was dreading this afternoon, but I found someone with a book and she let me borrow it. What a life saver. Not sure how good it is, but I don’t care. 

Finished reading “The Best of Me” after dinner. What an excellent book. The story was amazing. I am passing it on to my neighbor. I have been sharing books with her. She loves Nicholas Sparks, so she’s super excited to read it. I hope some books arrive soon, I’m running out of things to read. I didn’t even get to read the newspaper this morning. First thing this morning, some selfish bitch takes it and puts it in their cell. It’s supposed to be shared. I don’t know why they steal it. 95% of the women in here just want to read their horoscope. Only a few of us actually read the paper and care what’s going on in the world. Unless my horoscope says I’m going home, I don’t care ! 

I was successful on my dice making. It was actually fun. Crafts relax me. Now, I’m trying to figure out what else I can make and create in here. The supplies are limited, but nothing is impossible. 

I made it through the long lockdown, stayed strong, and powered through the day. Still no new roommate. We will see what tomorrow brings.