Day 52 (11/13/14) Today is the day....

Well, we didn’t lose an hour last night, we lost an hour this morning. So, the entire housing unit got out at 8am instead of 7am. We did much better today when walking to the chow hall. Especially at dinner. No one wanted to lose the evening dayroom. We have to be up at 3:30am for breakfast. It does really suck, but I don’t mind. It’s a trip outside and out of the housing unit. The girls in line behind me were talking about how they hate walking to the chow hall. They preferred having breakfast in the housing unit and they didn’t mind the lockdown. I’m listening to this and thinking to myself “really” ? I was on lockdown for 20-22 hours a day, now I am on lockdown 14-15 hours a day and 8 of those hours are when I’m sleeping. I would never prefer to be on lockdown 20-22 hours. I guess it’s not bad if you can sleep your days away. But, I can’t even sleep past 7am. 

Today is the day I have been waiting for. My first contact visit ! It’s been 52 days since I have seen or hugged my Husband and kids. They will be here tonight ! I can’t wait. I am so very happy and excited ! Today was a very good day. Time just flew by. Now, it’s the final hour to wait. This has to be the biggest smile I have had in the last 8 weeks. 

The deputy came and got me for my visit. I came through the hallway to the visiting area. She unlocked the door and there they were. All 3 of them sitting at the table waiting for me. They stood up and I hugged each of them. We all had tears of joy. God how I missed them. My family. Together. My visit was amazing ! To hug my Husband and kids was the best feeling. Just to be able to sit at the table together was incredible. We laughed and had such a good time. We were a family again. It didn’t matter where we were, just that we were together. It was unbelievable, I love them so much. 30 minutes goes by quick. I didn’t cry when they left. Instead, I had a huge smile on my face. It felt so good inside. I have not been that happy in a really long time. I can’t wait to see them again. Next visit is on Saturday. I am very blessed with an amazing Husband and incredible children. They are my strength and why I make it through everyday. Their love and support fuel my fire to keep fighting and pushing forward. Later, my Husband would say to me “See babe, no one can take what we have away from us. They may take this and want that, but they don’t have what we have. Never will. We have true love. We have unconditional love”. He is right. We will all be together soon. 

The Hardest Part - From the Outside (Husband)

You don't hear much about the Husbands or boyfriends when their Wives or girlfriends are sent to prison. Doesn't seem to be much talk about that. I'm sure there are several reasons for that. I don't have any problem sharing my journey. It's a nightmare. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. In fact I never really even think of myself. My family is my world. Kelly and my kids. They are everything. I write to my Wife in my journal everyday. Sometimes I just stare at her pictures at my desk while I'm writing. Like she's right in front of me......
The first few weeks weren't too bad. I was on the "The sooner you leave, the sooner you come home" mindset. Well, 4 months in, I'm struggling. I really miss you. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I want to call you after every thing new that I do. I want to tell you about my day. I want you to be proud of me. It's so hard Kel.  That is the hardest part for me. I can't talk and share things with you. It's hard to remember that this is only temporary. It hurts so bad. You know what kills me ? I can't remember what it was like when you were here. God, that makes me so sad to say.  It's been a tidal wave of so many things. I can see how some people would crumble going through this. I just don't think I have that in me. Mostly because of our children. I love them so much. I honestly didn't realize how much I did love them until now. Quitting and giving up has never been an option. Yes, there are days that I want to lay down and disappear for a day. I want some inner peace. I feel like I am not allowed happiness. I don't know why. Some days I feel like I cannot give and do anymore. I feel like a broken man. But, I find the strength. Somehow, I find it. Somehow it comes. I pray every night to be pointed into the direction of strength. Please show me the way, I will find it and I will take care of the rest. Just show me which way. That is how I live everyday. For now.
I was told that things don't get easier with time, you just get stronger. I can see that. The kids and I are closer and stronger than ever. But, we still have dark days. Some days we pull together, other days we stay apart. But, we always come back. We worry about you a lot and I'm sure you do the same about us. A close friend told me that this will show the kids what unconditional love is. I agree. We will make it through this, as a family. One day, when they go through heartache, they'll realize they can make it and it's not the end of the world. They will have learned that from their Mom and Dad.