Day 107 (1/7/15) I Waited and Waited, Nothing

We locked down at 9:45pm. Night count was over, lights went out. I waited and waited, nothing. I stayed up and wrote a letter to my Husband and after the second walk through by our deputy, I knew I wasn’t going. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. How can I still be here ? I got ready for bed and just laid there in dis-belief. 

I woke up this morning and just the thought of being here another week brought tears to my eyes. Then, the reality of another 4 weeks here killed me. They say the bus comes every week or every other week. But, I have been here and have watched 3 prison runs and they are every 4 weeks. So, by not being on that bus means, I’m stuck waiting another month. There is no guarantee I’ll be on February's run. This isn’t right. I am so upset. It’s not that this place is so horrible, the point is I’m not eligible to work or participate in any programs and services because I’m a Department of Corrections transfer (basically means i’m headed to Prison). Yet, they won’t transfer me and now I’ve been here for so long, it’s going to jeopardize my chance and opportunity to be eligible for programs and schooling once I eventually do get transferred. I want to go to fire camp and by them holding me here, my window of opportunity is closing. That is infuriating to me. Either transfer me or let me work and / or program here. You can’t keep denying me services and refuse to allow me to transfer. I was told over a month ago I could not participate in the Book Legacy’s Program here, because I was told I wouldn’t be here long enough. I’m still here. I could have participated in November, December, and January. It’s becoming ridiculous. All I keep seeing is the tax payers money continually being wasted. For example, there is a girl here waiting to be transferred, she should have went Tuesday, but she’s still here. She has 8 days until here release date. Everyday she is held past her release date, they have to pay her. They are going to pay to transfer her to prison, process her, and then release her. It’s just a total waste of money. It’s totally absurd. It does not seem like they have a very well run system. But, I am sure the salaries of the ones in charge of the prisons and jails systems are outrageous. 

I hope people read this and realize what’s really going on here. 

Day 14 (10/6/14)

It's Monday and it's closing of week two for me here. This week seemed to go faster than week one. But, still not fast enough. I woke up feeling not too great. I didn't really want to get moving, but I forced myself to. After my cell exercises I felt better. We had laundry today. I always like laundry day. Nothing like clean clothes.
We have one of the better deputies today. She splits the morning and afternoon times between the tiers. I prefer being out for shorter times twice a day, than 1 long period once a day.
My morning was a good one, then after lunch, my roommate came back upstairs to find our cell door wide open. I guess her meds were missing and she had Ibuprofen sitting on the desk next to her bible which were missing. She didn't remember taking it, so we searched the cell and could not find it. The deputy came and did a quick search and cell check at lunch, but did not take the meds. So now, we have another episode. The conspiracy, the yelling, the slamming things, all the hollering about about God, demons, and the devil. Oh the insanity. This is really getting out of hand. They finally took the inmate in cell 13 away last night. So that noise is gone now. I just have to have it in full blast in my cell. I am getting close to asking to switch cells. I could deal with it, but it's now 2 or 3 times a day and it's getting very irritating. I am hesitant, because she is harmless and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. So, I am going to try and wait it out. I'm pretty sure she goes home in 15 days, so I will see if I can make it. An hour later, she finally quieted down and is napping. Time to relax. I feel like a Mom who finally got her fussy cranky baby to sleep. Total silence. Total bliss.
I finished my third book today. Now I'm on to number 4. If I don't slow down, I'm going to cost my family a fortune in books ! I am reading and finishing books every 2 to 3 days. I just need more to do. It's really hard right now. I feel like I am drifting into insanity some days. I want the hell out of this housing unit. I don't want to sit and waste away anymore. I don't want to tolerate the madness and insanity that surrounds me, but if I get transferred far away, I will hardly see my family. Two video visits is better than no visits. I can't disrupt my kids lives and expect them to travel 4-5 hours to see me. Plus, who can afford that kind of travel all the time, or who would want to spent 8-10 hours in a car. It's really hard. I want to be close to my Husband and kids, so it's worth it to me to put up with the insane cellmate, the lockdown, and boredom. I'd do anything and endure anything. Just have to keep reminding myself to stay strong and don't give up. I have my Husband and kids waiting for me.

Day 13 (10/5/2014)

Went to sleep with a big smile. I actually felt happy. I had a great talk with my Husband and Daughter. My Husband had great news he shared with me and I received 2 new books from my Mother in Law. Received  3 wonderful emails from my Husband  and my amazing Daughter. She has grown into a beautiful strong young  lady. I am so proud of her. 

My bunkmate and I laughed and joked last night before bed. I have not laughed hard like that in a while. It felt great. I had a moment of pure joy, it made me forget where I was and at the moment I was happy. It felt amazing to smile as I went to sleep.

Sunday is usually a day of rest for us, but not today. We were up before sunrise, had to get ready for inspection.  Cleaned and ready. Passed. 

My roommate did not get a milk for lunch and now she is furious. Yelling and hollering about a conspiracy. People stirring up mess, haters, and on and on. I have my roommate going off in the cell and the inmate in cell 13 (directly below us) going absolutely berserk ! Smashing and pounding on everything in her cell. She’s begging to be let out of her cell. They just leave her in there to yell and scream all day. A caged animal, that’s how she’s treated. He episodes come and go, but right now the chaos is out of control.  Sometimes it’s just too much. I just want to read in peace. Day room time can’t come fast enough today, It’s my only escape from this madness.

Day room came and went. It was a nice break, but it never feels long enough. After dinner was alright too. Got a lot of reading in. Reading a great new book called “Ashes to Ashes”. Getting lost in it. Love how it takes me away from all this for a while. But, after the evening time, I came back to the looney bin.  My bunkmate is off her rocker again tonight. Something about this particular deputy here sets her off. Her episodes are getting more frequent. It’s getting hard to handle. Imagine being in a 10ft by 8ft cell, with an 8” wide by 24” tall window on the door and that’s it. These cells don't have bars. It's a door. You have a mentally ill person you share this tiny room with who is full of rage and obviously hearing voices.  It’s weird, I’m not scared, more frustrated and annoyed. Well, I was able to finally shut her out and fell asleep. I have been blessed with the gift to be able to fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything (as my Husband always told me). So, I closed my eyes and I was out. The silence was golden. 

Day 12 (10/4/14)

Saturday morning. Another new deputy today. She is a good one. She is splitting the morning and afternoon with both tiers. Should be a good day. My bunkmate is back to herself today. No hard feelings toward her. People with mental illness are just misunderstood. You have to have patience and not be afraid of them. I think too many people just write them off because of fear and ignorance. I am no expert by any means, but I embrace people that are different. 

I got a quick call to my Husband this morning, that was nice. Also, got to wish my Son good luck at his soccer game. I really worry about him every day. I know me being away has an effect on him. But, how big of an impact is it having I wonder ? Will he eventually hate me one day ? Will he blame me ? Will he feel like I’ve abandoned him ? Will he have issues in life or in future relationships because of this ? If he does, it will all be my fault. A mother is supposed to love, protect, and take care of her children. Mom’s are responsible for them to be healthy and happy with little baggage as possible. I feel like a horrible Mom today. I don’t know what to do. I am powerless in here. I can’t be there with them, so how do I insure my kids my kids come out ok after all this ? I worry about my Daughter everyday as well. But, she is 18 and my Son is only 11. So, my Son being younger, I fear the affects will be much more traumatic. I feel so much guilt. Especially, if bad choices or decisions are made. From my own experience, I know what childhood baggage can do to someone. Especially if it’s never addressed or dealt with. I didn’t face or address my issues until I was 38 years old. I don’t want my kids to live that torment. I want better for them, they are my number one priority. I would give my life for them. I hope they know and understand how much I love them and how sorry I am for their hurt and sadness they have had to endure because of me. I wonder how many other Mom’s like myself are in this place ? Why are there not better programs for Mom’s and their children ? More so, for the kids, so they can have a fighting chance to break the cycle. Make changes for a better future. The kids are innocent in this nightmare. Give them a chance so they don’t end up in Jail / Prison, in abusive relationships, homeless, on the streets, in gangs, and / or addicted to drugs / alcohol. There should be counseling services, support groups, kids activities, and programs.  Special bonding visits and calls for kids and their Mom’s. Maybe even a Mom’s support group in Jail / Prison. Where Mom’s can meet and discuss what they are going through. Different ways to cope and ideas on how to stay close to your kids while behind bars. 

This trip sure is one rough road. It’s not always easy in our society to get a second chance when you make a mistake. That’s why I want to name my foundation “Second Chances”. I have to give myself and other women like me a second chance. Without second chances, it’s so easy to give up and we can’t give up. We need a second chance for ourselves and our kids. 

If you get in trouble or break the rules, you get lockdown (there are 2 lockdowns I’ve experienced. One because there is a threat to the deputies and 2 because they are minimizing inmates being out at once). When you act out, you get your own “personal “lockdown. In your cell 24/7. The inmate in cell 13, directly under my cell, is in “personal” lockdown. She is not adjusting well to lockdown after lunch at all. She was screaming and was hysterical about wanting out or something. It was hard to understand what she was screaming.  She was banging on the door, sink and toilet. She was out of control and went on and on for some time. Then she was just yelling. The crying and screaming had stopped. She was yelling like she was possessed by a demon.  My roommate was napping and woke up. She was like “Who is that carrying on like that ?”. At that point, I just burst into laughter. Sometimes it’s all you can do. My Husband always said “Better to laugh than to cry”. 

Day 11 (10/3/14)

It was a busy morning. Girls going home, girls off to court, new inmates arriving, the cell doors and housing doors were opening and closing all morning long. It was hard to sleep, but I managed. Now that I have a “system” going, I’m not freezing all night. I sleep much better. 

I got a bunch of emails this morning. That was a pleasant surprise. I love the emails from my family. 

We have a new deputy this morning, so we will see how things go today. The bottom tier got the first AM shift.  I really wanted the first AM shift. I wanted to call my Husband this morning and wish him good luck on a new job. But, that didn’t happen, got stuck in this damn cell again ! I just want out of this place. I am sick of sitting around and wasting away in this damn place. How do they expect us to be contributing members to society if all we do is just sit around ? Sit around and get fat, stupid, and lazy. Most of these women sleep all day and night. They have given up. I can’t do it. I’m going crazy in here ! I need my mind and body to be moving and working every day.  If I were going to be tossed aside,forgotten, and left to waste away, you should have just killed me. Save the tax payers some money. Why waste money on food and housing on the worthless forgotten ones left to rot here. Just dig a ditch, kill us and it’s done. I am just angry and frustrated today. I was spoiled the last 2 days with getting out 3 times a day (morning, afternoon, evening) and now we’re back to this lockdown bullshit, out once a day. I just wish we could get on some kind of schedule.

It’s after lunch now and I’ve calmed down. I enjoyed my lunch at the windows in the sunlight. I came back in a re-read all the emails I have received from day 1. I am very thankful for my family and just need to focus on them and not what I can’t control. My Dad sent me this:

Be Happy ! Happiness comes from within. It’s not where you are, but who you are, who you love, who loves you, whether near or far. 

He’s right, I need to be happy within. I just need to think about my Husband, my Daughter, my Son, my Sisters, my Dad, my Mom, my entire family. All the love and support out there waiting for me. I am very lucky and blessed. That makes me very happy. Whether I am stuck in my cell or out of my cell, I am loved. I am happy for the love and support. 

The afternoon turned out to be a good one. We got out for 2 hours and 30 minutes today, 1:00pm – 3:30pm. I couldn’t believe it ! That was the longest at one time I have gotten out  since I’ve been here. It was amazing ! I enjoyed every minute and took full advantage of it. 

Then I had my visit with my family tonight. It was at 7pm, but they forgot to get me again. So, when I logged onto the video chat, we only had 16 minutes left out of 30. But, my Daughter went to the front desk and got another 25 minutes ! It was fantastic ! They all looked and sounded really good. My Daughter was beautiful, my Son with his handsome smile, and of course my Husband looks great as usual. I have the best little family in the world. I can’t wait until I am home. I look forward to the day we are all together again.  I miss and love them so much. 

I get ready for bed tonight with my bunkmate having a breakdown. She suffers from mental illness and she is having an episode. She is very angry. Slamming things and yelling about “wickedness” and “criminals with badges”. “Ali has something in store for their asses. You will be calling me by name. He can create an earthquake at anytime. God will strike you down. Wickedness in high places. The mother***ers all over this place”. I can go on and on. She is now reading loudly from the bible. Most people would be freaking out right now, but I can handle the insane, they don’t bother me. But, I understand now how she’s gone through so many different roommates in the short time she’s been here. This is not her first episode with me, but it’s the worst one so far. Her personality can turn on a dime. Well, never a dull moment in jail. We’ll see what tomorrow will bring. 

Day 10 (10/2/14)

Breakfast in our cells this morning. Don't know why. But, I hope it doesn't mean a whole day of lockdown. Usually, I go back to sleep after breakfast, but today, I couldn't. I was missing my Husband and kids. The anxiety of possibly being in our cells all day got to me. My mind was racing and I could not go back to sleep. I tried counting, but it didn't work at all. My mind was still racing. I did eventually fall back asleep.
We had the same deputy as yesterday, so, we get to split the time again. It's going to be a great day !
The girl next door in cell 28 gets to go home today. The deputy was waiting on her and she didn't want to leave. She woke her up an hour ago so she could get ready and pack. But, she didn't get ready. The deputy came over and said "It's time to go, let's go". She replied "I'm not ready, I'll stay another day". The deputy told her no and that if she didn't get moving, she was going to have to handcuff her and take her out of here. So, she reluctantly packed and said "I don't want to go. Where am I going go ?" I wanted to trade places with her. She can stay and I will go home. It was surprising, because I thought everyone wanted the hell out of this place. It's sad, she was a nice girl, a little crazy, but a free spirit. She was never mean to anyone and always had a smile. It's just not right when this is the place you want to be. Unfortunately, the odds are she'll be back. But, I hope she doesn't return. I wish her the best and hope to help women like her one day. Because no one, should ever want to stay here.
Enjoying the day room this morning. Watching Animal Planet. It's nice and quiet today. A lot of people are at court or got to go home today. So, it was peaceful and enjoyable for once. One of the new girls was enjoying the sun by the windows upstairs. When she headed downstairs, she passed out and collapses down the stairs to the floor. Everyone jumped up to get the deputies' attention. She was out cold. The deputy went to assist her and called medical. We were back in lockdown.
I finished my book today. It was amazing. An absolute wonderful story. A great read. I can't wait to tell my friend. She will love it. I will have to suggest it for the book club.
I didn't run out of tears, I got a little sad. I think my book was an escape and it made me happy. Now that it's done, I was thrown back into reality. So, I am a little depressed, missing my Husband and kids so much. I need the time to pass faster. I just want to move on past all this. I hope I get a new book soon and thankfully get to see my family tomorrow.
I go to sleep tonight, thankful another day has passed.