I made it through most of the day without a tear. But, after dinner, I could not hold it in longer. I miss my family so much. That's the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I have hit rock bottom, so the only way is up from here. I spent most of my day writing. We finally got the afternoon shift instead of the morning. So after lunch, got to get out. Enjoyed the sun, rode the exercise bike, and watched Law and Order. I tried to call my Dad, but couldn't get an answer. It was upsetting, because I really wanted to talk to him. I love and miss him so much. He is the best Dad and means a lot to me. His love and support through this has meant the world to me. I thought I was just a disappointment to him, but that was not the case. He loves me so much and I love him, always have.
I hope my books come soon. I am feeling really down. At dinner, Mama J asked me "You really hate this place don't you", of course I do. I miss my family so much. I just want to be with them. I am also afraid of the future. Am I going to be able to support my family again ? Will I be the same person ? I don't want to lose myself here. It's so easy to sink into depression in here.
I had a good cry, cried it out and focussed on the positive. My visit tonight with my two favorite boys.
I made my evening. It was real good. I needed that visit. It was wonderful to see my Husband and handsome Son. He has such a gorgeous smile. He is a very special boy with a heart of gold.
As a Mom, I got two magnificent children. They fill my heart with love and make me so proud. I beam with happiness when I see them. I can't wait to hold and hug them again.
Finished the night off with part of a movie and thankfulness of another passing day.
Showing posts with label prison womens inmate las colinas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prison womens inmate las colinas. Show all posts
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
A husbands perspective
I am the Husband, the Dad, the best friend, and soulmate.
It's been a roller coaster nightmare. You lose the love of your life and your best friend.
The person you can't wait to share every moment of your life with. The person you text as soon as you hear something funny. The person you text "I love you beautiful, have a good day" to lift their spirits. It's all gone. There's no easing in to it. It almost as she's died. But, as my Daughter told me "It's not the same, because you can still talk to her" That is true. Just not whenever I would like. But, I guess it could be worse. Right now, I get a phone call a day for about 15-20 minutes. Share the call with the kids. So thankful it's daily. I don't think it's going to stay that way once she's moved. But, I'll take what I can get.
She also gets 2 visits a week. Video visits. 30 minutes a visit. Video visits are conducted through a 15" wide, 12"tall monitor with 2 telephones on either side. 2 out of three visits so far have started 12-15 minutes late. So, unless you complain (which most don't), you are out of 13-15 minutes of your visit. That is a life time for loved ones and an inmate that only has 2 visits a week. Usually, the "clerks" behind the bulletproof glass will try and accommodate your missed time. Which is cool. But, worrying about whether you're going to start on time is awful. So much anxiety.
There is also a delay on your call. I suppose this is so they can catch you if you are plotting to put like a file in a cake or something. Lame.
It's only been almost 2 weeks and I can see the difference in her appearance and the heavy sadness in her eyes. You try not to say anything about how you are struggling. But, she knows. She is such a "helper", I know it just kills her inside. What I would do to have "contact" visits. 30 minutes at least 3 times a week. To hold her hand, to give her a hug, a kiss. It really is an excessive punishment for a non-violent, first time offense. We hold on, we still love, we never give up. That's all we can do right now.
It's been a roller coaster nightmare. You lose the love of your life and your best friend.
The person you can't wait to share every moment of your life with. The person you text as soon as you hear something funny. The person you text "I love you beautiful, have a good day" to lift their spirits. It's all gone. There's no easing in to it. It almost as she's died. But, as my Daughter told me "It's not the same, because you can still talk to her" That is true. Just not whenever I would like. But, I guess it could be worse. Right now, I get a phone call a day for about 15-20 minutes. Share the call with the kids. So thankful it's daily. I don't think it's going to stay that way once she's moved. But, I'll take what I can get.
She also gets 2 visits a week. Video visits. 30 minutes a visit. Video visits are conducted through a 15" wide, 12"tall monitor with 2 telephones on either side. 2 out of three visits so far have started 12-15 minutes late. So, unless you complain (which most don't), you are out of 13-15 minutes of your visit. That is a life time for loved ones and an inmate that only has 2 visits a week. Usually, the "clerks" behind the bulletproof glass will try and accommodate your missed time. Which is cool. But, worrying about whether you're going to start on time is awful. So much anxiety.
There is also a delay on your call. I suppose this is so they can catch you if you are plotting to put like a file in a cake or something. Lame.
It's only been almost 2 weeks and I can see the difference in her appearance and the heavy sadness in her eyes. You try not to say anything about how you are struggling. But, she knows. She is such a "helper", I know it just kills her inside. What I would do to have "contact" visits. 30 minutes at least 3 times a week. To hold her hand, to give her a hug, a kiss. It really is an excessive punishment for a non-violent, first time offense. We hold on, we still love, we never give up. That's all we can do right now.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Day 5 / Part One (9/27/14)
It's Saturday today and I get a visit from my boys tonight ! My Husband and Son are coming at 7pm and I can't wait. I told myself the goal today was to be positive, try and be happy, and not cry today. I received a lot of letters today. From my Husband, Daughter, two from my Dad, and my lawyer. It was nice to have so much to read. I am so thankful for my family. I love them so much and will cherish the love, support, and strength they have given me. It's sad it took this tragedy in my life for me to realize what I had with my family, But, better late than never, I lost my way, went down the wrong path, and made a mistake that landed me here.I felt alone, dealt with it alone, and struggled alone. But, come to realize, my family was here the entire time with no judgement, just unconditional love. I just didn't know it or thought I deserved it. Not only did I have my immediate family, but my entire brother- in -laws family was there as well. I am very blessed and thankful everyday that I have something to go back to after I do my time.
I wish I had more to do to pass the time instead of just wasting away the hours we could be doing productive things with our time. Giving back to the community. We could be putting in hard work. Just seems the system could use some improvement. We waste a lot of the tax payers money in here. Especially when you take people that have jobs and are paying taxes and put them in jail or prison. They can be punished while still working. They can pay taxes and contribute to society. It sure would cost less and we could put the money towards schools, higher education, health care, etc. It cost an average of $62,000 a year for each inmate. It seems ridiculous to spend this kind of money on non-violent, first time offenders, people who need treatment for mental health, and or drugs and alcohol .
People who have broken the law, but you wouldn't be afraid of to be their neighbor. They should not be crowding our jails and prisons. I'm sure there is a better way to save the tax payers money, contribute and give back to our communities,
I wish I had more to do to pass the time instead of just wasting away the hours we could be doing productive things with our time. Giving back to the community. We could be putting in hard work. Just seems the system could use some improvement. We waste a lot of the tax payers money in here. Especially when you take people that have jobs and are paying taxes and put them in jail or prison. They can be punished while still working. They can pay taxes and contribute to society. It sure would cost less and we could put the money towards schools, higher education, health care, etc. It cost an average of $62,000 a year for each inmate. It seems ridiculous to spend this kind of money on non-violent, first time offenders, people who need treatment for mental health, and or drugs and alcohol .
People who have broken the law, but you wouldn't be afraid of to be their neighbor. They should not be crowding our jails and prisons. I'm sure there is a better way to save the tax payers money, contribute and give back to our communities,
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Day 4 (9/26/14)
Decided I need a routine. So, breakfast at 4am, go back to bed, get back up around 7-8am, go make a call, exercise, shower, enjoy free time. "Free time" haha. This sounds ok, until there's a lock down. Then it's all gone.
This morning I got my call in with my daughter. She is one special young lady. I love her so much, I am so proud of her.
Then a little bit of exercise on the bike and before I could get my shower in, we were in lock down. It wasn't even 9am yet. They had maintenance come in and do some work. So, it was another long day of lock down. It was real hard. I cried a lot, I cried so much. I was sick of crying. I just miss my family so much. I also worry about them as well. I am scared not being there with them. Able to help and protect them.
I received my first mail today. A letter from my Husband and Sister. That was really nice.
I spent my time today finishing the book I started and wrote letters to my family. I cherished the time at lunch and dinner. Short, but wonderful. You become thankful for the little things in here. The things you would take for granted in the "free" world.
Only got an hour again tonight. So after 10.5 hours of lock down, I wasted no time. I had to call my family. Had to clean my cell first for inspection tomorrow morning. Always being locked up in your cell, you don't get to sweep, mop, and clean. I hustled and got it done quick.
I was off to the phones. Had a great talk with my husband and kids. I was really sad and cried at my husband. But, he was so strong. He gave me the strength I needed to not give up and keep going. It's real hard not to give up in this place. You can lose hope real fast. I don't know how women with no support on the outside make it.
Mama J likes to sing. She sings to me to cheer me up. She is such a sweet and giving lady. She shared the following with me today to help with my struggles and sadness.
"Dear Lord, I am far from home and I miss everyone and everything. I think about my children and I wish I could tuck them in at night. I miss my Husband, my family, and our special times. I miss all the little things I usually take for granted. Help this time pass quickly, bless those I love and help them know they are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please bring me home safely"
"Amen"
This morning I got my call in with my daughter. She is one special young lady. I love her so much, I am so proud of her.
Then a little bit of exercise on the bike and before I could get my shower in, we were in lock down. It wasn't even 9am yet. They had maintenance come in and do some work. So, it was another long day of lock down. It was real hard. I cried a lot, I cried so much. I was sick of crying. I just miss my family so much. I also worry about them as well. I am scared not being there with them. Able to help and protect them.
I received my first mail today. A letter from my Husband and Sister. That was really nice.
I spent my time today finishing the book I started and wrote letters to my family. I cherished the time at lunch and dinner. Short, but wonderful. You become thankful for the little things in here. The things you would take for granted in the "free" world.
Only got an hour again tonight. So after 10.5 hours of lock down, I wasted no time. I had to call my family. Had to clean my cell first for inspection tomorrow morning. Always being locked up in your cell, you don't get to sweep, mop, and clean. I hustled and got it done quick.
I was off to the phones. Had a great talk with my husband and kids. I was really sad and cried at my husband. But, he was so strong. He gave me the strength I needed to not give up and keep going. It's real hard not to give up in this place. You can lose hope real fast. I don't know how women with no support on the outside make it.
Mama J likes to sing. She sings to me to cheer me up. She is such a sweet and giving lady. She shared the following with me today to help with my struggles and sadness.
"Dear Lord, I am far from home and I miss everyone and everything. I think about my children and I wish I could tuck them in at night. I miss my Husband, my family, and our special times. I miss all the little things I usually take for granted. Help this time pass quickly, bless those I love and help them know they are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please bring me home safely"
"Amen"
Day 3 (9/25/14)
Sound, you become desperate to hear the unlocking of your cell. I am thankful for every second I get to step outside this cell. I wasted no time this morning, I was up and moving. First thing, call my husband. It was a great call. Last nights call was rushed, this morning was like we were having our daily talk with a cup of coffee. It really helped lift my spirits. Then I went and got some sun and and exercise. Our "yard" is a small concrete area, with tall 15ft walls and chain link over it. Like it was the ceiling. I rode the exercise bike and walked around as much as I could, showered and spent as much time as I could in the day room. I enjoy sitting and standing by the big windows. Just to look outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin is nice.
Then it was back to the cell for lockdown. I couldn't hold back the tears today. The loneliness and heartbreak I felt for my family was unbearable. I miss them so much and the time goes by so slow here. I think "how am I going to make it through this ? Will I be able to ? Am I strong enough ?" I don't know if I can.
Mama J had a book she picked up that someone had left here. She let me read it. Reading helps the time and the tears. I read through three quarters of the book, "One Bad Dude" was the name. The miraculous transformation of a four time loser. It was a decent read. It kept my mind busy.
Had to have dinner our cells. That was disappointing. Just have to try and get used to this cell as my "new" yet "temporary" home. At least until I get transferred to my "permanent" home for the rest of my sentence. It is so very hard, this is going to be one long tough journey.
Got an hour and a half out tonight (7-8:30pm). It was nice. Got to talk to my Husband again and my Sister. Plus, got some more exercise in as well. Again, thankful every day for every minute I am out of the cell.
Commissary arrived tonight. Now I can write letters to my family and hope it helps the time go by.
Then it was back to the cell for lockdown. I couldn't hold back the tears today. The loneliness and heartbreak I felt for my family was unbearable. I miss them so much and the time goes by so slow here. I think "how am I going to make it through this ? Will I be able to ? Am I strong enough ?" I don't know if I can.
Mama J had a book she picked up that someone had left here. She let me read it. Reading helps the time and the tears. I read through three quarters of the book, "One Bad Dude" was the name. The miraculous transformation of a four time loser. It was a decent read. It kept my mind busy.
Had to have dinner our cells. That was disappointing. Just have to try and get used to this cell as my "new" yet "temporary" home. At least until I get transferred to my "permanent" home for the rest of my sentence. It is so very hard, this is going to be one long tough journey.
Got an hour and a half out tonight (7-8:30pm). It was nice. Got to talk to my Husband again and my Sister. Plus, got some more exercise in as well. Again, thankful every day for every minute I am out of the cell.
Commissary arrived tonight. Now I can write letters to my family and hope it helps the time go by.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Day 2 (9/24/14)
Starting from the last Post (next day)
After breakfast I was back to bed and asleep. Sometime around 7 am, I woke up to the sound of a loud clank. The cell doors opening. I got up and met my roommate. She is an older woman of 53 years. Her name is Carol, but she likes to be called "Mama J". She is a Veteran and a mother of 2 beautiful daughters. She immediately helped me out with all the info I needed to get situated in this place.
My wonderful Sister had already put money (along with my Dad) on my books and money on a calling card for me so I was able to call my family and order commissary.
I waited to call my family later that afternoon. I later regretted this decision. I spent the morning learning the ropes, getting the basics ordered. I ordered a brush, toothpaste, deodorant, wash cloth, and writing material (pencils, paper) and stamped envelopes. Then before I knew it, we were locked down in our cells. Got to come out for 15 minutes for lunch and again around 4pm for dinner for 15 minutes. You eat fast or you don't eat. You are not allowed to save or bring food back to your cell.
Today was horrible. I had nothing to do. The anxiety of the cell and being here, along with desperately missing my family was so hard.
Finally after 9.5 hours in my cell, we got one hour out. I didn't waste any time and called my family. I was so thankful for the phone call. Just to hear the voices of my husband and kids was priceless.
Lockdown at 8:30pm.
I spent the rest of the night getting to know my roommate before lights out at 10pm.
At least I didn't have any trouble sleeping, because I was so exhausted from the night before.
After breakfast I was back to bed and asleep. Sometime around 7 am, I woke up to the sound of a loud clank. The cell doors opening. I got up and met my roommate. She is an older woman of 53 years. Her name is Carol, but she likes to be called "Mama J". She is a Veteran and a mother of 2 beautiful daughters. She immediately helped me out with all the info I needed to get situated in this place.
My wonderful Sister had already put money (along with my Dad) on my books and money on a calling card for me so I was able to call my family and order commissary.
I waited to call my family later that afternoon. I later regretted this decision. I spent the morning learning the ropes, getting the basics ordered. I ordered a brush, toothpaste, deodorant, wash cloth, and writing material (pencils, paper) and stamped envelopes. Then before I knew it, we were locked down in our cells. Got to come out for 15 minutes for lunch and again around 4pm for dinner for 15 minutes. You eat fast or you don't eat. You are not allowed to save or bring food back to your cell.
Today was horrible. I had nothing to do. The anxiety of the cell and being here, along with desperately missing my family was so hard.
Finally after 9.5 hours in my cell, we got one hour out. I didn't waste any time and called my family. I was so thankful for the phone call. Just to hear the voices of my husband and kids was priceless.
Lockdown at 8:30pm.
I spent the rest of the night getting to know my roommate before lights out at 10pm.
At least I didn't have any trouble sleeping, because I was so exhausted from the night before.
Day 1 (9/23/14)
I was sentenced today. I was strong, but it was very hard to say goodbye to my family. Especially my husband of 16 years this November and my children. My Daughter is 18 and my Son is 11 years old. They are my world. We are always together. This is going to be a rough road.
It was a long day. Day one always is. The booking process is not fast at all. I left the court house at 4pm, arrived at the jail and finished pre-booking by 5:30pm. Now the waiting game begins. The jail was just recently updated. It's now open booking instead of sitting in tiny cells throughout the process. It's a giant open room with chairs and a tv. The open booking process is much easier, nicer and can handle the volume much better than before (I spent a weekend at this jail when I was originally arrested for this crime back in 2013). I took full advantage of the free phone calls and talked with my family. I called my Sister and got to talk to my best friend (My Husband) twice. It was comforting to hear their voices and let them know I was ok.
8.5 hours later, at 2am, I got called to get dressed out in my blues and off to housing. By the time I was in my bunk, it was 3am. I was up again at 4am for breakfast.
It was a long day. Day one always is. The booking process is not fast at all. I left the court house at 4pm, arrived at the jail and finished pre-booking by 5:30pm. Now the waiting game begins. The jail was just recently updated. It's now open booking instead of sitting in tiny cells throughout the process. It's a giant open room with chairs and a tv. The open booking process is much easier, nicer and can handle the volume much better than before (I spent a weekend at this jail when I was originally arrested for this crime back in 2013). I took full advantage of the free phone calls and talked with my family. I called my Sister and got to talk to my best friend (My Husband) twice. It was comforting to hear their voices and let them know I was ok.
8.5 hours later, at 2am, I got called to get dressed out in my blues and off to housing. By the time I was in my bunk, it was 3am. I was up again at 4am for breakfast.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)