Day 29, Part 1 (10/21/14) Counting and refuse to be forgotten..

It’s been exactly 4 weeks since my arrival at this fine establishment. In the last 4 weeks, I have had 5 roommates, stayed in 3 different cells, read 7 books, had 4 inspections, 7 visits. I have made 48 phone calls, written over 40 letters, consumed 7 bananas, I have spent $240 on phone time, been through 2 facility lockdowns, bought 20 stamped envelopes, and 8 postcards. I have made 15 inmate requests, received 62 emails, and have spent 556 hours in lockdown (out of 696 total hours). 

It’s been a long and difficult month. But, I made it ! I have had a roller coaster ride of emotions over the last 4 weeks. Highs, lows, extreme lows, sadness, anger, hopelessness, loneliness, guilt, and desperation. But, in the end, I made it. I was able to push through it all. All thanks to my wonderful family. Their love and support along the way is amazing and every time I was down, they were always there to pick me up. 

I am also thankful for the 5 roommates I’ve had so far on this journey. They have each touched me in their own way and I will never forget any of them. Each one always had compassion and support for me whenever I was down. Though they had their flaws, quirks, and drove me crazy sometimes, they are good women deep down inside. Like myself, who made a mistake, they deserve a second chance. I hope that when they leave here, they will find that second chance and turn their lives around. I wish them the best, they deserve it. 

I have found this new inner strength and I am keeping it together more. Starting to feel good inside again. I refuse to be lost in the system and forgotten. I refuse to let this bring me down. I know I have so much to offer and my family is counting on me. So, I am determined to stay focused and strong through all this. Before I was sentenced. I bought myself this inspirational card to send myself while I was locked up. My Husband emailed it to me and I read it every morning to give me the strength to make it yet another day.

A New Start

The page once written has been read, the chapter closed and done.

Time now to leave behind regret and walk out towards the Sun.

It rises to another day, that’s brighter than the last.

Leave all bitterness behind, you have divorced the past. 

Be positive about your life, the changes you’ve been through.

In turn you’ll come to recognize, you’ve found the stronger you. 

Day 22 (10/14/14) Let love lift me higher...

Last night was rough. I was in a very bad place and super down. My roommate had a breakdown too and was really upset. This place will do that to you. You have no control on your life on the outside. So you feel helpless. You are locked down for 20+ hours and you feel trapped and powerless. Time passes so slow, the days, the hours , the minutes just drag on and there seems to be no end to the pain and hurt you feel. There is nothing you can do to change your current situation. You’re trapped and then the hopelessness sets in and the loneliness builds up and you just want to give up. 

It was a rough night for me because we had a different deputy, so the idea of getting out for 3 hours again was gone and immediately the anxiety set in. Knowing I am only going to get one hour just kills me. It’s my own fault. I set myself up for disappointment. I should have known it was a one time thing and to expect the same amount of time again was a recipe for disaster for me. Then I got my emails. My Sister did a bunch of research for me and I am super thankful for it. It was informative, but not promising on assisting me to get home to my family. Then the email from my Daughter just killed me. She is struggling and having a hard time now. She feels alone with no one to talk to or just be there for her . I am gone and she wishes I was there for her. My Daughter desperately needs me and I am not there for her, I feel awful. She is holding everything inside and it’s not healthy. She needs help, but doesn’t want it. The anguish I feel right now is unbearable. I want so desperately to be there for my Daughter and I can’t. This is so hard. I cry myself to sleep, praying that tomorrow is a better day for my Daughter. I pray that in the end, my Husband, Daughter, and Son make it through all this. I hope they know how much I love and miss them. 

I wake up today not feeling great. But, I have two choices. I can drown in my tears and give up or I can stand up, be strong, and power through this day. I chose option two. I got up and I am powering through the day. I wouldn’t say I am happy or feeling good, but I can say that I am not giving up. I am fighting to be strong for my Daughter. If I don’t want her to give up, then I can’t give up. So, I am going to be strong and we are going to make it through this together. My family needs me and I need them. I just have to try and be there for them as much as possible while I’m away. I was pretty numb most of the day, but as the day progressed, I got better. Then I got my emails. My motivation to keep going got stronger. I am moving upward and onward. Like my Dad said “Don’t count the days. make the days count” I know I can do this. I just need to dig deep. I have an incredible family counting and waiting on me to come home. I refuse to let this beat me. I will overcome this and continue to fight everyday. I know I have a lot to offer and so much to give. I can and will do this. I will be stronger and a better person in the end. 

Day 16 / Part 2 (10/8/14)

Just finished lunch and a fight almost broke out. Who knows what it was about. Someone looking at someone wrong, someone butting into another inmates conversation, who knows. I don't know, but the one inmate who has already been on lockdown, was egging on the girl. "Let's go ! Come on ! See if you can beat my ass !" The girl looked like she was going to jump out of her chair and fight. I don't know who would have "won, it looked pretty even. They are both crazy. I said to Mama J "please don't fight. I don't want to be on lockdown this afternoon". The other inmate just wouldn't stop. Pacing, throwing her arms up. The other girls friends told her it wasn't worth it. It's not just a write and lockdown. It's additional charges. No fight is worth being in here longer. You have to be careful here because, there are girls here that are the "shit starters". The ones that don't fight, but convince others to fight and do their dirty work. You have to avoid them because they are not your friends no matter how much they try to convince you that they are. Real friends don't use you, they look out for you.
We all made it back to our cells without incident. Let's hope it stays that way. I want my full afternoon time.

So much for full afternoon time. We got out at 1pm and we were on lockdown at 1:30pm. Really ? 30 minutes ? I am sick of this. I didn't even get to call my daughter like I wanted and needed to. I am so frustrated. Another long unproductive day in my cell. I did talk to the deputy and she told me who and what to request to be moved to a different housing unit. So, I did that today. I just need to hope and pray it goes through. I do have a lot to offer and I hope they don't ignore it or forget about me. Don't leave me here to waste away.

My headache from earlier is back. I figured out what has caused it. They are doing construction outside and the smell of sulfur and rubber is coming through the vents in the cells. Remember, there is no ventilation in the cells except for the vents. I was smelling it yesterday and I smell it again.
The deputy listened and was nice enough to let us open the cell doors for fresh air. My headache is
almost gone.

I am struggling again today. I am better than yesterday, but my anxiety and depression won't seem to leave me alone. I haven't been eating and I keep crying all the time. I really hate feeling this way, but when all you do is sit around and wait for the time to pass you by, it's hard not to get down. I really miss my Husband and kids. I do my cell exercises, that helps me feel a little better. I also started drawing and coloring inspirational posters for my family. That helps the time go by and relaxes me. I finished my daughters today and am working on my Husbands now. While working on them, I came up with, "Posters from Prison". I could make these, sell them, and use the money for "Sisters for a second Chance".

I just took a crazy chance and volunteered to move back to the top tier. I think I am  going to be sick. I hope I made the right decision. It's 11pm and my bunkmate is fast asleep. So, we will see how tomorrow goes. My heart is racing like crazy, hope I can sleep.

Day 16 / Part One (10/8/14)

It was a quiet night. The snoring must have been a one time fluke. Thank goodness. I woke up feeling better and stronger after talking to my family last night. It’s still hard, but just a little easier today. 

We have a new deputy today. So, the sharing of the morning and afternoon has come to an end. The top tier got the AM shift, we will get the afternoon. It’s a bummer, because I prefer the split. But, at least this deputy gives us our full dayroom time, so I will be out this afternoon for over two hours. That will be nice. 

I had breakfast with my old bunkmate today. She is miserable. She wants out of cell one. She said she is going to try and talk to the deputy and see if we can get a cell together again. We’ll see what happens. 

I’m just trying to take it day by day and just go with it. That’s my new motto. Just go with it and take each day in stride. It seems to be helping me. 

When I talked to my Husband last night, he had gotten an email from my attorney about my upcoming court date. She says if we don’t come to a mutual agreement (highly unlikely), we’ll get a new court date and I could be here through December. I won’t be transferred until January. I like the idea of being close to my family, but I hate the idea of being stuck here for another 2 1/2 months. Where will I be mentally ? I am going to talk to the deputy about being transferred to work. I will take anything. Kitchen, laundry, sewing, landscaping, whatever is available. I want to work, be productive, and stay busy. I hope she can help me. It’s the only way I can survive (mentally) in here for the next 3 months. 

I went to bed with a slight headache and woke up with it last night as well. I am sure it’s stress related. I am hoping it goes away, I don’t want to have to go to medical and pay $3.00 for my visit just for them to give me ibuprofen. I am going to wait it out today and see what happens. 

Lots of “free” time on my hands, because I devoured all my books so fast, I was thinking more about the foundation I am going to start. Sisters for a Second Chance. Giving women a second chance to restore their lives and future. I am going to see what my Sisters think about it. The 3 of us together are very special. They are going to help me with this. I am very lucky to have two wonderful sisters. They are both amazing and so supportive. They are not only my Sisters, but my friends and I love and miss them so much. I look forward to a “girls” trip or day with them when this nightmare is over.