Day 30 (10/22/14) “For reals Homie"

It’s Wednesday, hump day ! I can’t wait to call and ask my Son what day it is. I love it when he say “Hump Daaayyyy” ! He's so funny ! 

Another new deputy today. We have had a new deputy for the past 4 days. This one is a good one, she gives us our full day room time and time in the morning and afternoon. This housing unit must have a really bad reputation. I guess not too many deputies like working this housing unit. Our deputy today included. Maybe it’s all the grievances the inmates file on the deputies. I have watched the Sergeants empty the complaint box (once a week) and it’s full with 20-30 complaints every time. I am sure the majority are about all the lockdowns. 

My Husband ordered me a book to read. It was delivered here on Friday, 10/17/14. I have been asking everyday for it. I have still yet to receive it (Today is 10/22). It’s supposed to be delivered the next day, just like our emails. So, I should have gotten it on Sunday at the latest. It’s frustrating because you are on lockdown like 90% of the day and books pass the time. Yet, you can’t get any books around here. When I asked about getting books, I was told the Chaplin comes around 2-3 times a week to rotate books throughout the housing units. I have yet to see these books. So, I figured they really don’t deliver them throughout the week, just on Saturdays. I saw the Chaplin collect two big bags of books out of the deputy’s storage closet. The Chaplin asked the deputy if they were done with the bags of books, the deputy said to "go ahead and take them, we don’t need them right now". Are you kidding me ?? They have had books for us the entire time and refused to put them out for us ! Everyone in this unit is dying to find a new book to read. We are like vultures when someone finishes a book. When I leave this unit, I will be donating all my books to this housing unit. A gift from Sisters for a Second Chance. 

So, after lunch today, my new bunkmate is talking my face off. She’s nice and all, but I want to tell her my name is not “homie”. She says “for reals homie” way too much. During her numerous stories, she proceeds to tell me that before she was locked up, she was homeless. So, she applied for public assistance and she gets $551 a month in food stamps and assistance, along with medi-cal, and that’s while she’s IN jail. So, she’s going to have $3000 just waiting for her when she gets out. I am thinking, are you serious ? Tax payers are paying for you to be in jail and your public assistance ? It didn’t seem right to me. Again, our system is really broken. I do feel for her, that money could be used to get back on track and start a new life. A second chance. But, I would not be surprised to see her back on the streets again and buying drugs. Our system needs a complete overhaul. Badly.

We had mail call and I received 5 emails. My Daughter, my Sister, my Husband, and two from my Dad. My roommate said “I’ll get them , they’re all for you”. Like always, I felt bad. I know I am very blessed. My roommate may have pissed me off with the toilet paper "sale", but she’s a decent bunkmate. She’s nice and has a good sense of humor. She shared her story with me tonight be fore bed. She tells me, for the entire time she’s been in here, she’s never received an email from her Mom and and I could tell that really hurt her. That’s so sad. She said her Dad died when she was three. She said he was a Crip and was shot to death. Her Mom was on the streets doing drugs and in a gang. Her Mom just never grew up and took care of her and her siblings. She’s been homeless and her younger sister is also serving time. She had her first baby at 16. He most recent Son was in foster care for 8 months before her Grandma came and got him to raise him while she’s in jail. I am listening to her and thinking, did she ever have a chance ? It’s so very sad and to think the streets and this life she leads is all she knows. Now, she’s just lost in this system. I hope she gets a second chance when she gets out of here. Hope she goes home to her Son and becomes the Mom hers never was. To be locked up and never taught the way to live a clean life seems like such a waste. We are sitting in here doing nothing. There has to be a way to break the chain. I hope one day I'll be able to make an impact on an inmate and help them re-direct their life. There has to be a way. 

Thanksgiving .... almost. A post from Husband.

We knew this would be a tough one. Thanksgiving. I do love Thanksgiving though. Supposed to really let you know that winter is coming and Christmas craziness is about to really get going. As a family, we would run about to Family houses. Maybe a dinner here and run over there for dessert. Usually the dessert stop would be where my Wife and her Sister would make their strategic Black Friday attack plan. Spread out all the ads on the table and decide which stores to brave and at what time. Always very entertaining to watch. My Daughter joined that tradition a couple of years ago.
Now, my Sister in law and my Daughter keep the tradition going. Waiting for my Wife's return. The best part of their trip was once they returned, you got to hear the crazy stories. All hyped up from the battle and full of Starbucks coffee. So entertaining.
We were happy that Thanksgiving was on a day that she is available for visits. We (the kids and I) decided we would skip our Monday visit and use it for Thanksgiving. I had even asked the deputy last time we were there if they had visits on holidays and she said "If she has a visit normally on that day, then yes, of course. We never close". Well, I guess they changed their mind. Our visit was denied. Got up extra early Wednesday morning to schedule online. Kept getting the dreaded message.

I was starting to panic. Almost in tears. I needed to call to find out what was happening. But, can't call until 10am. I made it to 10am and called. Of all days, I get someone that does not want to help me or even want to be there. Ugh ! She finally told me that my Wife was not getting any visitors on Thanksgiving. I kept asking her why. She stumbled through whatever she was trying to make up. Lost cause. Bottom line, no visit. What the hell am I going to tell my kids ?  What am I going to tell my Wife ? 

I feel like I failed. I feel that way a lot. I told the kids. We were all sad, but we made it. My Wife ended up calling and I let her know. She figured there would be no visit. They were on facility lockdown last night. No problems, no nothing. Just understaffed. Scheduled deputies took the time off. I understand, it's Thanksgiving. Time for family. Time to share, time for traditions. God forbid the Mom's that are locked up in her housing see their families. Just another day at Las Colinas. Thanksgiving...almost. 

Day 29, Part 2 (10/29/14) Not on my watch !

I got my new roommate last night. She moved into my old bed in cell 27 when her current roommate got a 2 day lockdown. But, I guess she couldn’t get along with my old bunkmate. So, the deputy moved her in with me, actually right next door to cell 27. She’s been here a while and seems alright. She sleeps most of the day, so that’s alright by me. She told me her release date is November 24th. She has one last month to go. She’s been in this housing unit for 5 months. I can’t imagine, 5 months of lockdown hell ! I asked her why she was stuck in this housing unit. She said she had lots of write ups. (remember, this housing is a behavioral housing unit. I am here strictly because of overflow). She’s had 50 write ups, mostly for fighting. She’s been in and out of jail since she was 18 years old. She’s 23 now and this has been her longest stay. I’ll have to keep my eye on this one. 

Another new deputy again. She splits the time out. At least we’ll get the afternoon, so I can see the sun today and don’t have a straight 10 hour lockdown. Think about that. I am grateful to see the sun. I will never again take for granted these types of things. So simple, but when it's taken away, devestating. I have made it a month here, but I’m still not use to all the lockdown, don’t think I’ll ever be. 

We had the first evening shift, so I immediately called my family. Had a nice conversation. After my phone call, I head upstairs to get my pencils and I realize that all of our toilet paper is gone. So, I am pissed that someone came into our cell and stole it. Toilet around here is like gold, very valuable. You get one roll a day and have to turn in your empty roll to get a new roll. You can only get toilet paper during the day room time. So, if you run out, you’re screwed. Some of the deputies refuse to give it to you. Because they just don’t care. There was one night, two girls were out and they begged the deputy for a roll and she told them “no”. Then, her cellmate was on the toilet and she begged again. The deputy refused and I guess her cellmate had to do what she had to do, she used her sock. Of course that got stuck in the toilet and maintenance had to come out the next day. All over a roll of toilet paper. I was able to convince our deputy to give us a new roll, even though she did not want to. She could see there was no TP in our cell at all. So she did. Once I see my new roommate, I tell her how someone stole our TP, she proceeds to tell me she let someone borrow it because they had none. They told her they’d put the roll in front of our door when done. I am thinking to myself, are you kidding me ? Either you are lying or an idiot ! After talking to some of my “aquaintenances”, they laughed and said “bullshit, she sold your toilet paper ! “ I was not very happy. She just moved in, this is not a good first impression. I guess I need to realize where I am. I just don’t have that type of thinking. Hope I never do. In the meantime, I got the extra roll and hid it. This way she can’t sell it. I don’t have a problem kicking her ass to the curb ! There will be no selling toilet paper on my watch ! 

Day 29, Part 1 (10/21/14) Counting and refuse to be forgotten..

It’s been exactly 4 weeks since my arrival at this fine establishment. In the last 4 weeks, I have had 5 roommates, stayed in 3 different cells, read 7 books, had 4 inspections, 7 visits. I have made 48 phone calls, written over 40 letters, consumed 7 bananas, I have spent $240 on phone time, been through 2 facility lockdowns, bought 20 stamped envelopes, and 8 postcards. I have made 15 inmate requests, received 62 emails, and have spent 556 hours in lockdown (out of 696 total hours). 

It’s been a long and difficult month. But, I made it ! I have had a roller coaster ride of emotions over the last 4 weeks. Highs, lows, extreme lows, sadness, anger, hopelessness, loneliness, guilt, and desperation. But, in the end, I made it. I was able to push through it all. All thanks to my wonderful family. Their love and support along the way is amazing and every time I was down, they were always there to pick me up. 

I am also thankful for the 5 roommates I’ve had so far on this journey. They have each touched me in their own way and I will never forget any of them. Each one always had compassion and support for me whenever I was down. Though they had their flaws, quirks, and drove me crazy sometimes, they are good women deep down inside. Like myself, who made a mistake, they deserve a second chance. I hope that when they leave here, they will find that second chance and turn their lives around. I wish them the best, they deserve it. 

I have found this new inner strength and I am keeping it together more. Starting to feel good inside again. I refuse to be lost in the system and forgotten. I refuse to let this bring me down. I know I have so much to offer and my family is counting on me. So, I am determined to stay focused and strong through all this. Before I was sentenced. I bought myself this inspirational card to send myself while I was locked up. My Husband emailed it to me and I read it every morning to give me the strength to make it yet another day.

A New Start

The page once written has been read, the chapter closed and done.

Time now to leave behind regret and walk out towards the Sun.

It rises to another day, that’s brighter than the last.

Leave all bitterness behind, you have divorced the past. 

Be positive about your life, the changes you’ve been through.

In turn you’ll come to recognize, you’ve found the stronger you. 

A letter from Mom...

"I miss you all so very much. I think of you always and and I am so very sorry that you even have to experience this. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the poor choices I made and how they have affected you. Unfortunately, I cannot change the past. What's done is done. But, I can choose my my future and I promise you that there will be no more poor choices. I will be the best Mom and Wife I can be. That's all I ever wanted, is to love you and be super Mom. In the process, I stumbled and failed. But, I am picking myself up and dusting off the dirt and going forward I will be a better person, better Mom, better Wife, better Sister, better Daughter, and better Friend.
I can't wait to be home with you all. I miss us. I miss our family. We will all be together again soon. We will get through this sad, tough time, and will be closer and stronger than ever. You 3 mean the world to me. You're my world, my life, my strength. Your love and support get me through each day. I would do anything for you. I love you so very much. Always and forever. Please don't forget how much I love you all. Love Mom"

Day 28 (10/20/14)

Monday morning. I wake up to a quiet empty cell. No new roommate yet. It’s kind of nice to have some quiet time and the cell to yourself. I am just hoping roommate number 5 is a good one. I would really like some that’s in the same situation or similar situation as myself. Normal, a Mom, a good person just wanting to do their time and go home. No trouble, no problems, no issues, and please be sane ! 

I got a single email last night from my Husband. I needed it. I was really sad and lonely. I read it again this morning. He says he was talking to my Son and telling him how lucky he was to have met me. I am thinking it’s the other way around. I am the lucky one. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve someone as wonderful as him ? He has stayed by my side through all this and loves me so much. I am very lucky and can’t wait to get home. I am so ready for this chapter in my life to be over and a new chapter to begin.  

New deputy today. Had laundry first thing this morning. Got a clean uniform. I went down a size in my shirt. Must be a good sign. We had the AM shift out from 8-10:30am. It was really nice, but after lunch we were on lockdown until dark. We were out first shift last night, so tonight we won’t get out until 8:30pm. That’s 9.5 straight hours of lockdown, in a cell by myself. Still no new roommate. 

At lunch today, one of the girls told me what she uses to make dice. I am going to try to make them this afternoon. That should help pass the time. I am just about done with my last book. My other books haven’t arrived yet. I was dreading this afternoon, but I found someone with a book and she let me borrow it. What a life saver. Not sure how good it is, but I don’t care. 

Finished reading “The Best of Me” after dinner. What an excellent book. The story was amazing. I am passing it on to my neighbor. I have been sharing books with her. She loves Nicholas Sparks, so she’s super excited to read it. I hope some books arrive soon, I’m running out of things to read. I didn’t even get to read the newspaper this morning. First thing this morning, some selfish bitch takes it and puts it in their cell. It’s supposed to be shared. I don’t know why they steal it. 95% of the women in here just want to read their horoscope. Only a few of us actually read the paper and care what’s going on in the world. Unless my horoscope says I’m going home, I don’t care ! 

I was successful on my dice making. It was actually fun. Crafts relax me. Now, I’m trying to figure out what else I can make and create in here. The supplies are limited, but nothing is impossible. 

I made it through the long lockdown, stayed strong, and powered through the day. Still no new roommate. We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Emails for my Wife, words to help survive...

I'll be thinking about you ALL day and the minutes within the day ! You see, I never leave you Babe. I'm always there. I'm always loving you. I never stop. I never give up. You helped me become what I have become. Strong. I love you so much. Here I am, with you, all the time. Love S...