Day 23 (10/15/14, Thursday) Hope and Ideas...

I woke up today and got my medical clearance. Step two of becoming an inmate worker.  I passed with flying colors. So now, I just wait. Could be as soon as this week. I sure hope it works out. I really need to be doing something. I can’t stand all the sitting and laying around. I want to be productive and I know I will be one of the best, if not the best worker this place has ever had ! This place could definitely not only use my skills and talents, but my work ethic. Best case scenario, I am out of this housing unit by Monday. 

I am trying to not get my hopes up too high. I want to stay positive and confident. But, I also don’t want to be devastated if it doesn’t happen. I am really striving to be positive and hopeful. I need to try and not let myself get those extreme lows anymore. I want to stay consistently strong everyday. As far as today goes, I am succeeding. I know I can do this. I know I can ! 

I made it today. I stayed strong and made it through the day. It feels good. I just need to keep it going everyday. I finished another book tonight and right before bed we got mail delivery. To my surprise, I got a new book ! What perfect timing. My Mother-in-Law is amazing ! I can’t thank her enough. She is keeping my book collection going ! It’s helping pass the time. I have been sharing my books with the other inmates as well. So, a BIG thank you to my wonderful  Mother-in-Law. These books will be the first donations for the book drive I am going to have. I am going to donate all of them to women’s jails and prisons in CA. So, others can help the time pass with some really good books. I am thinking about putting some inspirational words in the front of the book along with Sisters for a Second Chance website info. I am gong to get working on this now, so I can make it happen when I get out of here. I know my wonderful Sisters will help me. I am so fortunate to have such a supportive and loving family. I can’t wait until I am with them again. 

Happy Anniversary ! 11/07/14 (husband)

I skipped to today's date. 11/07. Today is our wedding anniversary. 16 years. Been great times , tough times, sad times, memorable times. Never in my craziest dreams did I think I would be spending this day looking through a video machine with a 3 second delay. But, I am thankful that I get to see my wife. But, this place is a nightmare to visit . Hopefully , this time, I won't have to scrub the gum off the mouthpiece on the phone. Jesus, I hope we start in time with no issues. We will talk, we will laugh, and I'm sure we will cry. But, I am am here and we will enjoy each other. This nightmare won't be forever. Happy Anniversary ! I love you beautiful.

Day 22 (10/14/14) Let love lift me higher...

Last night was rough. I was in a very bad place and super down. My roommate had a breakdown too and was really upset. This place will do that to you. You have no control on your life on the outside. So you feel helpless. You are locked down for 20+ hours and you feel trapped and powerless. Time passes so slow, the days, the hours , the minutes just drag on and there seems to be no end to the pain and hurt you feel. There is nothing you can do to change your current situation. You’re trapped and then the hopelessness sets in and the loneliness builds up and you just want to give up. 

It was a rough night for me because we had a different deputy, so the idea of getting out for 3 hours again was gone and immediately the anxiety set in. Knowing I am only going to get one hour just kills me. It’s my own fault. I set myself up for disappointment. I should have known it was a one time thing and to expect the same amount of time again was a recipe for disaster for me. Then I got my emails. My Sister did a bunch of research for me and I am super thankful for it. It was informative, but not promising on assisting me to get home to my family. Then the email from my Daughter just killed me. She is struggling and having a hard time now. She feels alone with no one to talk to or just be there for her . I am gone and she wishes I was there for her. My Daughter desperately needs me and I am not there for her, I feel awful. She is holding everything inside and it’s not healthy. She needs help, but doesn’t want it. The anguish I feel right now is unbearable. I want so desperately to be there for my Daughter and I can’t. This is so hard. I cry myself to sleep, praying that tomorrow is a better day for my Daughter. I pray that in the end, my Husband, Daughter, and Son make it through all this. I hope they know how much I love and miss them. 

I wake up today not feeling great. But, I have two choices. I can drown in my tears and give up or I can stand up, be strong, and power through this day. I chose option two. I got up and I am powering through the day. I wouldn’t say I am happy or feeling good, but I can say that I am not giving up. I am fighting to be strong for my Daughter. If I don’t want her to give up, then I can’t give up. So, I am going to be strong and we are going to make it through this together. My family needs me and I need them. I just have to try and be there for them as much as possible while I’m away. I was pretty numb most of the day, but as the day progressed, I got better. Then I got my emails. My motivation to keep going got stronger. I am moving upward and onward. Like my Dad said “Don’t count the days. make the days count” I know I can do this. I just need to dig deep. I have an incredible family counting and waiting on me to come home. I refuse to let this beat me. I will overcome this and continue to fight everyday. I know I have a lot to offer and so much to give. I can and will do this. I will be stronger and a better person in the end. 

Day 21 (10/13/14) What started out good, ended...

Monday morning I wake up to the popping of our cell doors. We have the AM shift. I am tired, but don’t hesitate to get up. I wash my face, brush my teeth, and head downstairs. It’s dead silent and not a soul around. I notice it’s my favorite deputy (she splits am and pm time with both tiers). She turns the tv on for me and hands me the newspaper. It’s just me, I love it ! I got 10 minutes of the dayroom all to myself. Watching the news and reading the paper. It was almost normal for a brief second. I enjoyed my morning. I also received my application to be a worker. So, the next step is medical clearance. I hope step two is soon and I can be working before the end of the month. 

So, two girls decided to have a little squabble this morning about who cleans the room and takes the trash out. It was super lame, but so serious to them. I just can’t comprehend the petty bullshit fighting that goes on here. They ended up switching cells and are no longer cellmates. Like I said before, it’s like junior high school. One day you’re my best friend, next day you’re my enemy. I just ignore it and don’t get involved in any of these teenage games around here. 

Time for laundry, thank goodness ! 

I did good today. Stayed busy, stayed positive, and for my Husband and kids, I stayed strong. I am feeling better. Just trying to power through the day and keep my head up. 

I surprised my husband this afternoon with a call on his way home from work. I guess he really needed it. He said the drive home from work is the hardest and he was so happy to hear from me. He got choked up and had some tears and that made me cry. I told him I had made it all day without crying until now. I guess it was a rough night for everyone, my Daughter, my Son, and Husband. My Husband blames himself, seeing the kids upset just kills him inside and when they need me the most, I’m not there. I feel terrible. I want to be there for my kids and my Husband. I feel so guilty when I know they are hurting so bad and I can’t fix it. I feel so helpless. I mean, I’m sitting in here for 20+ hours doing nothing, while my family is out their struggling. There is nothing I can do to help them. The hardest part is being there for my kids. I don’t want them to hurt. I want to protect them from the pain. It kills me to know they hurt so bad. They are both very special and wonderful. I don’t want them to lose that spark inside. I want to give them each a big hug right now and tell them it’s going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.

The day started out good and promising, but ended terrible. I just want it to end. I was ready two months ago for the pain to be gone and peace to set in. But, it didn’t happen and I’m wishing it did right now. There is no point to my existence. All I have done and continue to do is bring pain to my family. At this point I don’t care about second chances. I don’t deserve one or want one. I just want my family to be happy again. To be able to move forward with their lives without the constant pain and torment I have caused them and continue to cause them. I have destroyed my Husband’s and children's lives. I am so stupid, why didn’t I fight harder ? I quit, I gave up, I settled. I never settle. I never give in, and I just laid down and died without a fight. By doing so, I destroyed my family with that decision. How did I let this happen ?!

Husband: I wanted to write a quick response to her words. My Wife was suffering from severe depression when she “took” a deal from the District Attorney. Depending on who you talk to, it was and was not the right thing to do. She had enough, she had given up on life at that point. My kids and I love her more than anything and we are not destroyed. Yes, it hurts like hell, but we will make it. 

Day 20 (10/12/14) Almost Normal..

Sunday morning inspection time. The deputy on duty today took 2 hours (8-10am) to do cell inspection. So no dayroom time, just 15 minutes outside while she inspected our cells and inputted the information into the computer. It was nice to be outside, it felt good to feel and breathe the fresh air. I don’t get much time outside. Here is a description of our “outside”: a slag of cement, surrounded by solid brick walls with a fence over the top for the air and sun to come through. There are no windows or openings to see through. The only outside you can see is if you look up and see the sky through the fence. There isn’t even room to walk. You’re stuck in your cell for 20-21 hours a day and then nowhere to go and walk when you do get out. My legs and butt are tired of sitting ! 

Almost afternoon time and I am looking forward to my call with my Sister. 

Had a great talk with my Sister. She didn’t get to talk much , I think I talked her face off. 

I got to watch part of the Charger game too. It was a nice afternoon. 

After dinner I played cards with my roommate. I kicked her ass at rummy ! We are getting along better now. She can still be very loud, obnoxious, and annoying, but I am managing it and keeping her in line. We have a good system going now, so I think we can make it the rest of the month. 

The evening was the best night ever ! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. We have a new deputy and at 6:45pm, I hear the sound of all the cell doors unlocking. Is this a dream ? Nope, it’s real ! We got 3 hours of dayroom time and we made it without one incident ! It was the best evening ! I got to call my family, I watched tv, I even had time to walk laps in the dayroom for a full 30 minutes ! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself ! We had so much time ! I hope this deputy is on shift in our housing unit all week ! 

Day 19 (10/11/14) Happy Birthday Son

Happy Birthday Son ! Today my baby lion cub turns 12 years old. I am trying to be strong today, because it’s so hard to be away from him on his birthday. It makes me so sad. But, at least he got the birthday card I made him in the mail last night and he loved it. I am looking forward to my visit with him tonight at 7pm. I can’t wait. 

Slept in until 8am. No inspection today because we are in lockdown again. I’m not sure if it’s a facility lockdown or just our deputy. This deputy is known to keep us on lockdown for the majority of the day. It amazes me that each deputy is different in their actions. Each deputy has the “power” to keep us in our cells for as long as they want. No structure or schedule. I hope the lockdown ends, I don’t want to miss my visit with my Husband and Son. I am just going to focus on getting through the day and see what happens. That way I won’t get upset and anxious. 

My wonderful cellmate is up and complaining she could hear me writing and that I woke her up ! Really !? I have been up for over an hour while she slept. I got cleaned up, cleaned the cell, did my exercises, all while she slept. I am one of the quietest and most respectful people in this unit ! She needs to calm down. I really just want to go home ! 

For someone who complains that my writing was disturbing her, she now is talking loudly about her case and wants me to listen. You just got an amazing deal, shut up and drop it ! She is going on and on about denying her deal and getting the charges dropped all together and suing Food-4-Less in civil court. She is going to be rolling in the money ! So she claims. She is delusional. But, I just ignore her and let her ramble on. There’s no helping this one. 

Lockdown came to end this afternoon, so we got out for an hour before dinner. Something is better than nothing, so I’m not complaining. Now, I am guaranteed my visit tonight ! Well, better not say guaranteed ! 

Mama J asked me to see if my bunkmate would switch cells with her, so we can be roommates again. I tried, but this one does not want to leave. Too bad, because I would love the switch. 

I hounded the deputy about my visit tonight. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t late. It worked ! Right on time at 7 ! I got to see my boys ! The visit was awesome ! I am so glad I got to see my baby on his birthday ! Sounds like he had an amazing day with all the family. That makes me so happy he had a great day. 

My Saturday was complete. I had the perfect date night with my boys. I love my Husband and Son so much. Now I am counting down until Wednesday when I get a visit from my Daughter. The best 60 minutes of my week are my 2 visits. 

Got lots of mail tonight. I am reading all my mail before bed tonight. I love all the mail I get. It makes me feel closer to my family. It reminds me I have hope and something to come home to. I received emails from my incredible Sisters and my amazing Husband. I can go to sleep with a huge smile and a happy heart. 

It doesn't get easier, you get stronger..(Husband Perspective)

Another day passes. I've been learning to handle things better. I have a pretty good routine now. By myself. I feel lucky to at least hear my Wife's voice daily. I know that will be changing shortly. Once she's moved to receiving, I heard that can be a while before we hear from her. Some days, when I'm alone, it will hit me like a ton of bricks. I wonder how the hell am I going to do this. I may even breakdown for a while, but I always get back up. It's definitely not easier, just getting stronger.
It's hardest when I'm at the kids games. Softball, soccer, basketball. Everyone knows my Wife, none of them know what has happend. Yet. I have been asked where she is and I know the kids have been asked too. "Oh she had to work, she's out of town, she didn't want to come". Sometimes you wish you could just say it, but no way I would risk anything being said to my kids. So, we'll just keep with the standard responses. I know it's got to bother my kids to look around and know Mom's not there. She was always there. She was the perfect sports Mom. Always involved. On snack days, no one better ! I just did my first snack day for my Son's soccer team. Did pretty good, but man did I miss my Wife. But, I knew she would be so proud of me.
Family continues to be strong. Everyone seems to have a role. Some more than others, but that's just how it is. I am happy and thankful for whatever or how much support is given. There are so many people incarcerated that have nothing or no one. When I checked in for a video visit with my Wife, I saw a young woman crouched down on the street corner looking scared and cold. She had just gotten out. She had nothing. There has got to be a way to help these women. Otherwise, you know where she'll end up. I am so sure once my Wife gets out, she will try to make a difference and I'll be there right by her side to help her.