A letter from Mom...

"I miss you all so very much. I think of you always and and I am so very sorry that you even have to experience this. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the poor choices I made and how they have affected you. Unfortunately, I cannot change the past. What's done is done. But, I can choose my my future and I promise you that there will be no more poor choices. I will be the best Mom and Wife I can be. That's all I ever wanted, is to love you and be super Mom. In the process, I stumbled and failed. But, I am picking myself up and dusting off the dirt and going forward I will be a better person, better Mom, better Wife, better Sister, better Daughter, and better Friend.
I can't wait to be home with you all. I miss us. I miss our family. We will all be together again soon. We will get through this sad, tough time, and will be closer and stronger than ever. You 3 mean the world to me. You're my world, my life, my strength. Your love and support get me through each day. I would do anything for you. I love you so very much. Always and forever. Please don't forget how much I love you all. Love Mom"

Day 28 (10/20/14)

Monday morning. I wake up to a quiet empty cell. No new roommate yet. It’s kind of nice to have some quiet time and the cell to yourself. I am just hoping roommate number 5 is a good one. I would really like some that’s in the same situation or similar situation as myself. Normal, a Mom, a good person just wanting to do their time and go home. No trouble, no problems, no issues, and please be sane ! 

I got a single email last night from my Husband. I needed it. I was really sad and lonely. I read it again this morning. He says he was talking to my Son and telling him how lucky he was to have met me. I am thinking it’s the other way around. I am the lucky one. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve someone as wonderful as him ? He has stayed by my side through all this and loves me so much. I am very lucky and can’t wait to get home. I am so ready for this chapter in my life to be over and a new chapter to begin.  

New deputy today. Had laundry first thing this morning. Got a clean uniform. I went down a size in my shirt. Must be a good sign. We had the AM shift out from 8-10:30am. It was really nice, but after lunch we were on lockdown until dark. We were out first shift last night, so tonight we won’t get out until 8:30pm. That’s 9.5 straight hours of lockdown, in a cell by myself. Still no new roommate. 

At lunch today, one of the girls told me what she uses to make dice. I am going to try to make them this afternoon. That should help pass the time. I am just about done with my last book. My other books haven’t arrived yet. I was dreading this afternoon, but I found someone with a book and she let me borrow it. What a life saver. Not sure how good it is, but I don’t care. 

Finished reading “The Best of Me” after dinner. What an excellent book. The story was amazing. I am passing it on to my neighbor. I have been sharing books with her. She loves Nicholas Sparks, so she’s super excited to read it. I hope some books arrive soon, I’m running out of things to read. I didn’t even get to read the newspaper this morning. First thing this morning, some selfish bitch takes it and puts it in their cell. It’s supposed to be shared. I don’t know why they steal it. 95% of the women in here just want to read their horoscope. Only a few of us actually read the paper and care what’s going on in the world. Unless my horoscope says I’m going home, I don’t care ! 

I was successful on my dice making. It was actually fun. Crafts relax me. Now, I’m trying to figure out what else I can make and create in here. The supplies are limited, but nothing is impossible. 

I made it through the long lockdown, stayed strong, and powered through the day. Still no new roommate. We will see what tomorrow brings. 

Emails for my Wife, words to help survive...

I'll be thinking about you ALL day and the minutes within the day ! You see, I never leave you Babe. I'm always there. I'm always loving you. I never stop. I never give up. You helped me become what I have become. Strong. I love you so much. Here I am, with you, all the time. Love S... 

Day 27 (10/19/14) 535 Hours ...

It’s Sunday. Let’s go Chargers ! I miss watching football. Really wish I could be home watching football with my Husband. We sure had a lot of fun over the years watching the Chargers. I sure miss it.

We have a corporal on duty today (higher ranking than the deputies). I am sure everyone will be on their best behavior. She split the morning and afternoon time between both tiers. So, an hour and a half each time. These are the days I like the best. Makes it easier when you get out in the AM and PM. Top tier got the second shift, so I got to watch the second half of the Charger game. There was 1:47 left in the game and I hear “Times up Ladies, head back in”. What a bummer. So, I missed the end of the game. Don’t even know who won. 

The top tier has been getting very calm and peaceful lately. I think it’s because the majority of the trouble makers are downstairs now. 

I am looking forward to our 3 hours out tonight. Hope all goes well. It would be nice if we could get all 3 hours more often. We are supposed to have dayroom time from 7-10am, 1-4pm, and 7-10pm daily. That’s 9 hours out a day. Only 15 hours of lockdown a day. It sure would make my days easier if we got the full time. I sure wish I could be doing something productive, but I’ll take whatever I can get. I just want the 20-21 hours of lockdown to end. I did the math, for the last 26 days (624 hours), we have been in lockdown 535 hours and out of our cells for 84 hours. We average about 3 hours a day. 4 hours is a great day and 2 hours is a bad day. When you look at it like that, it’s crazy. I am shocked at the numbers. I wonder why it has to be that way ? Mental punishment ? Trying to teach us a lesson ? Make us “programmable” ? Not sure how that’s going to work. 

Of course we didn’t get the full 3 hours as promised. Deputy changed her mind. We got an hour and a half. There were a lot of complaints and grumbles. I think I even heard the threat of a grievance. But, no trouble. Everyone just went back to their cells disappointed. Once I got back to my cell, my roommate, who had been waiting all weekend to get bailed out, finally made bail and was going home. She was so happy. She hated the lockdowns. She was starving. Didn’t eat anything. She gave me a hug before she left and then she was gone. Another acquaintance. I have the cell to myself tonight. It’s kind of sad and lonely. I am really missing my family right now. I miss and love my Husband and kids so much. 

Day 26 (10/18/14) Same old....

It’s Saturday Morning. Saturdays mean the weekend for most people, but in here, it’s just another day. All the days are the same. Really, the only days to really care about are laundry day, commissary, and what’s on the menu for that day. Thursdays are chocolate cake with dinner day (only day I east dessert) and Sunday's breakfast is scrambled eggs with chirizo (the only breakfast I eat and look forward to). 

No inspection today, so that means inspection tomorrow. We got off easy because I don’t think this deputy will be back. Too bad, I really liked her. 

I had an amazing visit with my Husband and Son last night. I actually laughed and had a good time with my Son. He showed off his new shoes he bought with his birthday money. Really cool black high tops ! We laughed our butts off at a funny story I shared with him. He did some tricks for me wit his new Kendama (wood toy with a wooden ball attached to a string). It was a really good time. I love seeing my boys. My visits always put me in a good place.  This week started really rough on Monday, but everyday there after got better and I kept my head up. 

I got a trip to medical today. I had a mandatory psych evaluation to make sure I was doing ok. I got to leave, not only my cell, but the housing unit ! I got a wonderful stroll outside. It felt great to be walking around outside. I need to go to medical more often ! You get to sit in a nice, peaceful, open waiting room with a TV. Medical was a treat from the nightmare I live in. When I talked to the doctor, I told her I was fine, that lockdown was hard, but I was fine. Mental Health Housing is one man cells, 24 hour lockdown. NO thank you ! I am just fine with my 20+ hours a day lockdown. No medical assistance needed here ! I also turned down meds that they seemed eager to pass out. Sure, I would like something to help me just sleep away the time, but I want to be the same person I was when I get out of here. My Husband and kids need the same Wife and Mom that said goodbye to them on 9/23 to come back home. Not some doped up zombie, so I will fight everyday on my own not to get wrapped up in that world. I promised my family I will come back the same woman but even stronger. My only regret leaving medical was not asking about moving housing units for medical reasons. Might have to consider that next time. 

Before dinner, I asked the deputy about becoming an inmate worker. I would have been picked and working already, but because I am a DOC (Dept. of Corrections) Transfer, I am not eligible. Transfer means that I am basically on hold there, then I’ll go to receiving, then off to a work camp or State Prison. Anyway, I thanked the deputy and walked away quickly so I didn't cry. I figured that was going to happen, but I had to give it a try and give it everything I had. I am really out of options. I am stuck here, in this unit until I am transferred. I am not sure if I can do two more months of this. It’s pure torture. I am really going to think about what to do next. I am proud of myself, the news was disappointing and I did cry, but I let it pass and moved on. I didn’t let the news devastate me or get me too depressed. So, I am definitely moving in the right direction and staying strong. That’s all I can so, just keep staying strong. 

This evening, there was a new Stephen King movie on Lifetime called “Big Driver” they have been advertising for weeks. Well, everyone wanted to watch it, but we always have to split the night. So, that’s 30 minutes each for each tier and the movie is 2 hours. The bottom tier got the first shift. I was glad because the movie started at 8pm, so we would get to see the majority of it. But, the girls downstairs convinced the deputy to let us all watch the entire movie. The deputy announced we are watching a movie, if there were any problems, we were all on lockdown the rest of the week. She’s here, but if we do well and behave, we can all be out for the full three hours tomorrow. I am hoping no one blows it !

Well, there’s always one bad apple in the bunch. First she was irritated because the bottom tier got an extra hour, so she’s popping off about that. Sure it sucks, but be grateful for what we do get. Most of the deputies don’t even give us a chance.  Nor do they give us more than an hour. This is a great opportunity. The girl goes outside, while the majority of us are now enjoying the movie. Well, the same girl ends up at the window. She says she was just messing around, but the deputy told her to get away from the window. There’s no communicating to other inmates in other housing units. That’s a really big no no here. The deputy only warned her to get away from the window and don’t attempt to communicate to the other inmates in the housing across the way. All she had to do was walk away, but no, she gets all mouthy and dis-respectful. She is popping off about how she wasn’t trying to communicate with anyone. Blah, blah, blah. I am dying inside. I want to yell at her and say “Shut the hell up ! You’re going to screw this up for all of us. You may not care, but I do !” She didn’t need to run her mouth like that, with her nasty bad attitude. The deputy only sent her to her cell. Lockdown ! Dumb mistake ! The rest of the night was quiet and enjoyable. The best part was when the deputy not only wrote her up, but also moved her downstairs for a 2 day lockdown. Serves her right. Will they ever lean to just shut up and do what your told ?  

Day 25 (10/17/14) A better way...

We have a new deputy this morning and she splits the time. Hour and a half in the morning and the afternoon. Happy Friday ! Hope today is a good day. Morning was fine. Our deputy is very strict, but I like it. She keeps everyone in line, The deputies that let stuff slide, allow the girls to run loose and it’s chaotic. With this deputy, you can actually here the tv because everyone is behaving. 

Of course after lunch. one of the three cleaning spray bottles is missing. So, until it shows up, we won’t get any dayroom time this afternoon. Re-reading what I’ve been writing, sure does sound like junior high, almost elementary school. Anyway, that bottle better show up. I know it’s downstairs. Because, all three were there when the top tier went in. There is definitely cause for concern, because I guess they caught someone drinking the cleaning stuff ! What the heck is wrong with people ?! Well, obviously there was a mental issue there. But, I really wish these women would just follow the rules here. I am surrounded by women that just don’t care about anyone or themselves. No respect at all. That damn bottle better show up ! They have cameras here. It should show up on video. It’s upsetting to be lumped and generalized all together. We are all not the same. We all didn’t commit the same crime. Everyone has different circumstances and none of that is taken in to consideration There are those of us who will not become repeat offenders. There are those of us who do care and want to get back to our families. Just be a contributing member of society again.There are those who do have drug / alcohol problems or mental health issues that need help and treatment. The system pushes us through like cattle instead of looking at each individual and assessing them accordingly. Those of us who do care, want to accept our consequences and do what's right, should not be with those who are repeat offenders and do not want to change or get help. I have already seen and have had bunkmates that talk about how to manipulate the system. I have no doubt that those inmates will repeat and be back here. I believe in second chances, but for only those who really want it and will take advantage of it. The sentencing and punishment are the same. The system just generalizes all criminals together. Not looking at each individual and their circumstance. I’m not saying people should not be punished, but you can’t lump them all together and give them set sentences. The punishment should fit the crime and the person. Again, why put a tax payer in prison for a non-violent, first time offense ? You just cost the tax payers double. Loss of taxes being paid and having to pay for them to sit in prison ($62k / yr in CA). I am sure the money could be spent on improving schools, parks, streets. The prisons should be used for the violent crimes and repeat offenders. There needs to be more rehabilitation programs, work furlough, and work camps, etc for non-violent crimes. Punish them so they don’t commit the crime again. But don’t punish the tax payers and the families in the process. The District Attorney doesn’t care, they just want a conviction. When the sentence is given, the family is also serving the sentence. Again, they need to look at each circumstance before continuing to overcrowd the jails and prisons. It’s very traumatic for the families left behind. They are the ones that are ALWAYS overlooked. I think families should be taken into consideration too. When sentenced, a family is separated, children left without a parent, an income gone, financial hardship, a spouse left behind. It’s devastating. Yet again, putting the burden on the tax payers. The loss of income leads most families to public assistance. The cost to tax payers is alarming. As a tax payer, I want my taxes to go to the schools my kids attend, the streets I drive on, the libraries and parks I go to. Not housing more inmates and funding more welfare. Especially, when it can be prevented by other alternative punishments and programs. 

Spray battle was found ! We got our afternoon dayroom time ! This deputy is not to be messed with. You are crazy if you can think you can sneak something by her. We are not allowed to take any food, from any of our meals into our cells. At lunch today, one of the girls brought down her trash and emptied it and proceeded to fill up with everyone’s leftover lunch. Meat, cheese, bread fruit, milk, mayo, and cookies. The trash bag was completely full. She thinks she can take it all up like an empty trash bag. Well, today, the deputy came up and unlocked our doors individually after giving us one warning to not have food in our cells. The deputy caught her. She was busted. She got a huge write up. She had to move to the bottom tier. The sergeant came and talked to her and she is now on lockdown for a few days. She also lost her shot at becoming an inmate worker. Just not worth it at all. I am enjoying this deputy kicking ass and taking names, It’s nice, this housing unit needs a reality check and guess what ? She’s (deputy) back tomorrow ! 

Day 24 (10/16/14) Moving on...

5am. Today started like any other day. I woke up up, got washed, cleaned up the cell, made my bed, started reading, and doing a little writing. Bottom tier got the AM shift, so I am preparing for my day of lockdown. We won’t get out until 1 or 2 this afternoon. I really don’t like the AM or PM only, but, it is what it is. We have this particular deputy a lot. It’s frustrating, she gives us so little time out of lockdown. She works a 12 hour shift and in the 12 hours, she interacts with us 3-4 hours (2 hours per tier, if that). It’s almost a little out of hand. What is she doing the other 8-9 hours ? We are supposed to get out 3 hours in the AM and 3 hours in the PM. Today we got 1 hour in the afternoon and had lunch in our cells. I keep praying everyday for that call “B**** roll up, you’re moving”. That call came today, this morning the deputy called our cell and told me to “roll up”. I thought “oh my gosh, I get to work !”. Then I clarified with her that I was only moving cells again. Why ? I have to move again. At first, I got scared. Was I moving to to cell 19 ? Cell 19 is the crazy cell. That is where the real crazies have been. They have a lot of problems with the people in that cell and just the other night, they were going to switch up an inmate with cell 19 and she begged the deputy, she told her “I will roll up because you gave me a direct order, but I will go to lockdown before going to cell 19. She got to stay. They ended up just moving one of the girls in 10 out of this unit. For safety reasons, they should not be here. They should be in the one man cells in mental health. I asked the deputy if I was staying on the top tier, she said yes. I asked what cell ? She responds with “you’ll see”. WTF ! I start packing my stuff up and my bunkmate freaks out. She’s crying, she’s yelling, she is begging the deputy “Please, please don’t move her !!” Deputy responds “Why ?” My bunkmate says “Because she’s a good person, I don’t want anyone else ! Please deputy, let her stay. I promise to be good. I won’t give you any trouble. Let her stay”. Oh my gosh, it was so sad. She started making me cry.  It’s true, we were comfortable. She was my rummy partner. We had our routine and it was good. She ended up being the best roommate I’ve had so far. She had her moments, but she wasn’t a bad person. I am going to miss playing cards and I will always be thankful for all the information and advice she gave me on prison. I hope she gets out of here soon and gets her life turned around. With all the begging and crying, the deputy sent the sergeant up here to move me. I was moving next door to cell 26. When they opened it up, no one was in there. The previous 2 girls were gone. I had the cell to myself. At first I panicked. I thought they picked the new workers and I didn’t get picked. So, I got upset. But when I went downstairs for toilet paper, the deputy talked to me. She said that I was “normal” and that I needed to get away from my roommate. She said my roommate was out of control and not right. So, I did feel better after the explanation. The two girls that were in this cell were transferred to county parole. So, I was ok for the moment. The deputy promised to give me a normal roommate, but we’ll see about that. For now, I will enjoy the cell to myself. First thing I did was clean the heck out of this cell before I unpacked. This place was filthy. But, when I was done, it was spotless. The only thing left to do, was sweep and mop. I finally unpacked, did my cell exercises, and read. Now, I will just wait and see what the rest of the day brings me. Like I have a choice. 

It was a rough day. Only got out for one hour, from 2:30pm - 3:30pm. Then got 5 minutes to get dinner and bring it back to our cells to eat. I absolutely hate lockdown. But, I pushed through the day and made it without getting too down. My Husband tells me he’s always worried about me. He says he’s scared that I’ll succumb to the cruelty of lockdown. The 2 hours of time I get out of my cell. The “no structure” and never knowing when you get out of the cell. I think he has some good points. But, I know I’ll make it. 

I got a new roommate. She’s young. She is “normal”, no mental illness. Must be another victim of the overflow here. She’s quiet and I am now glad to be in this new cell. It was only a matter of time before my old roommate would have gotten me a write up or lockdown. 

I got mail tonight ! The photopostcards my husband ordered me arrived ! So, now I have pictures of my family. It was so nice nice to receive them, now I can see their smiling faces everyday ! Along with the postcards, I got another wonderful email from my Husband. He really is so amazing and then of course an email from my Dad with more jokes. They are really good and make me laugh. I wonder what the deputies think when they read them ? My family is definitely keep the deputies busy every night with  all the mail !