Day 94 (12/25/14) WE will make a difference

Merry Christmas from Las Colinas Women’s Detention Facility. 

I woke up to the cell doors popping open this morning. I jumped up, got ready, and ran downstairs to call my family. It was good to hear their voices on Christmas morning. I’m thankful for the call. Today was like any other day, nothing special. The dorm did get a gift today, “Charmed” was not on TV ! Thank you Santa ! There was a full Catholic Mass this morning at the outside amphitheater and for dinner we got roast beef with marble cake and vanilla ice cream. The girls in mu housing unit had a Christmas party. They made food for the entire unit and did a secret Santa gift exchange. The food was really good. It’s amazing how creative you can get in jail with limited resources. Miss Miserable tried to ruin the party, but the girls made it happen. I spent my lockdown playing 3 hours of rummy, before reading and going to bed. Our night deputy let us make a phone call home and I got to talk to my family again and hear all about their day. It was a nice surprise. Before bed, I read my Husbands Christmas email:

“I am thankful to have such an awesome, supportive family. I am thankful, that even though my Wife’s away, she still finds a way to encourage me. I am thankful that my kids and I have a chance to see their Mom face to face before she leaves for receiving. 

I am thankful for the two deputies at the visitation that have been kind and helpful to us. I am thankful for my Wife’s first roommate that comforted her and prayed for her. I am thankful for the deputy that realized my Wife was in the wrong housing unit and made the effort to get her moved into the correct housing, resulting in contact visits. I am thankful that my Wife has remained safe in the first phase of her incarceration. I am thankful that I have met many people with the same views on incarceration reform. I am hopeful when my Wife gets home, WE can make a difference together” 

I couldn’t have said it better. I am thankful for my wonderful Husband. Merry Christmas, I love you. 

Day 93 (12/24/14) I was ready and said my goodbyes again.

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m still here. I did not get transferred to receiving (CCWF) last night. A little disappointed and frustrated this morning. I was ready. I was packed and said my goodbyes (again) to my family, just have to do it all again next week. 

It was a rough night. I didn’t go to sleep until after midnight and this morning was just as hard. I called my Husband to let him know I was still here. I was very upset. He helped me through it as usual. Once I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and thought of all the positives. Like getting two more visits with my Husband and kids. Getting to call my family on Christmas morning, spending lockdown with a good roommate, and reminding myself, it could always be worse. I know people here, I have good “acquaintances”, I’m comfortable, it’s only 7 more days until the next chance to leave. I can do this, it’s not that bad. But, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, what’s the next part of this going to be like ? Will it be like Las Colinas ? Receiving is the hardest part of this whole journey. The mix of all crimes and security levels. 

I got through the day, even though Miss Miserable is back working our unit the next two days. I hope I never see her again. Negativity is infectious and I don’t like to be around it. Then, to top off the night, we were on lockdown. They were short staffed, so it was lockdown. I wasn’t expecting it tonight.  I knew Christmas we would be on lockdown, but two nights in a row really sucks and my family is waiting for my phone call tonight. 

It was difficult, but I got through the night. I think of my Husband and kids whenever I’m down. They give me the strength to make it through another day. 

Christmas Eve was always the night my Husband and I would share our gifts with each other. So much love. Plus, that would free up Christmas morning for the kids. This is the first time in 17+ years we won’t have that. I can’t even describe the feeling and I don’t want to. This will be the last one ever we’ll be apart. 

Day 91 (12/22/14) Hoarding, Cheeking, and selling meds in Prison

It’s Monday, the start of a new week. The 24 hour lockdown for those that didn’t pass inspection is over. So, were back to 3 hours of the TV show “Charmed”. The newspaper has disappeared too. Another day at Las Colinas Women’s Detention. 

During an evening walk through by the Sergeant tonight, Butter gets caught with a bag full of medication. Hoarding, cheeking (pretending to swallow pills), and/or selling medication is a big no no. That rule is even on the welcome orientation video we have to watch regularly. She got caught with 30+ pills and it’s obvious she sells them for commissary items. I’m expecting to see a one day lockdown, maybe two for Butter. 

They end up not writing her up or even giving her lockdown. They throw her pills away and discontinue her medication. That’s all. I can’t believe it. It’s so irritating. She gets away with hoarding meds and I lose dayroom time because women can’t walk in a straight line and keep their mouths shut. I wish the deputies would just roll out the problems out of this dorm. 

I had an amazing night. I got to talk to a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to since I have been in here. She’s a true friend and it was great to talk to her. This situation does not change our friendship. Friends for life ! 

“Good Friends are hard to find and impossible to forget” 

Day 92 (12/23/14)

It’s Tuesday. The prison bus should be here tonight. The question is, will I be on it ? I hope I leave tonight. I’m ready to go and get on with it. I can’t keep saying goodbye to my family every week. It’s like ripping a bandaid off really really slow. I want to rip it off fast so it can start to heal. The sooner I get out of here the sooner I can get home. I am really anxious and jittery today. I want 10pm to get here, so I know if I’m leaving or not. 

Santa Claus came to Las Colinas today. We got to use the outdoor amphitheater and enjoy Santa, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, and 3 elves, play and sing Christmas carols. The head Chaplain put it together. It was a really nice event. It was a San Diego Christmas, 80 degrees outside. I enjoyed the sun and the music. Hopefully, it reminded the women of their families and gives hope to be home next year and to not come back. It certainly does to me. It hits you like a ton of bricks. I cannot believe it. What have I done to my family as they will be having Christmas without me. I’m just so sorry. My kids having Christmas without their Mom. My Husband having Christmas without me. I love and miss them so much.

Day 90 (12/21/14) 1680 hours on Lockdown

I have been here officially 90 days. In the last 13 weeks I have been in two housing units, 5 different cells with 7 different cell mates. I walked to the chow hall 103 times, ate 39 bananas, 11 pieces of chocolate cake. I’ve had 89 cheese sandwiches, and drank 178 milks. I’ve been through 13 inspections, 6 facility lockdowns. I’ve read 16 books, received 189 emails and 14 postcards. I’ve received 2 gift packs, had 27 visits (14 video / 13 contact). I’ve purchased 64 envelopes, 13 postcards, and have earned 8 late nights. 

From 9/23/14 through 12/21/14, I’ve spent 2178 hours here, 498 hours have been out of my cell and 1680 hours spent in lockdown. 

We had inspection again today. Up at 6am. Same deputy we had two weeks ago, so we knew what to expect. But still, 8 cells failed and went on 24 hours lockdown. They tell you ahead of time they are doing inspection. How can you fail ? 

It’s going to be a quiet night tonight tonight. The funny thing is, Butter got locked down. That means, no watching “Charmed” tomorrow morning or her taking over the newspaper. The little things we have to look forward to.

The deputy told us we were one point away from the entire housing unit failing and going on lockdown. How the hell is that possible ? She marked us down for the trash, the dayroom not being clean, and the showers being dirty. Are you kidding me ? The inmate workers come 2 times a day to take care of the common areas. For the past 5 days, she’s turned them away and then refuses to let us have the cleaning supplies to clean. So really ? We almost failed ? More like she was setting us up to fail. Everyone’s been complaining about it all week. This is our temporary home, give us the chance and we will keep it clean. At least most of us will. It’s very frustrating. I’me just glad we passed and we have a new deputy on shift tomorrow, and with some luck, today will be my last inspection. 

Today’s thoughts: Life has a plan. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is impossible, and miracles happen ! Lord, please give me the strength to keep believing this. 

Day 89 (12/20/14) She hadn't showered in 6 weeks

It’s Saturday. I always remind myself when I am down or feeling sad, that it could always be worse. I try and find the positive. Today might be one of those days. Our miserable deputy is not here today, that’s great. Then, I realize we have the deputy that put the entire housing unit next door on 48 hour lockdown. She’s not one to be messed with. I personally have nothing to worry about. It’s the 43 other women in this unit that I’m very concerned about. I guess when we were complaining yesterday, about our deputy, we should have reminded ourselves it could always be worse. I just want to get through the day without any incidents. We have an older lady here that doesn’t speak English and is a little crazy in our unit. She’s been here longer than I have and in the last 6 weeks, she has not showered or changed her clothes once. She fails inspection every week and it’s not very sanitary, yet the deputies don’t care. She stays in her cell, so they ignore her. But, every time we have to go to dinner, it’s a ordeal, because she smells really bad. Yesterday, the chow hall deputy put her at a table far away from everyone, all alone because it was so bad. It’s just like the head lice ordeal, you can’t just ignore it. There are health codes to follow and the risk of disease the jail and county are liable for. If anything, move her to a single man cell and into a non-movement dorm. She clearly has some mental issues. She’s not able to utilize any classes or programs offered. She’s taking up a bed and spot for someone that could benefit from them. It’s just ridiculous how much is avoided and ignored. It’s not good health and hygiene to allow such unsanitary behavior. Tonight at dinner, the chow hall deputy again tried to put the old lady at a table by herself. This time she got angry and refused. She was removed from the chow hall. I am hoping they remove her from the unit. In the old jail I guess, if you didn’t shower, they dumped water on you while in bed or when you got up to eat they would take your mattress and belongings  and throw them outside. The new jail, you can’t do anything about it, but talk to the deputy who usually just ignores the issue. I read the jails rules and regulations, there is nothing about personal hygiene. Only keeping your cell clean and the facility clean. 

They did remove her from our housing unit. I know poor hygiene can be a sign of mental illness. The woman was not all there, but you can’t just throw her in a cell, ignore her, and let her rot in her own filth. It’s not fair or right. 

We have a new inmate. Some of the women here call her “curb creature”. She’s dirty, rude, and has a loud mouth, and is always yelling at the deputies from her cell. If you can’t listen and be respectful, you should not be in this housing unit. There is a behavioral unit for that. I wonder what classification is thinking sometimes when they place these women. When I was sent here, the jail was over populated and I was sent to the behavioral unit because that’s the only space they had. Now, the jail has thinned out. So, classification has no excuses. I think this place is starting to really get to me.

Well, the evening was a good one. We got late night and were able to watch a movie without any arguments. Another day down. 

Day 88 (12/19/14) Reality of having a baby in Prison

It’s Friday, what a busy day today. First, one of the girls left today to have her baby. It’s exciting, but very sad at the same time. She’s going to give birth, then her Daughter will be taken away from her and after a day or two in the hospital, she’ll be back in jail. Not getting a chance to hold, love or bond with her baby. At least she has family to come get her baby, otherwise, Child Protective Services comes and it’s another innocent child lost in the system. There are Mother / Infant programs available. I don’t understand why it’s not mandatory that she and her baby go there after she gives birth. The girl is young. First time offender, non-violent. She’s a perfect candidate for a program while she bonds with her daughter. 

Today, Bri got some good news about her surgery for her brain tumor that the San Diego County Sheriff Department denied treatment for. Her Grandmother wrote and called District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis and Sheriff Bill Gore about her granddaughter’s situation. She bugged them until someone listened. Her granddaughter will be getting the surgery done and taken care of within the next 2 weeks. Guess they decided the surgery was cheaper then  a lawsuit and settlement. 

I officially hate the TV show “Charmed”. I have been in this housing unit for 6 weeks and every morning we have watched “Charmed”. 3 hours a day, Monday through Friday, it’s always “Charmed”. I thought it was just me, but I guess everyone hates “Charmed” too. We are all sick of watching it, with the exception of one person, Butter. She tried to tell us she only watches TV in the morning and that there is 6 hours of TV a day that we can watch and that we need to leave her alone about “Charmed”. I guess she tried to take over the TV in her last housing unit and got booted. Well, the uprising is about to begin !

Everyone is over our deputy. She is a real bitch to everyone. She refuses to give us the cleaning supplies. She sends the trustees, who are supposed to clean the day room and showers everyday, away. The showers are disgusting and the dayroom is filthy. We can’t clean it ourselves, let alone our cells because she does not want to be bothered to open the janitor closet. It’s just awful. Her negativity is such a downer. How are we supposed to pass the hygiene inspection if this deputy forces us to live in filth ? This is a brand new 270 million dollar facility paid for by the tax payers. It’s only 5 months old, don’t you think she owes it to the tax payers to try and keep the facility in decent condition ? She may not give a shit about the inmates, but don’t piss away taxpayers money because you’re a bitter bitch. Only 2 1/2 more days until  a new deputy. Monday can’t get here fast enough. 

Day 86 & 87 (12/17/14) "Be careful what you wish for"

Well, it’s Wednesday and I’m still here. No prison bus run last night. I am a little disappointed and upset. I was ready and prepared yesterday, had everything ready to go, said all my goodbyes, had all my letters written, and I’m here another week to do it all over again next Tuesday. To top it off, I woke up to a miserable deputy. We just had this deputy for 5 days, two weeks ago and she’s back for another 5 days this week. 

I’m out of visits this week because I used them on Sunday and Monday preparing for my transfer. How am I going to get through this week ? I am so ready to go to receiving (CCWF). I walked for an hour and a half this morning after I called my Husband and let him know I was still here. Hearing his voice and exercising helped me shake my negativity. I remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I think about all the positives. I get two more visits with my Husband and kids. I get to talk to them on the phone another week. I get to finish the book I was reading and I get to talk to a great friend on the phone before I get transferred. I know I can get through this week easily. I just need to keep my head up, try and stay busy, and be positive. My Husband did warn me “Be careful what you wish for, especially if it’s the unknown”. 

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. 

Day 87 (12/18/14)

Got an email last night from my Husband telling me how very happy my Son was that I was still here. It was nice to see him smile. All he wanted was one more visit. My Husband and kids just want “one more” visit with Mama ! I just want my family to be happy and I’m glad we get another visit. I know this ordeal is really hard on my family. I hate to see my Husband and kids struggling. I did this to them. My recklessness caused irreversible pain to those I love the most. I feel guilt, pain and regret for having my family endure this nightmare, because of my poor choices. 

I think of the millions of Americans that have been incarcerated. The families, the children that have been subjected to the system. They are punished as well. There has to be a better way to avoid such tragedy to the families. 

Losing a family member to incarceration is a life changing event. It either tears families apart or draws them together. Too many times than not, families are destroyed and torn apart. Children lost and forgotten on the system. We need more programs and efforts toward rehabilitation. Keeping the bonds of families and children together, rather than tearing them apart. The goal should be to put a stop to crime, break the cycle, not let it continue. It’s in the best interest of society that we consider families and children of non-violent criminals before sentencing. We also need to prepare, educate, and assist these families and children as well. I come from and have the most amazing family that never turned their back on me when they probably should have with all I have put them through. I am thankful for all the love and support I have been given. I hope to share and give that same support to others.