Day 30 (10/22/14) “For reals Homie"

It’s Wednesday, hump day ! I can’t wait to call and ask my Son what day it is. I love it when he say “Hump Daaayyyy” ! He's so funny ! 

Another new deputy today. We have had a new deputy for the past 4 days. This one is a good one, she gives us our full day room time and time in the morning and afternoon. This housing unit must have a really bad reputation. I guess not too many deputies like working this housing unit. Our deputy today included. Maybe it’s all the grievances the inmates file on the deputies. I have watched the Sergeants empty the complaint box (once a week) and it’s full with 20-30 complaints every time. I am sure the majority are about all the lockdowns. 

My Husband ordered me a book to read. It was delivered here on Friday, 10/17/14. I have been asking everyday for it. I have still yet to receive it (Today is 10/22). It’s supposed to be delivered the next day, just like our emails. So, I should have gotten it on Sunday at the latest. It’s frustrating because you are on lockdown like 90% of the day and books pass the time. Yet, you can’t get any books around here. When I asked about getting books, I was told the Chaplin comes around 2-3 times a week to rotate books throughout the housing units. I have yet to see these books. So, I figured they really don’t deliver them throughout the week, just on Saturdays. I saw the Chaplin collect two big bags of books out of the deputy’s storage closet. The Chaplin asked the deputy if they were done with the bags of books, the deputy said to "go ahead and take them, we don’t need them right now". Are you kidding me ?? They have had books for us the entire time and refused to put them out for us ! Everyone in this unit is dying to find a new book to read. We are like vultures when someone finishes a book. When I leave this unit, I will be donating all my books to this housing unit. A gift from Sisters for a Second Chance. 

So, after lunch today, my new bunkmate is talking my face off. She’s nice and all, but I want to tell her my name is not “homie”. She says “for reals homie” way too much. During her numerous stories, she proceeds to tell me that before she was locked up, she was homeless. So, she applied for public assistance and she gets $551 a month in food stamps and assistance, along with medi-cal, and that’s while she’s IN jail. So, she’s going to have $3000 just waiting for her when she gets out. I am thinking, are you serious ? Tax payers are paying for you to be in jail and your public assistance ? It didn’t seem right to me. Again, our system is really broken. I do feel for her, that money could be used to get back on track and start a new life. A second chance. But, I would not be surprised to see her back on the streets again and buying drugs. Our system needs a complete overhaul. Badly.

We had mail call and I received 5 emails. My Daughter, my Sister, my Husband, and two from my Dad. My roommate said “I’ll get them , they’re all for you”. Like always, I felt bad. I know I am very blessed. My roommate may have pissed me off with the toilet paper "sale", but she’s a decent bunkmate. She’s nice and has a good sense of humor. She shared her story with me tonight be fore bed. She tells me, for the entire time she’s been in here, she’s never received an email from her Mom and and I could tell that really hurt her. That’s so sad. She said her Dad died when she was three. She said he was a Crip and was shot to death. Her Mom was on the streets doing drugs and in a gang. Her Mom just never grew up and took care of her and her siblings. She’s been homeless and her younger sister is also serving time. She had her first baby at 16. He most recent Son was in foster care for 8 months before her Grandma came and got him to raise him while she’s in jail. I am listening to her and thinking, did she ever have a chance ? It’s so very sad and to think the streets and this life she leads is all she knows. Now, she’s just lost in this system. I hope she gets a second chance when she gets out of here. Hope she goes home to her Son and becomes the Mom hers never was. To be locked up and never taught the way to live a clean life seems like such a waste. We are sitting in here doing nothing. There has to be a way to break the chain. I hope one day I'll be able to make an impact on an inmate and help them re-direct their life. There has to be a way. 

Day 18 Part 2 (10/10/14) Once a drug addict...

Well, my roommate is back. The private time is over. It wasn’t long enough. She was facing 4 years and ended up going to a program and getting out of here. I guess the information I wrote up for her attorney really helped. She said she’s here until the end of the month. Then she’s off to “Choices” in Vista, CA. Their program is 100% better than being in this place. She is very lucy, hopefully she will do well in the program and get her life back together. You never know, the choice and opportunity is hers. I hope she takes and makes the most out of it. 

We are in facility lockdown. So, the entire facility is on lockdown right now. We don’t know why or for how long. It started right after lunch. The bottom tier had lunch in their cells and didn’t get any dayroom time. So thankful I got up and out this morning. Bottom tier did get to shower, but it was two cells at a time. Shower, back to lockdown. Then dinner rolled around, same thing, dinner in our cells, total lockdown. I asked the deputy if get to get out this evening and she said she did not know. Just depends if they release the facility lockdown. Again, we have no clue why we are on “full” lockdown. Sometimes I think it’s just a way to punish or show us who’s in charge. A cruel mental punishment. It boarders on abusive to me. I am not asking to roam the yard, just can I get out of my cell for more than 2 hours in day ? Well, I sure hope they release the lockdown. If not, I can survive, but I am praying we are not on lockdown tomorrow. It’s my Son's birthday. If I don’t get my call or my visit, I will be devastated. Hope this ends soon. 

Lockdown did end. We got out between 9-10pm. So, I was able to talk to my family. It was so nice. My roommate really irritated me. She got mad I was sweeping. Well, we have inspection tomorrow. She may not care, but I do. So I didn’t care if she was mad. All she does is sleep, lay around, and beg for food. It’s super annoying. Plus, she has no intention of getting clean. She’s looking for the quickest program so she can hit the streets again. It made me really angry when I heard her talking about it. You can’t help people unless they want help themselves. She’s a prime example. She doesn’t want help. I am upset, because I helped her with her lawyer / case, wrote her inmate requests for programs, wrote her Son and landlord for her, and got her a shower and new bedding. Along with a towel and a new clean uniform (I have to admit the last one was selfish and for me. She smelled bad and it really smelled the cell up). Then she turns around and has no intention of getting any help (she will be back here) and gets an attitude with me because I follow the rules. I refuse to get a write up or lockdown because of a strung out drug addict. So, deal with it or go find a new cell to move into. 

Time for bed. Thankful another day has passed. 

Day 17 / Part 2 (10/9/14) You help me, I help you..

The bottom tier got the AM shift. Of course I hear a bunch of ruckus going on and what do I see ? Two girls getting in an argument that’s about to get physical. Like I said, more problems downstairs. Glad to be away from it. But, they are risking lockdown for everyone. The deputy put a stop to it quickly, but I am really tired of this. The fighting, the arguing, talking back, and not listening to the deputies. It’s so frustrating. I’m trapped in a housing with women that just don’t care. I care, and I want to be in a housing where others care too. Care about getting out, care about not coming back, care about making real changes, and care about their futures. 

I discovered my bunkmate has been to prison more than once. So, we had a nice long talk about prison, the entire receiving process, bus ride, and booking. She gave me a ton of tips and information. I took notes and asked a lot of questions. It was so helpful. I am so appreciative of her knowledge and that she was kind enough to share it with me. We also spent the entire evening writing up information for her lawyer. She asked me to help her. She found out she goes to court tomorrow. So, I will have the cell to myself the majority of the day. That might be a nice break. 

It seems like it was a really good idea to move cells. Everything happens for a reason. I was able to help her and she was able to help me. 

I had a wonderful visit from my Sister and kids this afternoon. So, today ended up being a pretty good day. I am very thankful for my family and their love and support. I am so grateful that I have them to come home to. 

Day 17 / Part One A whole new world..and roommate (10/9/14)

I am back to cell 27. Same cell and bed that I started in. I volunteered to move, because I feel more comfortable on the top tier. There is less drama and fighting up here then on the lower tier. It’s also much quieter. It’s a gamble, because even though my last roommate heard voices and talked to them, she was harmless.  I felt comfortable with the routine I had going. But, you have to take chances in life, so I took one. Just to try to get off this tier. Woke up early, did my cell exercises, got washed up, and wrote letters to my family. I moved cells. 

My new bunkmate slept most of the morning. She finally woke up. She doesn’t suffer from metal illness, so that was a plus. But, she is a strung out drug addict. She does meth and crack. She is in here for theft and burglary charges. I’m sure to support her habit. She goes back to court next week. She seems nice, we talked. I gave her the rundown on this housing unit. She said “I heard this was a behavioral unit. Why are you in here ?” I chuckled and said “You know, I keep asking myself that same question. I am a first time offender and don’t cause any trouble. I am trying to get out of this housing unit”. I hope one day it happens. As I talked to my new roommate, she informed me that she was HIV positive. Well, I was a little shocked and taken back. But, I thanked her for honest up front with me. I knew coming here there would be a risk. I know how it’s transmitted, so I will be overly cautious and should be fine. She said lots of people get freaked out about it. I am sure they do, but I know I can’t get it sleeping in the same room as her. I am actually more concerned that she takes a shower today. Not to be mean, but she smells like a wet dog. Sleeping and sweating all the poison out of your body has a nasty smell. Other than that, I have no complaints about her. She taught me how to play spades today. Playing cards with someone was very enjoyable and a nice change. After lunch we played another hand. Before she took her nap, she opened up to me, it was really nice. She said “You seem like a real good person, someone who is really strong, and had a good upbringing. Lots of support on the outside. Don’t let this place bring you down. Don’t fall for the people out there. You don’t need friends here. Don’t take this place home with you.This place will take people like you and change them to a life of crime and drugs. You seem strong and hopefully that won’t happen to you. Don’t let it”. I told her that I wouldn’t and always remember what my lawyer told me “You don’t make friends in there, you make acquaintances”. She laughed and said “That’s true” ! I don’t need new friends, especially the ones in here. I don’t have much in common and have no intention on ever coming back. So, I keep to myself and stay clear of any trouble. I like it that way.