Day 36 (10/28/14) Desperate times, desperate measures...

It’s Tuesday, tried to sleep in and just can’t. Don’t know why. I read until “meds”. That’s when the meds are given out to the inmates that “need” them. So, it’s 8am. So, dayroom should be soon. We have another new deputy. 

Meds came and went and no dayroom for either tier. What the heck is it today I wonder ? The deputy has a long list in her hands. She starts letting inmates out, one at a time, sometimes two at a time. I am curious what is going on. This takes over an hour. It’s 9:15am, by the time she gets to my cell, it ended up not being anything. The nurse was there doing sick calls. In a housing unit of 53, over half the inmates put in medical requests. I am pretty sure it had to do with the head lice “outbreak”. We were stuck in lockdown all morning. Even had lunch in our cells. But, they finally got around to taking care of the problem. They addressed all the medical requests and removed the “host” inmate. Hopefully they are treating her and not just moving her to another housing. Then her cell was emptied, cleaned, and sterilized. The girl sharing the cell was issued all new bedding. Now, hopefully we can move on. Unfortunately, we lost dayroom time because we caused such an uproar about the lice issue. But, it needed to be addressed and I’m glad it finally was. Thankfully, the books my Mother sent me arrived last night. 2 weeks ago when I was desperate for books, my wonderful Mother ordered me two. They were delivered and signed for at the facility on the 18th of October. I got them on 10/27. The deputies had them this entire time. It really makes me angry. Before the deputy gives them to me, she asks how many books I have. I tell her “5” and then she gives me my books. I guess there is a policy here, you are not allowed more than 6 books. I understand that is the rule for “shared” books, but I own these. I wouldn’t have to have so many books ordered if they would just give out the books for us to read that were donated. Generous people donating books to the jail that the deputies won’t give the chaplain to give out. How can you limit how many books I have when you keep me on lockdown for 21-22 hours a day ? This place is really out of hand. Again, I am not a dangerous criminal that committed some heinous act. The corrections system is not about “correcting” anyone. That’s why so many people end up coming back. Why so many people end up being more “broken” then when they arrived here. Why so many people aren’t ready for the “real” world when they do get out. All because the corrections system is broken and needs an overhaul. We need reform desperately. Maybe my voice, along with others can make a difference. 

Only got out an hour this afternoon. Had to have dinner in our cells. Didn’t have time for a shower., so I had to “sink” shower. You have to do what you have to do in here. The lockdown makes people desperate. Two girls couldn’t take it anymore and they “hurt” each other. One slammed the desk on her bunkies foot and the other on her hand. They were swollen and black and blue. They really did hurt each other pretty bad. But, this “accident” got them out of here and into a nice bed in medical. No lockdown, no waiting for the phone, tv all day, desperate times equal desperate measures. That’s how bad it is here. So bad they were willing to physically hurt themselves to get a break. The entire housing unit has no dangerous criminals. They are all non-violent drug and theft crimes. I just can’t understand the extreme amount of lockdowns. 

Then to top it off, the deputy on duty forgets to let me out on time for my video visit. It’s 10 after 7pm. My visit was at 7pm. I now have 20 minutes left.  She apologized, but that doesn’t get my 10 minutes back with my Son and Husband. This is a state of the art, hi-tech facility. But, there is nothing to keep visits on time. Seems so simple. Some people may think “What’s the big deal ?” Well, again, with two, 30 minutes video visits a week, it’s everything. It's all I have. 

Well, it wasn’t the best day, but I made the best of it. I didn’t let this facility's BS get to me, and to me, that’s a victory ! 

Day 35 (10/27/14) I refuse to be broken....

The start of a new day begins right now. No going back to re-write the past. Go forward and write the future. Stop pondering over what you did and did not do. What you should and should not have done. Go forward with new wisdom and knowledge and make the ending much more than the beginning. Starting today, remember the choices you make today can affect your tomorrow. So, think before you act, before you do, and before you don’t. Learning along the way. 

I start my Monday with another inspiration from my Husband. Another motivation to get me through yet another week. Monday means laundry. We have another new deputy. That makes 9 days straight with a different deputy everyday. It’s hard to go every day and not know what your schedule is going to be like or know when you’ll be stepping foot out of your cell door. I just have to deal with it and hope for the best. 

This deputy splits the time between both tiers. So that’s good. Got a shower in and did the stairs for 30 minutes this morning. Found out my first bunkie, Mama J, went home today. I am glad I talked to her yesterday and got to sort of say goodbye. I wish her the best and will always be grateful for her kindness and generosity my first two weeks here. I hope she sticks to her plans and goals and makes it. I wish I was out and able to help her on her new journey. It’s hard for me to comprehend the idea that so many women here leave with no home to go to. Mama J’s family is in Texas. She’s hoping to get an apartment at St. Vincent De Paul, but what do you do while you wait for an opening ? My current roommate was telling me last night, how she hopes to find a studio or garage to live in and rent when she gets out next month. She leaves here homeless too. Where are the resources to help these women locate a home or place to stay before they let them out ? Why aren’t the counselors meeting with them a couple of weeks prior to their release ? Shouldn’t the goal be to not return ? More money needs to be spent on rehabilitation than throwing lives away and overcrowding the prisons and jails. We need reform, we need to improve the system, we need to just stop locking people up and forgetting about them. We need to focus on allowing forgiveness, rehabilitation, and growth. I hope one day I can help make a positive change to the reform our system desperately needs. 

Due to medical conditions and such, certain inmates cannot be housed on the top tier. So, the deputies will make changes. That’s how I ended up on the lower tier then back upstairs. So, changes were made today. One of the new arrivals had to be moved downstairs. Well, in the process of this move, they moved the insane girl with head lice out of her cell (cell 19) and into a new cell. She still has yet to be treated for the head lice. The deputy on Saturday said she got her an appointment with medical, but it has yet to happen. Now, they have just spread this. Exposing more inmates to lice. What is wrong with this place ? I’m not expecting luxury resort like conditions, but basic clean and humane conditions would be nice. We are at the mercy of the deputies and the system. When you end up here, you lost all rights, all power, you have no voice, and no one cares. All you are is a number. The favorite response to any gripes is “Well, don’t come to jail then”. They are in charge and they will do whatever they want to do and you can complain, you can fight, and you can file as many grievances as you want. But, you will never win. It’s your word against theirs and your word means nothing behind these walls. The abuse of power is just something you have to accept in here, because you can’t change it. The way you win. is to not let them get you down. If you stay strong, keep positive in your mind and being, they can’t win. For myself, I refuse to be broken. They can keep me in lockdown, they can refuse medical, ignore my requests, be rude and dis-respectful, but I am not going to be miserable. I’ll make the most of it and in the end in the end, I’ll still be me. Strong as ever ! 

Getting ready for the inevitable... (From Husband)

Trying to prepare for the inevitable. The day my Wife is taken at midnight for her 8 hour bus ride to Chowchilla, CA for receiving. Where they decide what prison will be the right fit for her. Low security housing. Will it be the fire camp that she has been praying for ? Or CIW in Riverside CA ? I have even heard of a possibility of Folsom. Yes, that Folsom. When an inmate goes to receiving, they are allowed NO phone calls or contact visits. I have heard you can get a visit through the old glass plate with phone. 20-30 minutes. That’s IF you get your visitation approved. You are allowed to write letters. I love to write to her. It’s almost therapeutic . The down side though is, Chowchilla’s mail is a mere 6-8 weeks behind. She is slated to be there no longer than 4-5 weeks. We will be very fortunate if we hear from her before she is taken. That, will be a rough phone call. I honestly think this will be the hardest part of her incarceration for all of us. She thinks she will leave right before Christmas. Perfect ! But, once she is through this part, it should be much easier for all of us. We can set up longer visits and she’ll finally get a routine. Hell, maybe we will too. 

While in receiving, she’ll have to deal with 7 other personalities in her cell. Knowing my Wife, she can do that. In fact she should do well with it. I will always worry about her. But, she is a very strong woman. When we finally get that phone call that she’s at her “mainstream” home and out of Chowchilla, we will be able to take a deep breath and know that the end should really start coming quicker. At least we hope and pray.  

Day 34 (10/26/14) "My mind starts racing..."

We are up before the sun is up. Time for inspection. It goes quickly and we are done a little after 7am. I am hoping for dayroom time, but no luck. It seems everyone else has gone back to sleep. 

We get out at 8am for an hour. My Husband and Daughter are about to start the Tough Mudder (8:20am start). A grueling, 12 mile obstacle race, in the hills of Temecula, CA. I am thinking of them and wishing I could be there. I know they will do great and I can’t wait to talk to them later today. 

I am glad we get to get out a little this morning and afternoon today. This afternoon I go to make a call and I can’t get through. My phone account is empty. This can’t be, because I had $11 on it last night. I specifically made sure I had enough on there so I could have a full 30 minute call with my family. So, either I spent $80 in phone time the last 8 days or someone has gotten my PIN number and has been using it. I was averaging $50-$60 a week in phone calls, but this weeks increase had seemed very strange. I had already mentioned to my Husband and Sister to see if they could log on to my account and get a transaction history. Today when I was at zero, that was it, I knew something was up. I went and talked to the deputy. She was unable to access the information, but suggested I put in a request to the commissary for the information. So, I immediately put in the request and to the Sergeant on duty to get this investigated. I wanted to know if my information had been compromised. I have been very careful with my PIN, but I am living in a jail with criminals. I was talking to one of my acquaintances, and she said if someone did take my info, they would be getting additional charges. Then she told me to watch my cellmate, because she was using her old roommates phone time while she was in lockdown for two days. I started to get real suspicious, because this did start about a week ago when she was moved into my cell. I mean, she did sell our toilet paper. I will figure this out. I may be quiet and respectful, but don’t take that for weakness ! Phone time is so precious to me. My lifeline to my kids, my Husband, and my family. It’s what gets me through everyday. If I am unable to call my family, they worry and get upset. Hopefully, I / they can get this resolved. 

We got out this evening. I got my phone time resolved ! It ended up being an error. My money was back on my account and I was able to call my family. “The squeaky wheel” ! Then I remembered what my old bunkmate told about your phone time. You can’t put money on your phone account right before you are about to be transferred. So, my mind starts racing. Will I be getting transferred soon ? Maybe this week ? I need to get everything in order and ready to leave just in case. 

We got out an hour and a half this evening. Got out at 8:30pm and I made my phone call to my family. I usually walk laps, but tonight I hung out with two acquaintances. They are two older ladies and both have done time in prison. I get along with them because they don’t get involved in jailhouse drama. According to them “They are too old for that shit”. Due to the phone incident, I want to be prepared for transfer and they don’t mind my questions about prison. It’s really helpful, there is so much stuff to know. It sounds like there is very little lockdown. Nothing compared to county jail. This is a positive, but the negative is there are no phone calls when you go to receiving. But, you get visits, just not contact visits. The ole’ glass plate with phone. But, receiving is 500 miles away from my family. 6 hour drive if you’re lucky. Not sure how that’s going to workout for a 30 minute phone call visit. Hopefully, I can get through receiving quickly and get placed closer to my family so visits will be easier. 

An hour into our evening time, we have to lockdown due to  a medical emergency. I guess a woman on the bottom tier had a seizure. So, we go to lockdown and there are three deputies and a corporal there. They do nothing but stand there and wait. Waiting for medical personnel. Ten minutes later, they show up. I would hate to be in here with a life threatening emergency. The pace they move, you may not make it. I am very fortunate to be in good health. After 30 minutes or so, they finally take her out on a stretcher. Time for night count and lights out. Another week over !

Day 33 (10/25/14) Head Lice....

Hello Saturday. Woke up to another new deputy. Still on this getting out only once a day. We have the afternoon shift. Sort of a bummer, because I missed my call to my sister this morning. But, at least I get to see the sun. 

Another argument broke out across the way in cell 22. I heard the deputy talking to them both and the one girl telling the deputy she’s yelling at people that aren't even there. I don’t know what else was said, but the deputy shut the door and an hour or so later, the older woman was removed. Not sure what’s going to happen or where she’s going to go. But. hopefully, it’s better for her and she gets the treatment she needs. 2 hours after I write this, she’s back. This situation is definitely not over. 

So, we have an inmate in our housing that has head lice. I am freaking out and itching just thinking about it. They have done nothing about it. The girl that shares a room with her, has put in a medical request for her to be treated. She said to the deputy “Do you want to be treating one inmate or an entire housing unit ?” Still, they did nothing. It’s so disgusting and dirty. She needs to be treated, her cellmate needs to be treated, they need to strip that cell and clean the hell out of it and issue all new bedding. Again, I know this is jail, but some basic hygiene is not too much to ask. This afternoon, they tried to get today’s deputy to send her to medical, but she wouldn’t do it either. Then one of the girls decide they would help her since everyone else is avoiding her like the plague. It’s a really fucked up situation all around. She asked the deputy for a pair of gloves and she was told that she was not a licensed doctor. No gloves given and was told she should not be touching her head. She didn’t care. She wanted to help . She’s treated head lice before with her daughter’s hair. So, she takes the girl outside and is checking her head. She confirms she has head lice and is now trying to comb out the eggs the best she can. As she’s doing that, the deputy comes out and tells her “I told you not to be touching her head, now you’re on lockdown”. The girl responded with “Are you serious ?” the deputy said “Yes, I’m dead serious”. She was just trying to help, but I understand medical needs to be doing it. I wonder if they are just going to let it be and not treat her ? I was shocked that this was not taken seriously or treated immediately. No one will sit by or go near the girl with lice. It’s so messed up on so many levels. 

I had my visit tonight with my Husband. Started right on time and got the full 30 minutes.  He was very happy too. He said he gets in there with like 5 minutes to spare to clean the phone. This time someone had jammed gum into the mouthpiece. He used his Clorox wipes to clean it. Anyway ! It was so good to see him. He is my strength and I love him so much. He emails me positive and inspirational quotes. I’ll end the day with one of my favorites:

It is really hard to put pieces back together and make something exactly as it used to be.

But, perhaps, this is your opportunity to take the pieces and create a masterpiece. 

Day 32 (10/24/14) "Faithfully"

It’s Friday, I have court today. Lucky for me, the top tier got the AM shift today so I got to read the paper, take a shower, and call my Husband before getting picked up for court. I was looking forward to getting out of here. Well, at least for 2-3 hours. The deputy came and got me at 9am, along with 5 other girls. We were taken to a holding cell where we had lunch and waited for the bus. Once the bus arrived, we came out, got handcuffed together, and got on the bus. We got to listen to the radio on the ride. It’s the first time I got to hear music in 32 days. Sure was a nice change of scenery, even though we were in a rolling jail. Darkened windows with bars across the windows. 

As we merged onto Highway 94 to head downtown, the song my Husband and I danced to at our wedding came on. “Faithfully” by Journey. It made me smile and feel happy. Just to hear that song and think of my Husband made me feel this new inner strength. I felt hope and knew everything was going to be ok. 

Once we get to the courthouse, they file us all in and there is now eight of us in the holding cell. I get called out to go upstairs, where I am put in another holding cell. This time by myself. It’s 11am. I did my “cell” exercises and sat around, then tried to sleep.  Then they brought me a second lunch. I just ate the carrots out of it. I did feel guilty, I left a lot of the food. Being in here makes me think of all the people that need help. 

At 1:35pm, they came and got me out of the cell and headed to the courtroom. I am in there for 40 minutes watching and listening to all the proceedings. Then I get called. They set a new date. My lawyer was out of town, so I didn’t even get to talk to her. It was almost such a waste, but the trip was better than lockdown. After court, the bus was just about back to the courthouse, so they took me outside. I sat on a bench until the bus arrived, got back on and headed back. Once we got back to Las Colinas, they removed the chains, patted us down, and we walked back to our housing units. The sun felt amazing on the walk back. I got back to my housing unit at 3:30pm. I went back to my cell and waited for dinner. The deputy called me down. We got sweatshirts and an extra blanket ! Thank goodness. I have been freezing every night. They crank the air conditioning every night. It gets so cold. I bet I sleep much better tonight. I’ll finally be warm. 

Day 31 (10/23/14) Mental Illness, General Population

It’s Thursday, chocolate cake tonight ! I finally got my book and I have a video visit with my daughter tonight ! That’s as good as it gets and I am thankful ! 

Another new deputy today. Back to being out only one time during the day. Top tier got the afternoon shift, at least I get to see the sun today. The little things in my life. 

During dayroom today, two girls, one being my bunkie, got into a fight over the tv. My bunkmate got the deputy to change the channel. No one had a problem with it, except one. Everyone was down with some “Maury” and “You are NOT the father” haha. But, this one girl had a fit. She didn’t want to watch this “drama” and my bunkmate and her started arguing, Then the deputy was yelling about lockdown. I thought we all had to go to lockdown and I was going to be so upset, all over a petty fight. Especially after the deputy changed the channel back. The girl got her way and but wouldn’t let it go. She kept running her mouth. My bunkmate got up and started heading to her own cell. She stopped, but then they kept squawking about it and started threatening to fight. The deputy got up and locked both of their asses down. Because my roommate was heading upstairs, she was told she wouldn’t get a write up. But, the other girl got written up and a ticket to a new housing unit. Hard to believe there is another housing unit worse than this one. But, I guess she’ll find out. 

The drama was non-stop today. During evening dayroom, the deputy on duty clearly stated no talking to the inmates on the bottom tier. So, everyone stayed clear of the bottom tier. There is an older lady here that suffers from mental illness and is very lonely and desperate for friends. Because she’s not all there and does strange things, most people stay away from her. Of course the bottom tier preys on her weakness. They talk to her and get her to pass notes. The deputy of course sees her doing this and yells at her and sends her to lockdown. It’s messed up, because she did break the rules, but she’s not all there and so desperate for anyone to talk to her. She’s completely taken advantage of. I’m not sure jail is the right place for her. I would say a mental health facility would definitely be better.

I had my visit with my Daughter tonight. It was awesome and so good to see her. I only get two 30 minute video visits a week. I cherish those 60 minutes so much and I have had problems in the past with the deputies forgetting or getting me late for my visits. So, I am always on top of the time and reminding them. Tonight, I knew it was getting close to 8:45pm and I buzzed the deputy. I said “I wanted to check the time because..” and before I could finish, she cuts me off and says “Don’t worry about the time !” I proceed to finish my sentence “I have a visit at 8:45 and don’t want to miss it”. She checks and buzzes me back with her bitch attitude “You have 3 minutes”, then let’s me out. It’s past 8:45, by 3 minutes. That deputy made me wait, even though it was time for my visit. So, by the time I logged on with my Daughter, we only had 26 minutes left. That deputy was such a bitch. I have to hound her, I don’t care, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t even had my visit at all. I understand, I am in jail and all, but some of these deputy’s just don’t care and are mean on purpose. It pisses me off, because they’re hurting my family. My kids more than me. Leaving them sitting there, waiting and worrying. It’s just unnecessary. We are human beings and your badge does not give you the right to treat people poorly. I am nothing but respectful, I deserve the same. Well, at least my visit with my Daughter was awesome. I love her so much. 

After lights out, I am lying in bed ready to fall asleep, when I hear all this yelling and banging going on. So, of course I get up to check it out. It’s across the way in cell 22. Same lady that has mental illness thinks she has seen a ghost and is trying to cast a spell and communicate with the ghost. Well, that really upset her cellmate. So, her cellmate starts screaming and yelling at her. The cellmate was purposely making a scene to try and get the deputies to respond and remove the woman. The deputies showed up, pulled the woman out of the cell, wrote her up, and then put her back in the same cell. Welcome to Las Colinas. Inmates with mental illness need to be in a treatment facility with trained professionals. Not in jail with “regular” inmates who take advantage of them, or are afraid of them. Not with deputies that treat them like they are problem inmates. The deputies are not trained to work with these types of inmates. That’s why they handle them the way they do. A lot of the deputies ignore the issues and problems and that’s when it ends up escalating to an out of control situation. As it did when the girl who was licking the concrete. The deputy ignored it and told the girl she had to wait for her appointment with the psychiatrist, when she clearly needed immediate assistance. A girl was choked by an inmate that is waiting to go to Paton, the state mental institution. So, she has been declared “insane” by the state. But, she’s in jail, not segregated. She is in this housing. All they did was have the girl that got attacked move downstairs to a new cell. That same inmate started hitting a girl over a piece of cake. They both got write ups and the girl that was attacked got moved to a new housing unit. So, this inmate has attacked two people and is still mixed in with the rest of us. She clearly has mental issues. How can you just mix these people in with the general population ? They are just asking for trouble.