Bring on the New Year 2015 (Husband)

There were plenty of good things in 2014 for our Family. I took the time to find them. It’s so easy to remember the dark times. Maybe, because they’re so recent. As 2015 approaches, I’m ready to close the door on 2014. I’m ready to face the new and tough challenges that are ahead. Honestly, some days I can’t even say that. But, I have Friends and Family that will pick me up (emotionally). I have had friends pop up during the tough times that I haven’t heard from in a while and it’s like they were there the whole time. Well, I guess they really were. Recently, our Son had the opportunity to go to 6th grade camp. Well, now-a-days, it’s a huge cost (was free when I went). With my Wife’s income now completely gone, I had to do the hardest thing for me to do. Ask for help. It was agonizing to write that email. But, you know what ? Everyone, and I mean, everyone responded. They were more than happy to help. I was shocked and blown away. They immediately organized and donated for 6th grade camp. I remember texting my Sister in Law last week and telling her it was all paid for. I told her I was shocked. She said “That’s what Families do” . I told her I wasn’t used to that because I had only grown up with my Mom. I didn't know how families would get together and take care of each other like that. It was probably the most amazing thing I had ever witnessed. I kept saying “I can’t thank you enough”, but you know, they didn’t do it for thank you’s. They did it for Family. We are so very fortunate to have such a loving and supportive family. I don’t know how we would survive without them. It took all this crazy tragedy to help my Wife realize what an amazing family she has around her. She writes me and tells me that all the time. I am glad she now sees that. Things will be different, but also better for her emotionally when she gets out of incarceration. We will ALL hug more, tell each other we love each other more, hold hands when walking somewhere, and help others we maybe didn’t even notice before. Hope the New Year brings many awesome memories ! 

Day 43 (11/4/14) "How !? Does she get a key to unlock her cell ?"

What a great day ! Woke up to a new deputy. Miss Personality is gone ! Which is really nice, because our neighbor in cell 25 is back at it again. In the middle of the night and early this morning, she was screaming, yelling, and throwing things out of her cell. She urinated again at the door and smeared messages on her cell door using her soap. So, I am tired due to the disturbances. But, I am happy to have a decent, respectable deputy today. Our deputy split the morning and afternoon with both tiers. It was actually a really nice, quiet, drama-less day. Our deputy took care of the inmate in cell 25. She called mental health services. They talked to her and got her transferred, hopefully to get some help, but usually they just ignore it and leave the problem for the next shift and subject us to chaos. This deputy handled it and never even yelled once today. Everyone listened with no problems or fights. It’s really all about how you treat people. Our deputy today was respectful and everyone was respectful back. She actually let us out of our cells as well, that makes a difference too. When you keep us cooped up and locked up for hours, of course we’re going to be crazy. We have all this pent up energy. We are in our cells too long, pacing like caged animals to get out. When they finally let us out, we are greeted with rudeness and dis-respect. Miss Personality didn’t want us to bother her . If you asked for anything, you got the eye roll, the huff and puff sigh, and if she had to speak, it was with attitude. When she talked to you, it was with no respect and she wonders why she had issues and one problem after another for four days. Look in the mirror, maybe you’re the problem. 

Had my visit with my Daughter today. It was scheduled for 8:45pm. We were in our cells, so I was reading and waiting patiently, but never got called. So, I buzz the deputy and am greeted with a really pissed off “What do you need !?” This deputy does not want you using this box unless it’s a medical emergency. But, how else am I supposed to get my visit ? I tell her I have a visit at 8:45 and is it time ? “It’s past 8:45 and I didn’t know you had a visit. What you’r last name ? Let me check” she replies. Then she comes back with “Ok, you can come log in (Video visit)”. She unlocks my door, it’s 2 minutes to nine. By the time I get logged in, we have 15 minutes left. I wanted to cry my eyes out, but I didn’t. I held it together and made the most of the time we did have. It was short, but it was a good visit. Seeing her for 15 minutes is better than not seeing her at all. This place has no system or procedures for visits. It’s absolutely frustrating ! The problem is they outsourced the traditional visits (non-contact) and use video visits through a company called Securus. They aren’t even scheduled through the jail. You schedule the visit online through Securus and they notify the jail and staff. This is where the problem lies. But, the staff here does not give a shit because it’s not their problem. My Daughter went to complain and they told her it was the inmates responsibility to get to the visit on time. My Daughter replied “How ?! Does she get a key to unlock her own cell !?” Are they being serious ? If it was up to me and it was my responsibility, I would be on time, There would never be a problem. My Daughter demanded another visit. They couldn’t do that, but took her name and number and the supervisor would call her. The supervisor called her back the same night. This time, she was told it was the inmates responsibility to notify the deputy of a visit to insure the inmate was on time for the visit. That's great and all in theory, but again, I am locked in a cell with no way to talk to the deputy, except for the call box that’s supposed to be used for medical emergencies only. Most deputies get pissed off if you use it for anything except emergencies. I have no access to a clock and what about shift change ? You can’t even remind the deputy or tell her of the visit if you never get to see her. Until it’s too late. The real issue, is that all visits are done between dayroom hours only. So, they are assuming we are all out of our cells and we need to insure we are on time. What they don’t realize is, not all deputies have the dayroom open for the full time and that we don’t get the full 3 hours. We have to split the time between the tiers. I can’t win in this situation, it’s a lose / lose for me. So, I am just going to have to use the emergency box as my responsibility according to them. We will see how this turns out. 

It’s election day, don’t get to vote, but my Dad sent me some political humor, which was hilarious. 

Humor is indispensable to the sanity of the oppressed and in giving them the will and strength to endure and fight on. 

By the way, my Daughter got another visit. My Husband say she's tough and smart like me. Well, hopefully smarter. 

Day 42 (11/3/14) "The Boy..."

It’s Monday morning. I tried so hard to sleep as long as possible, but the time change is not helping. I usually love when the time falls back an hour, but not in here. It’s an extra hour of serving time. Our cell neighbors decided to flush their toilet 8-10 times in a row. The sound is loud and obnoxious. So, it woke me up, I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t. So, I was up nice and early. It’s so hard for me to sleep my time away like most of these women in here. I am up from 7am to 10pm everyday trying to pass the time in this cell and of the 15 hours I am awake, I am out 2-4 hours a day. Yesterday, we got 2 hours out of our cell for the entire day. It’s rough, but I am pushing through it. 

We have lots of new faces in this unit and it’s been very annoying. The women act like children, they don’t know how to follow directions, and everything is a production. It’s hard to handle everyday, especially when they risk our dayroom time being taken away with their games. They just don’t care. I can’t wait to get out of this facility ! 

Miss Personality is back again. She’s just one miserable bitch, who doesn’t want to do anything. The girls across the way have been bickering and fighting and it’s escalating. They asked the deputy to move cells, but she doesn’t have time for them and told them to go back to their cells. So, they did, and the screaming match started up again. What is she waiting for, a fight before she does anything ? Miss personality is in a real fine mood today. I hope I can get through this day quickly. 

We had the afternoon shift today. But, didn’t get out but 40 minutes before dinner. The drama in this unit continues. There was a sexual assault on an inmate from another inmate, so the afternoon was spent on the investigation. 

We had a new inmate that arrived last week. She was on the top tier but was moved downstairs because she didn’t get a long with her first two roommates. She had a shaved head so everyone called her and referred to her as the “boy”. Once downstairs, the deputy had to tell the “boy” to put her clothes on out of respect for her roommate. She was in the cell walking around completely naked. She put pants on but was topless. Well, her roommate couldn’t take it anymore. They argued and the “boy” hit her. So, the “boy” got one day lockdown and her cellmate moved cells. On Sunday, they moved a new cellmate in, no issues. The new roommate went home Monday morning. Time for another new roommate. Then for some reason, Miss Personality moved an inmate that has been here a while in the cell with the “boy”. This woman is older. She’s ill with a brain tumor and is really not there mentally. But, she harmless and a sweet lady. Why the deputy moved her in with this problem inmate, I have no idea. While they were in the cell, the “boy” was touching her inappropriately. The woman said something to another inmate and they reported it and the investigation began. The “boy” was finally moved out of this unit. A little late, don’t you think ? Again, being reactive instead of proactive. This place is an absolute nightmare. You have all this chaos and Miss Personality does not care or does anything about it. She’s part of the problem. She hates this housing unit and I have no doubt she thinks we get what we deserve in here. She lumps us all together as horrible human beings that are in jail. So, oh well, don’t bother me, I’m on my iPhone. Today’s incident could have been prevented, but what does this place care ? That right ! They don’t care ! “Don’t come to jail then !” No one deserves to be sexually assaulted ! I don’t care if you are in jail or not ! We are human beings ! 

Christmas 2014

Our first Christmas apart in 17+ years. Feels like any other day, besides the emptiness. Tough times. Christmas Eve was always “our” time. After the kids went to bed, we would open our presents and spend time with each other. I miss that the most. Now, I’ll lay in bed and think of you and talk to you. Tell you about how the kids are doing and how much I miss you. I know you do the same. We lean on each other for strength when we are down. Even though you are not here, you are here. Make sense ? I do have a few things I am thankful and hopeful for this year. 

I am thankful to have such an awesome supportive family.

I am thankful that even though my Wife is “away” she still finds ways to encourage me.

I am thankful that my kids and I have had a chance to see their Mom face to face before she leaves for receiving.

I am thankful for the two deputies at the visitation that have been kind and helpful to us.

I am thankful for the one clerk behind the bulletproof glass that actually smiled at us as we checked in.

I am thankful for my Wife’s first roommate (Mama J) that comforted her and prayed for her. 

I am thankful for the deputy that realized my Wife was in the wrong housing and made the effort to get her moved, resulting in contact visits. 

I am thankful that my Wife has remained safe in the first phase of her incarceration. 

I am thankful to have learned how the “system” really works.

I am thankful to have met many people that have the same views about reform. 

I am hopeful that when my Wife gets out, WE can make a difference.

I am hopeful that one day WE can show prosecutors that every case is different and the sentences given out are not fixing anything.

I am hopeful that one day there will be actual programs at ALL prisons for inmates with children. Not programs that are just listed on the facility’s website. 

I am hopeful that I can help you build a foundation, so when you get out you can start helping others. 

Never give up. If I can do it, you can do it, if you can do it, I can do it. Rise Above.

Merry Christmas...

Day 41 (11/2/14) “I may be locked up, but my misery is temporary..”

It was daylight savings today, so the sun was up early and so was I. Ended up having “Miss Personality” as our deputy again. This is day 3 with her, so unfortunately, we are probably stuck with her another 2 days. Not too happy about that, I am hoping to be moved in the next day or two. Hoping and praying.

We have lockdown all morning. It was so hard. 4 hours waiting to get out for 10 minutes at lunch. I couldn’t relax, I had so much anxiety. I hate these days. 

We get out for lunch, the Charger game is on, but the Chargers are losing 20-0 so It’s really not starting off a good day. We have been in all morning, so after lunch I politely ask for a pencil and some pads. The deputy just huffs and puffs because I am putting her out. Then she gets a pencil and throws it across the desk at me. She is one miserable woman. She hates us, she hates her job, and hates being bothered. She’s on her cell phone the entire time. Her attitude is horrific. Again, it’s the power. She has it all and we have none. So I just say thank you and walk away. I may be locked up in this hell hole, but my misery is temporary. I have a great family and life waiting for me. This deputy’s life is just misery. I almost start to feel bad for her, but then I don’t ! Just have to power through the next few days and then she will be gone. 

My roommate went to mental health services today. Did you know it takes a month to see a doctor over there ? They have very minimal mental health staff or resources. It’s just so unacceptable to me as I am surrounded by so many women suffering from PTSD, abuse, past trauma, and most have drug problems because they are trying to erase the pain. So why aren’t they trying to help these women with real programs and services ? Why do we just dope them up and lock them away ? People may think it’s not worth spending the money, but they eventually get back on the street and in our communities. Shouldn’t we put them back out there healthy or at least with some help ? Again, it’s too easy to lock them up and forget. Out of sight, out of mind. 

I have been receiving emails from others out there that have been reading my story and have experienced it themselves or their family has. People who want reform and change like I do. Real change ! It feels good to know I have support from strangers. Makes me want to fight harder and be heard. To make a difference. To get together with these women and men. Work together to make a difference. My Husband forwarded me the emails and I was amazed and blown away. I sometimes feel so alone in the world. The hurt, the disappointment I caused, the shame and guilt I feel everyday for the mistake I made and the pain I caused my family. I feel like I am an outcast and do I even deserve forgiveness and a second chance ? I beat myself up inside as I failed and let everyone down. Then to read messages from total strangers who support me, are praying for me, and who want to work together on reform and change. I see now, I am not alone. I have more support than I ever realized. In the dark days, I have to remember there is light ahead. 

Day 40 (11/1/14) She took a swing at the Deputy..

It’s officially November. Each day is hard, but each day is also one day closer to going home. I try not to focus on counting the days. I’ll save that for the very end. 

We had inspection this morning, so up at 6:30am. Our deputy isn’t the friendliest, she acts very irritated with all of us. At least one of the friendlier deputy’s is helping her. The same deputy that looked into getting me transferred out of this housing unit. So, that’s good.

We are getting new socks today. Getting two pair of small socks. I think the facility is tired of giving out the long socks and all the women not wearing their blues properly. The bottom tier is done with inspection. Now, it’s the top tier. The 5 cells on my side, 24-28 are done. We are waiting on the last few cells to be inspected. I always stand at my window and watch. I always like to see what’s happening. Cell 20 has two new inmates, both on lockdown. One has a 2 day lockdown, the other has a 12 day lockdown. The deputies are inspecting cells 19 and 20. Instead of sitting down in the chairs like you’re supposed to, one of the girls is standing and inching towards the bag of extras and starts looking in the bag. The nice deputy tells her to get away and sit down. She stops, but goes right back to the bag. The deputy walks up to her and tells her to get away from the bag and sit down. The inmate starts mouthing off and gets into the deputy’s face and says “Please sit down, we’re not dogs !” The deputy yells “No, you sit down ! “ The inmate refused again. That was it. “Turn around and put your hands behind your back”. She resisted and started struggling with the deputy. The inmate swung at the deputy, but not sure if she made contact with the deputy. Then she goes for the deputy’s hair. They struggle. The other deputy runs out and they tackle her to the ground. She’s still fighting them. A corporal and another deputy come out. They finally get the girls down and handcuff her twice. There are now eight deputies and they get the chains. Chain her up and get her out of there. We are all ordered to our bunks and out of our cell windows. I am thinking to myself “You dumb bitch, you just got us lockdown all day. Your dumbass can’t sit in a chair for 2 minutes !?” I am really frustrated and want the hell out of this wacko unit !! So, that situation is over. 

We have a new deputy take over our unit, inspection is over. They are wrapping up the argument / fight that happened earlier. Next door, the two girls on lockdown are not getting along . They were yelling at each other over the deputy’s call box. We have a button that calls the deputy for an emergency. But, most of these women don’t get that concept and use it for stupid stuff. Like calling and asking what time is it. But, the one girl hits the button and is screaming and cussing at her roommate. The deputy is almost off shift and is not happy. She yells for them to shut up and get off her box. They don’t stop at first, but finally shut up. The smart thing to do, would have talked to the deputy and asked to be moved. They do it all the time. They would rather do that, than deal with this BS. Anyway, the deputy left them in there, so guess what ? They go at it again. The same girl hits the emergency button again and starts screaming. The nice deputy comes upstairs to see what’s going on. She tells the girl to calm down and sit on her bed. She refuses and continues to be hysterical. So, the other deputy comes up, they open the door, and handcuff her. They take her downstairs while they do inspection. So when the fight breaks out, she’s still downstairs. They try and put her back in her cell, but that’s not working out as she starts yelling again. So they wait, then have her get her stuff and put it in cell 20, because a new bed just opened up due to the inmate that was just removed. The girl is telling the sergeant that she’s missing her underwear and that her roommate used them to wipe her ass. So, the sergeant goes back, handcuffs the roommate, has her sit outside. He searches the cell and finds nothing. He goes back to cell 20 to talk to the girl. She starts yelling “She took a shit and wiped her ass on everything !” She throws out her sweatshirt, sheet, night gown, and blanket. While she was handcuffed downstairs, her roommate did take a shit and did wipe it on everything. It was disgusting. I guess that was her payback. I’m not sure what kind or how many write ups there will be, but I’m sure at least one of them will be moving housings. This morning was insane. Sure lots of action. But, really, I don’t need “action”. I need to be out of here. I don’t belong in this looney bin. The second I have a chance, I’m speaking to the sergeant personally. I need to be moved to a “normal” unit. I am not a behavioral problem. Surprisingly, after meds, the deputy let us all out, both tiers. We got an hour. 9-10am. She’s on shift with us the rest of the day, so I should be getting out 3 more hours this afternoon. It started out wild and looking like “Lockdown Saturday”, but it turned out not too bad. Our original deputy returned this afternoon. So, we had to split the time. I am just thankful we got out. I hope this deputy isn’t back tomorrow, she’s absolutely miserable. She’s so annoyed to be bothered, you hate to ask her for anything. I hope we have a good evening deputy. I have a visit tonight, it’s my Mom and Daughter. I have not seen my Mom in two months. 

The deputy almost forgot about me again, but we made it. It actually started 30 seconds early. I can’t believe it ! Had a really nice visit tonight. The extra time out of my cell was nice as well. 

Our tier got out at 8:30pm and our deputy gave us a late night, which is an extra hour out. I guess if you pass inspection (entire unit), you get rewarded. So, at 10pm, she let the bottom tier out and extra hour too. It was a nice surprise. 

Day 39 (10/31/14) Her Husband refused to pick up the phone..

Happy Halloween ! It’s my first official “holiday” I am missing while being locked up. It’s a little sad and depressing, but I am looking at it as another day closer to going home. I am staying positive and keeping my eye on the prize, which is getting home to my family. 

The night was a quiet one. We made it through without any tirades. But, about an hour after breakfast, our neighbor started up again. The deputy just ignored her for a while, but she wouldn’t stop. So, the deputy came upstairs and asked her to be quiet, because everyone was trying to sleep. Amazingly, it worked and she settled down and we were able to sleep. The crazy thing is she had a new roommate in there with her. I can’t believe someone got stuck in that cell with her. The mental health ward is full so this unit gets the overflow. That is the reason we have to split the tiers, because there is too many “crazies”.  Again, I don’t understand why we don’t have better mental health facilities. We shouldn’t be throwing them in jail like this. They need help and treatment. They spent all this money on this new women’s jail, but no money on building a new facility or a better program to treat these women with mental health issues. They need trained professionals who specialize in handling and dealing with the mentally ill. They need to separate the “regular” inmates from the mentally ill inmates. It’s just not fair to either one of us. These women are an “inconvenience” to society, so the government puts them away. Locking them up is the easiest way to deal with them. It’s so frustrating, I don’t think people realize what is going on and really happening in here. Society just assumes that since you were arrested or convicted, you’re a criminal and a bad person. You’re looked at with judgement and disapproval, when in fact there are different circumstances to each persons story. We don’t look at it or take the time to see and evaluate people on a case by case basis. We just lump everyone together, forget about them, and push them aside as a lost cause. 

After dinner was a little rough for me. I really missed my husband and kids. Some days it gets hard for me and tonight was one of those times. I even made an extra call to my Husband just to hear his voice. Makes me feel a little better. He was having a rough night too. Our kids were out enjoying Halloween and we were both alone. I hope to be home next year for Halloween. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side waiting for me. Not everyone is so fortunate. My roommate has been in here for eight months, her Husband has not picked up his phone when she has called. No visits, no emails, and no contact for eight months. He has just written her off. I don’t know if I could make it without my Husband. He is such a big support along with my kids and family. Without them, I don’t know if I could survive. 

But, talking to my Husband lifted my spirits. Then we got mail. I got two emails, one from my Dad, being Halloween jokes, then another amazing and loving email from my Husband. I got a chocolate lovers gift bag from my Sister. She is incredible. Even though I don’t need all the goodies, I loved it ! Shared the chocolate moon pie with my roommate. Can’t wait to eat the Twix bar (my favorite). Ended up having a decent night considering where I am. Thank God for my family.