Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Day 41 (11/2/14) “I may be locked up, but my misery is temporary..”

It was daylight savings today, so the sun was up early and so was I. Ended up having “Miss Personality” as our deputy again. This is day 3 with her, so unfortunately, we are probably stuck with her another 2 days. Not too happy about that, I am hoping to be moved in the next day or two. Hoping and praying.
We have lockdown all morning. It was so hard. 4 hours waiting to get out for 10 minutes at lunch. I couldn’t relax, I had so much anxiety. I hate these days. 
We get out for lunch, the Charger game is on, but the Chargers are losing 20-0 so It’s really not starting off a good day. We have been in all morning, so after lunch I politely ask for a pencil and some pads. The deputy just huffs and puffs because I am putting her out. Then she gets a pencil and throws it across the desk at me. She is one miserable woman. She hates us, she hates her job, and hates being bothered. She’s on her cell phone the entire time. Her attitude is horrific. Again, it’s the power. She has it all and we have none. So I just say thank you and walk away. I may be locked up in this hell hole, but my misery is temporary. I have a great family and life waiting for me. This deputy’s life is just misery. I almost start to feel bad for her, but then I don’t ! Just have to power through the next few days and then she will be gone. 
My roommate went to mental health services today. Did you know it takes a month to see a doctor over there ? They have very minimal mental health staff or resources. It’s just so unacceptable to me as I am surrounded by so many women suffering from PTSD, abuse, past trauma, and most have drug problems because they are trying to erase the pain. So why aren’t they trying to help these women with real programs and services ? Why do we just dope them up and lock them away ? People may think it’s not worth spending the money, but they eventually get back on the street and in our communities. Shouldn’t we put them back out there healthy or at least with some help ? Again, it’s too easy to lock them up and forget. Out of sight, out of mind. 

I have been receiving emails from others out there that have been reading my story and have experienced it themselves or their family has. People who want reform and change like I do. Real change ! It feels good to know I have support from strangers. Makes me want to fight harder and be heard. To make a difference. To get together with these women and men. Work together to make a difference. My Husband forwarded me the emails and I was amazed and blown away. I sometimes feel so alone in the world. The hurt, the disappointment I caused, the shame and guilt I feel everyday for the mistake I made and the pain I caused my family. I feel like I am an outcast and do I even deserve forgiveness and a second chance ? I beat myself up inside as I failed and let everyone down. Then to read messages from total strangers who support me, are praying for me, and who want to work together on reform and change. I see now, I am not alone. I have more support than I ever realized. In the dark days, I have to remember there is light ahead. 

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