Monday, February 16, 2015

Day 62 (11/23/14) "Her Mom let her down so many times"

I had my visit with my Husband and Son. It was wonderful. I love and miss them so very much. I absolutely love the two visits I get a week. It helps me get through every week, every day, and every minute. I know when I leave and got to receiving, there will be nothing, so I can only hold onto what I have now. 
I felt guilty before my visit, my bunkie was supposed to have her visit with her Mom yesterday morning. She was so happy and excited on Friday. Her oldest Son is with her Mom right now, so she thought she might get to see him too. On Friday, she was really struggling with her Dad’s passing and the meds. I just kept trying to keep her positive and hopeful. Then she finds out she had a visit and confirmation of her GED class. She was in high spirits. We cleaned our cell together for inspection, we talked, we laughed. My bunkie was doing really well and I was so happy for her. She got up this morning and got ready. She was waiting excitedly when the deputy had to to tell her that her Mom never checked in. So, either she was a no-show or she was late. You have to check in one hour before your scheduled check in. If you are 2 minutes late, your visit can and will get cancelled. The news just devastated her. She was very upset and so let down. I felt horrible. She went back upstairs and slept the rest of the morning. I checked on her and asked if she was ok. She was so angry at her Mom. She shared how her Mom let her down so many times in her life. How she would steal and hustle to get rent money because her Mom would gamble it away. It was really sad to hear and she was so disappointed because her Mom knew how much she needed and wanted to see her because her Dad just passed away. She was so alone and this just crushed her. She would rather do her time alone than be set up for disappointment. I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I just listened and was there for her. She spent the entire day really depressed and slept the day and night away. It’s really painful to see women go through this nightmare all alone without love and support from family and real friends. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I have the support, I think that’s why I want to help others while I’m in here. I try to share that love, encouragement, support, and inspiration with others who might not have it on the outside. But, I do worry about what family and friends will be here all the way through this nightmare. I know it will change. People move on and live their lives and they forget. I can’t ask them to stop living. It’s my fault. I’ll hold tight onto what I have now. 
I hope even though I am in here, I hope I can still help others and make a difference. I read this quote in this book I’m reading. I loved it, will never forget it, and will live by it. “Never look down on a man unless you are trying to help him up”. 

I signed up for patio time today. There is a patio section outside the housing units. In front of the two buildings, 3AB and 3CD, there are cement chairs and picnic tables. The area is out in the open with grass and trees. Each unit (A,B,C,D), gets specific days and times to go out on the patio. There are no “in and out” privileges. You sign up and once you come back in, you can’t come back out. I went outside and sat in the sun for over an hour. I did some exercises, walked a little, and just laid there and let the warm sun beat down on me. I felt alive to see the blue sky, feel the sun, and breathe the fresh air. It was the first time in 9 weeks I was able to enjoy the outdoors. 
I watched the Charger game and started a new book. I struggled a little today. I have my moments when my desire to be home overwhelms me. God I miss my Husband and kids. They really need more and longer visits her. My Husband and kids are my strength. As the day comes to an end, I am thankful another week as passed. 

Being deeply loved by someone give you strength

While loving someone deeply gives you courage 

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