Monday morning I wake up to the popping of our cell doors. We have the AM shift. I am tired, but don’t hesitate to get up. I wash my face, brush my teeth, and head downstairs. It’s dead silent and not a soul around. I notice it’s my favorite deputy (she splits am and pm time with both tiers). She turns the tv on for me and hands me the newspaper. It’s just me, I love it ! I got 10 minutes of the dayroom all to myself. Watching the news and reading the paper. It was almost normal for a brief second. I enjoyed my morning. I also received my application to be a worker. So, the next step is medical clearance. I hope step two is soon and I can be working before the end of the month.
So, two girls decided to have a little squabble this morning about who cleans the room and takes the trash out. It was super lame, but so serious to them. I just can’t comprehend the petty bullshit fighting that goes on here. They ended up switching cells and are no longer cellmates. Like I said before, it’s like junior high school. One day you’re my best friend, next day you’re my enemy. I just ignore it and don’t get involved in any of these teenage games around here.
Time for laundry, thank goodness !
I did good today. Stayed busy, stayed positive, and for my Husband and kids, I stayed strong. I am feeling better. Just trying to power through the day and keep my head up.
I surprised my husband this afternoon with a call on his way home from work. I guess he really needed it. He said the drive home from work is the hardest and he was so happy to hear from me. He got choked up and had some tears and that made me cry. I told him I had made it all day without crying until now. I guess it was a rough night for everyone, my Daughter, my Son, and Husband. My Husband blames himself, seeing the kids upset just kills him inside and when they need me the most, I’m not there. I feel terrible. I want to be there for my kids and my Husband. I feel so guilty when I know they are hurting so bad and I can’t fix it. I feel so helpless. I mean, I’m sitting in here for 20+ hours doing nothing, while my family is out their struggling. There is nothing I can do to help them. The hardest part is being there for my kids. I don’t want them to hurt. I want to protect them from the pain. It kills me to know they hurt so bad. They are both very special and wonderful. I don’t want them to lose that spark inside. I want to give them each a big hug right now and tell them it’s going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.
The day started out good and promising, but ended terrible. I just want it to end. I was ready two months ago for the pain to be gone and peace to set in. But, it didn’t happen and I’m wishing it did right now. There is no point to my existence. All I have done and continue to do is bring pain to my family. At this point I don’t care about second chances. I don’t deserve one or want one. I just want my family to be happy again. To be able to move forward with their lives without the constant pain and torment I have caused them and continue to cause them. I have destroyed my Husband’s and children's lives. I am so stupid, why didn’t I fight harder ? I quit, I gave up, I settled. I never settle. I never give in, and I just laid down and died without a fight. By doing so, I destroyed my family with that decision. How did I let this happen ?!
Husband: I wanted to write a quick response to her words. My Wife was suffering from severe depression when she “took” a deal from the District Attorney. Depending on who you talk to, it was and was not the right thing to do. She had enough, she had given up on life at that point. My kids and I love her more than anything and we are not destroyed. Yes, it hurts like hell, but we will make it.