Last night was rough. I was in a very bad place and super down. My roommate had a breakdown too and was really upset. This place will do that to you. You have no control on your life on the outside. So you feel helpless. You are locked down for 20+ hours and you feel trapped and powerless. Time passes so slow, the days, the hours , the minutes just drag on and there seems to be no end to the pain and hurt you feel. There is nothing you can do to change your current situation. You’re trapped and then the hopelessness sets in and the loneliness builds up and you just want to give up.
It was a rough night for me because we had a different deputy, so the idea of getting out for 3 hours again was gone and immediately the anxiety set in. Knowing I am only going to get one hour just kills me. It’s my own fault. I set myself up for disappointment. I should have known it was a one time thing and to expect the same amount of time again was a recipe for disaster for me. Then I got my emails. My Sister did a bunch of research for me and I am super thankful for it. It was informative, but not promising on assisting me to get home to my family. Then the email from my Daughter just killed me. She is struggling and having a hard time now. She feels alone with no one to talk to or just be there for her . I am gone and she wishes I was there for her. My Daughter desperately needs me and I am not there for her, I feel awful. She is holding everything inside and it’s not healthy. She needs help, but doesn’t want it. The anguish I feel right now is unbearable. I want so desperately to be there for my Daughter and I can’t. This is so hard. I cry myself to sleep, praying that tomorrow is a better day for my Daughter. I pray that in the end, my Husband, Daughter, and Son make it through all this. I hope they know how much I love and miss them.
I wake up today not feeling great. But, I have two choices. I can drown in my tears and give up or I can stand up, be strong, and power through this day. I chose option two. I got up and I am powering through the day. I wouldn’t say I am happy or feeling good, but I can say that I am not giving up. I am fighting to be strong for my Daughter. If I don’t want her to give up, then I can’t give up. So, I am going to be strong and we are going to make it through this together. My family needs me and I need them. I just have to try and be there for them as much as possible while I’m away. I was pretty numb most of the day, but as the day progressed, I got better. Then I got my emails. My motivation to keep going got stronger. I am moving upward and onward. Like my Dad said “Don’t count the days. make the days count” I know I can do this. I just need to dig deep. I have an incredible family counting and waiting on me to come home. I refuse to let this beat me. I will overcome this and continue to fight everyday. I know I have a lot to offer and so much to give. I can and will do this. I will be stronger and a better person in the end.