Day 45 (11/6/14) “You’re going to prison, you’re a convicted felon, what the hell am I going..."

New deputy today. She is respectful and does a good job. Like she said “If you don’t give me any problems, I won’t give you any problems”. She does not split the the tiers in the morning and afternoon. So, we got the AM shift. So, that means 8 hours of lockdown until we get out again. These days are the hardest, but I called my husband this morning and just talking to him briefly gave me the strength to push through the day. I also have a visit tonight with my kids. My Daughter got this place to give her another visit after the debacle on Tuesday. I am so proud ! That’s my girl ! Being assertive and making things happen. 

My roommate let me borrow her book “Splintered, the Real Wonderland” So far it’s excellent. It sucks my roommate got removed from her really great housing unit, but I am thankful she’s my roommate. She’s my best roommate by far. She can talk too much at times, but I don’t mind at all. We get along great and it’s a treat to have someone without any mental illness or behavior problems. 

One of the girls came back from court today just so upset. She signed a “deal”, a four year sentence, she’s going to prison. She gets officially sentenced in December. I feel bad for her. I know what she’s going through and how she’s feeling. I went through it, it feels like the end of the world. Your life is over. What’s left ? Anything ? You’re going to prison, you’re a convicted felon, what the hell are you going to do ? Hopelessness sets in. You think what kind of future are you going to have ? Do you even have a future ? There’s a stigma that goes along with going to prison and being a criminal. No one wants that. You dwell on the past and the mistakes you made. The guilt and shame set in and you start to fall into  a depression. Then you think about the future. The unknown. The fear and anxiety starts up. It’s a crazy time, but from my own experience, you can overcome and find the strength to take on your fate and change to make a better future. Sometimes in life, stumbling blocks are not meant to be harmful to us, but instead they can be viewed as an opportunity to re-focus on our purpose ! I know now that my purpose was not to just collect a paycheck every week. It was to help others. Now, I feel I can really help others. I will not put this all behind me and forget, I will move forward and help. I can share my experiences and hopefully help women about to go through my situation. I will make that happen.