The Hardest Part - From the Outside (Husband)

You don't hear much about the Husbands or boyfriends when their Wives or girlfriends are sent to prison. Doesn't seem to be much talk about that. I'm sure there are several reasons for that. I don't have any problem sharing my journey. It's a nightmare. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. In fact I never really even think of myself. My family is my world. Kelly and my kids. They are everything. I write to my Wife in my journal everyday. Sometimes I just stare at her pictures at my desk while I'm writing. Like she's right in front of me......
The first few weeks weren't too bad. I was on the "The sooner you leave, the sooner you come home" mindset. Well, 4 months in, I'm struggling. I really miss you. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I want to call you after every thing new that I do. I want to tell you about my day. I want you to be proud of me. It's so hard Kel.  That is the hardest part for me. I can't talk and share things with you. It's hard to remember that this is only temporary. It hurts so bad. You know what kills me ? I can't remember what it was like when you were here. God, that makes me so sad to say.  It's been a tidal wave of so many things. I can see how some people would crumble going through this. I just don't think I have that in me. Mostly because of our children. I love them so much. I honestly didn't realize how much I did love them until now. Quitting and giving up has never been an option. Yes, there are days that I want to lay down and disappear for a day. I want some inner peace. I feel like I am not allowed happiness. I don't know why. Some days I feel like I cannot give and do anymore. I feel like a broken man. But, I find the strength. Somehow, I find it. Somehow it comes. I pray every night to be pointed into the direction of strength. Please show me the way, I will find it and I will take care of the rest. Just show me which way. That is how I live everyday. For now.
I was told that things don't get easier with time, you just get stronger. I can see that. The kids and I are closer and stronger than ever. But, we still have dark days. Some days we pull together, other days we stay apart. But, we always come back. We worry about you a lot and I'm sure you do the same about us. A close friend told me that this will show the kids what unconditional love is. I agree. We will make it through this, as a family. One day, when they go through heartache, they'll realize they can make it and it's not the end of the world. They will have learned that from their Mom and Dad.