Saturday, January 10, 2015

Day 48 (11/9/14) "I can't believe it ! I wanted to drop to my knees !"

I was very tired, so I was able to get a good night sleep and fell back to sleep after breakfast. I was awoken by the deputy calling my roommate for her medical appointment for her knee. I was so jealous that she got to escape the cell again and actually got to leave this place. I so desperately want out of this cell, lockdown is torture.  Now I’m awake and can’t sleep. I am anxious to see who our deputy is and how the day is going to go. That’s the problem with this unit, there’s no routine. Everyday different deputy, different rules, different schedule. I hate it. I hate waking up and not knowing when the cell doors are going to open. Will it be 7am, will it be after meds ? Will they split the time ? It’s just awful. I work myself up pacing the cell and crying because I miss my family and I just want to move housing units, so I can have less lockdown, more structure, and see my husband and kids. I feel horrible. I question can I make it here another 6 weeks in this housing unit. I don’t think I can. I am trying to dig deep and find the strength, but it’s so hard. It’s upsetting to be in this “behavioral” unit. I don’t belong here. I wish Classification would answer my request. 
We have inspection this morning. No issues or problems, we pass with ease. The deputy on duty is not known for giving us much dayroom time, UGH ! Not want I wanted today, we at least get out for 30 minutes this morning. Just enough time for a quick shower, get toilet paper and sharpen my pencils. 
Time for lunch then back to lockdown we go. My roommate is back and she tells me about her trip. How one of the girls that used to be in our unit was in the van. The one that hurt her had on purpose with the desk. I found out it was with a hairbrush, not the desk. She enjoyed medical for a while, but the cast came off today, and back to our unit she came. I hope she enjoyed the break. My roommate also share with me that one of the girls is “high risk” and is in unit 4B and in their unit, both tiers get out at the same time. What !? That makes me crazy if it’s true. My roommate also found out she should be going back to her old dorm room in two weeks. I am happy for her. She has a long road ahead of her and does not need to be spending it in housing 3F. I am going to be so sad when she leaves me. 
Well, we had afternoon dayroom time and when we locked down, I lost it again. I am really tired of feeling this way. As I am standing at my cell door looking outside, the deputy comes by and asks me what’s wrong. She has me come out of my cell and I lose it. I just tell her how much I miss my Husband and kids and how I have been waiting for Classification to get moved. It was nice that the deputy actually cared and listened to me. I felt better. When I was losing all hope and faith, I find the strength not to give up.

After dinner, I got the call I thought would never come......”B***E, ROLL UP” My request went through ! I am leaving Housing Unit 3F ! I can’t believe it ! I wanted to drop to my knees ! I am so happy and excited ! A little nervous and sad. I am sad to leave my roommate, I feel guilty leaving her, we had a bond and I wish she was going with me. I am a little nervous starting over.   All new faces and routine, and a new roommate. But, I am so excited and happy ! I can’t wait for my first visit and to hug my Husband and kids !! No more video visits ! I will have much less lockdown, hopefully less crazy and problem inmates as well. I pack up and say goodbye to my roommate. I promise I will be in touch with her in the future. I will help her get  a second chance. Then I wait and the deputy lets me go. I get to walk to my new dorm alone, no escort. I breathe the air, feel the freshness. It feels amazing !  I am dying to call my family ! I can’ wait ! I walk into my new housing Unit 3D. The deputy is nice, sends me to cell 25 and a new chapter in this journey is about to begin. I know I can power through the next 5-6 weeks with ease. I am going to be much stronger when it’s time to transfer. I will be able to see my Husband and babies before I go. I am so very thankful and reminded to never give up ! 

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