Thursday, January 8, 2015

Day 47 (11/8/14) Acquaintances & "Over the Wall"

I am tired today. I can feel it in my eyes. I want to sleep but I can’t. I was up around 6:30 this morning. It’s just so hard. I want to sleep my time away, but my mind won’t let me. Being up, I didn’t get to say goodbye to “Dirty Die”. She was one of my best “acquaintances” in here. She’s older and has a Daughter that’s the same age as my Son. She’s been to prison before and has really helped me with advice, what to expect, and answered all my questions. We always would trade at lunch. My mayo for her mustard. She was a really good lady. I will not forget her. I am actually sad she’s gone. I am so happy she’s out of here, but I will miss her. I know she won’t be back. Like she told me, she needed this to set her straight. Remind her what she has and to keep on the right path. I hope she keeps on the right path and maybe we will meet again. Just not in this setting. 
Today is just a rough day. I want to stop crying. It should be a good day, we have a really good deputy. I got out at 7am, read the paper, and called my Sister, did the stairs and showered. I get to come out in the afternoon as well. What more can ask for being in this housing unit. Today is a perfect day, yet I am sad. I think it’s a combination of things, missing my family, especially my Husband and kids, Die leaving today, and just being stuck in this housing unit. I really want to get transferred to another unit. One with  a little less lockdown. I know I would do so much better and be so much stronger if I get moved. I have 6 more weeks here at least. I am stressing, because when I get transferred I have another 30-90 days in receiving. That’s more lockdown. 6 months of total lockdown. I dread the thought of it and is why I’m not sleeping. It gets worse before it gets better and I’m trying to find the strength to make it through it all. Deep down I know I can. I know I can do it, but it’s not going to be easy. Not being able to sleep 10-12 hours a day is what’s going to make it rough. I’m hoping if I can get a job in the kitchen or a job cleaning I will be ok. I will make it, it’s having to lay around 15-16 hours a day with nothing to do. Waiting for each minute, each hour to tick by. Every second feels like an eternity. I do know I will be able to write and read books, so that will help, but still the thought of it all makes me anxious. I am ready to get it over with. The worst part of it all is not being able to call my Husband and kids. No phone calls while in receiving. I hope I get through receiving and “over the wall” (sent to mainstream prison) quickly. I am praying for record time, but I know nothing is ever fast when it comes to the system. 
I talked to the deputy before dinner about being transferred to another housing unit and she said I just need to be patient. I was being patient, but I have been here almost 50 days patiently waiting with excellent behavior. I’m tired of waiting. I miss my kids. So, of course I just lost it. It’s been  a while since I have cried so much. My roommate and I cried and talked for hours after dinner. I felt bad making her cry too, it was such  a rough day. She’s a good person. We listen to each other and support each other. We are good people who just want to go home. I take responsibility for my actions, my past poor choices. I want to serve my time, but why does the system punish my kids ? Just 1 contact visit a week is all I’m asking. 1 visit to keep the bond between mother and child is all I’m asking. You know how much less traumatic it would be for my Son and Daughter to be able to give me a hug. I know it’s my mistake, and I have to pay for my mistake I made, but I still have to go back home, back to my community, back to being their Mom. Why is it not considered ? Why isn't there more effort into re-entry, rehabilitation, and reunification ? 

We’ve had the same deputy the last four nights. She is wonderful. She opens the dayroom at 7, gives both tiers the full 90 minutes. She’s respectful to us, but does not tolerate anyone’s crap. Follow the rules and do what your told and there will be no problems. I appreciate the no-nonsense deputies. Both visits I have had on her shift were on time ! Then tonight, she let both tiers out at the same time and gave us late night (late night is when you get an extra hour of dayroom time on Saturday night if your unit passes inspection). So, were were out for 7:30pm - 11pm. It was amazing. There are days we don’t get out that much the entire day. So it was a nice surprise. I got to actually watch a movie, Sleeping Beauty. What was great was, she gave us a chance. Most deputies just hate this housing unit and don’t want to deal with us. But, she gave us a chance to earn the time out. She’s back tomorrow night, Wednesday, and Thursday. This week, if we listen and have no issues, we can be out the full 3 hours on the next 3 nights she works our unit. I am not sure if we earned it, there were no issues, but we did get loud one too many times (that’s the women that don’t know how to be quiet). I hope we get out again. I am thankful for the night, either way, the deputy put her ass on the line to give us a chance and do something nice. It was a pleasant change and reminds me that just like I don’t want the deputies lumping us together and labeling us all as “bad” or “problem” inmates or horrible people, I can’t label and lump all the deputies together as mean and heartless. It was a really good night after a long rough emotional day. 

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