Officially one week in the new housing unit. What an improvement this week was for me. It was much easier and time goes by quicker and the contact visits are amazing. Ideally, I would prefer to be home with my family, but under the circumstances, things are much better than Housing 3F. I know that this is the “calm” before the storm. I’m still waiting to be sent to CCWF in Chowchilla. But, I can only live day to day and try not to worry about that right now.
No inspection this morning. Corporal told us she did inspection last night while we were at dinner last night and we all passed. She was also very pleased that we got a good report from lunch today as well. That means we will get late night this weekend.
I actually got to watch almost the entire Charger game today, that was a first !
We had an incident last night during visitation last night. One of the inmate’s visitors had Nutter Butters in her pocket and ate them with the inmate. You can’t bring anything into the visit. You can eat and drink together in the visiting room, but the food and drink must be purchased from the vending machines that are in the visitation room. The deputy came over, made them move, separate, and scolded them. This was two minutes into the visit. She’s very lucky they didn’t end the visit.
After the families left, we all got yelled at and lectured. The deputy said now no one (visitors) was allowed to wear jackets into the visitation room, because they can’t trust anyone. One woman ruined it for hundreds of visitors. The deputy said just because they (deputies) are sitting here doesn’t mean we’re not watching and we go back through the tapes and re-watch everything after the visits are over. They threatened to remove us and our family members from the visiting list. What was worse to me, was the inmate that helped cause this, didn’t even care. I am on my first week of contact visits and here’s a dumbass trying to screw things up. She’s so lucky she only got a warning.
My visit last night was with my Husband and Son. It’s night and day, the contact visits compared to video visits. The difference it makes is huge. Especially because I have kids. I hate being away from my babies. At least being able to see them and hug them twice a week makes things easier on all of us. It keeps us close and keeps our bonds tight.
One of the girls had a visit from her 6 month old baby. Those are hard to see. Such a small baby needs her Mom. We make poor choices and don’t realize how they effect so many other people until it’s too late and the damage is done. I would never intentionally hurt my kids. I would do anything for them . I would die for my kids, they are my world. I just lost my way and thought I was doing the right thing. I went down the wrong path. I feel so much guilt and shame putting them through this. No child should have to experience the trauma of a parent to incarceration. I will make things right. Use this to show them we all make mistakes and no one is perfect. I am forever thankful that I have a Husband who loves his children and does his best to keep their lives as stable as possible. There are plenty of women that are the only parent and end up in here. It is so sad. There has to be a way to help them. That is one of my many goals when I get out of here.
What defines who we are, is how well we rise after we fail and fall. I will rise above and I will be stronger, and be a better person, Mom, Wife, friend, sister, and Daughter. I cannot thank all the family and friends enough that have supported me through these dark days. But, I will never stop trying.