Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 12 (10/4/14)

Saturday morning. Another new deputy today. She is a good one. She is splitting the morning and afternoon with both tiers. Should be a good day. My bunkmate is back to herself today. No hard feelings toward her. People with mental illness are just misunderstood. You have to have patience and not be afraid of them. I think too many people just write them off because of fear and ignorance. I am no expert by any means, but I embrace people that are different. 
I got a quick call to my Husband this morning, that was nice. Also, got to wish my Son good luck at his soccer game. I really worry about him every day. I know me being away has an effect on him. But, how big of an impact is it having I wonder ? Will he eventually hate me one day ? Will he blame me ? Will he feel like I’ve abandoned him ? Will he have issues in life or in future relationships because of this ? If he does, it will all be my fault. A mother is supposed to love, protect, and take care of her children. Mom’s are responsible for them to be healthy and happy with little baggage as possible. I feel like a horrible Mom today. I don’t know what to do. I am powerless in here. I can’t be there with them, so how do I insure my kids my kids come out ok after all this ? I worry about my Daughter everyday as well. But, she is 18 and my Son is only 11. So, my Son being younger, I fear the affects will be much more traumatic. I feel so much guilt. Especially, if bad choices or decisions are made. From my own experience, I know what childhood baggage can do to someone. Especially if it’s never addressed or dealt with. I didn’t face or address my issues until I was 38 years old. I don’t want my kids to live that torment. I want better for them, they are my number one priority. I would give my life for them. I hope they know and understand how much I love them and how sorry I am for their hurt and sadness they have had to endure because of me. I wonder how many other Mom’s like myself are in this place ? Why are there not better programs for Mom’s and their children ? More so, for the kids, so they can have a fighting chance to break the cycle. Make changes for a better future. The kids are innocent in this nightmare. Give them a chance so they don’t end up in Jail / Prison, in abusive relationships, homeless, on the streets, in gangs, and / or addicted to drugs / alcohol. There should be counseling services, support groups, kids activities, and programs.  Special bonding visits and calls for kids and their Mom’s. Maybe even a Mom’s support group in Jail / Prison. Where Mom’s can meet and discuss what they are going through. Different ways to cope and ideas on how to stay close to your kids while behind bars. 
This trip sure is one rough road. It’s not always easy in our society to get a second chance when you make a mistake. That’s why I want to name my foundation “Second Chances”. I have to give myself and other women like me a second chance. Without second chances, it’s so easy to give up and we can’t give up. We need a second chance for ourselves and our kids. 
If you get in trouble or break the rules, you get lockdown (there are 2 lockdowns I’ve experienced. One because there is a threat to the deputies and 2 because they are minimizing inmates being out at once). When you act out, you get your own “personal “lockdown. In your cell 24/7. The inmate in cell 13, directly under my cell, is in “personal” lockdown. She is not adjusting well to lockdown after lunch at all. She was screaming and was hysterical about wanting out or something. It was hard to understand what she was screaming.  She was banging on the door, sink and toilet. She was out of control and went on and on for some time. Then she was just yelling. The crying and screaming had stopped. She was yelling like she was possessed by a demon.  My roommate was napping and woke up. She was like “Who is that carrying on like that ?”. At that point, I just burst into laughter. Sometimes it’s all you can do. My Husband always said “Better to laugh than to cry”. 

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