Monday, October 20, 2014

Day 15 (10/7/14)

Last night after day room time, we had to move cells. My bunkmate moved to cell one and I am now in cell 11. I am on the bottom tier. I finally get comfortable and now I have to start over again. When I got in the new cell, my new bunkmate was already asleep. It took a while to fall asleep, because my mind was racing and I was sad about the move. But, I finally calmed down and fell asleep.
After breakfast I usually fall right back asleep again. But, not this morning. My bunkmate was sound asleep, snoring away. Snoring very loud. Snoring so loud, I couldn't take it. I wanted out of here. I needed earplugs desperately. But, I am not sure how much that would have helped. She finally quieted down enough that I could fall asleep. I woke up to the cell doors opening as usual. The top tier got the AM shift first, so I cleaned the cell and did my morning exercises. The inmate before me colored the walls with pencil, so I cleaned and got most of it off. That is grounds for a write up and lockdown. There is no way in hell I am doing any days on lockdown. I also let the deputy know that the cell was already like that. The deputy was very cool and said she knew. She was appreciative that I had cleaned it. My new bunkmate is not that clean or organized. It's hard to to clean up all her shit, but I manage. I cleaned the heck out of our cell while she slept. When she finally woke up she asked if it was lunch. I told her it was only meds (when inmates receive their meds) right now. She told me she sleeps the majority of the time, which is fine by me as long as she's not too loud with the snoring.
I feel like it's day one all over again and I hate it. I just want to go home, I really miss my family. I just can't wait to get out of here. My bunkmate goes to court on Thursday, so she may go home. Then I'll be having another new bunkmate by the end of the week. I sure hope I get someone "normal" and decent.
Being on the bottom tier has an entire new group of women. There are more that suffer mental illness down here. Including, my new bunkmate who asked me if I ever hear voices. I told her no, I don't hear voices. She informed me, that she hears voices all the time and she's trying to get her medication dose increased. I thought to myself "Really ??". My bunkmate not only hears voices, she talks back to them. I am on a crazy ride and I want off NOW ! This is going to be a long rough week.
I am out of books to read right now, so I know that it's making my time harder. I wish I was busier. Too much time just sitting around. We tried to play cards right after dinner, it was alright, but she loses focus easily. We will be playing one moment and the next moment she's off in another world.
I can't wait for day room time this evening. I really need to talk to my family. I miss them so much. Today was really rough and I was really down. I called them right away. When I heard my Husband say "Hello" I cried. I cried pretty much the entire phone call. I miss my Husband and kids so much. Of course, my Husband was amazing and he helped me through it. He is wonderful. I am thankful for him everyday. I can't believe how much he loves me. I wrote the following for him today:

Please take care of me, my heart aches and depression haunts my days.
I miss you desperately, as my depression deepens, my only hope is your love.
I need not to be troubled or afraid, for I need to remember I am deeply loved by you.
You are my rock, whom I find protection from the turmoil in my life.
You watch over me and encourage me to be strong. 
I know you are always with me, as I gaze up at the stars.
I love you.

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