Thursday, October 23, 2014

Day 16 / Part 2 (10/8/14)

Just finished lunch and a fight almost broke out. Who knows what it was about. Someone looking at someone wrong, someone butting into another inmates conversation, who knows. I don't know, but the one inmate who has already been on lockdown, was egging on the girl. "Let's go ! Come on ! See if you can beat my ass !" The girl looked like she was going to jump out of her chair and fight. I don't know who would have "won, it looked pretty even. They are both crazy. I said to Mama J "please don't fight. I don't want to be on lockdown this afternoon". The other inmate just wouldn't stop. Pacing, throwing her arms up. The other girls friends told her it wasn't worth it. It's not just a write and lockdown. It's additional charges. No fight is worth being in here longer. You have to be careful here because, there are girls here that are the "shit starters". The ones that don't fight, but convince others to fight and do their dirty work. You have to avoid them because they are not your friends no matter how much they try to convince you that they are. Real friends don't use you, they look out for you.
We all made it back to our cells without incident. Let's hope it stays that way. I want my full afternoon time.

So much for full afternoon time. We got out at 1pm and we were on lockdown at 1:30pm. Really ? 30 minutes ? I am sick of this. I didn't even get to call my daughter like I wanted and needed to. I am so frustrated. Another long unproductive day in my cell. I did talk to the deputy and she told me who and what to request to be moved to a different housing unit. So, I did that today. I just need to hope and pray it goes through. I do have a lot to offer and I hope they don't ignore it or forget about me. Don't leave me here to waste away.

My headache from earlier is back. I figured out what has caused it. They are doing construction outside and the smell of sulfur and rubber is coming through the vents in the cells. Remember, there is no ventilation in the cells except for the vents. I was smelling it yesterday and I smell it again.
The deputy listened and was nice enough to let us open the cell doors for fresh air. My headache is
almost gone.

I am struggling again today. I am better than yesterday, but my anxiety and depression won't seem to leave me alone. I haven't been eating and I keep crying all the time. I really hate feeling this way, but when all you do is sit around and wait for the time to pass you by, it's hard not to get down. I really miss my Husband and kids. I do my cell exercises, that helps me feel a little better. I also started drawing and coloring inspirational posters for my family. That helps the time go by and relaxes me. I finished my daughters today and am working on my Husbands now. While working on them, I came up with, "Posters from Prison". I could make these, sell them, and use the money for "Sisters for a second Chance".

I just took a crazy chance and volunteered to move back to the top tier. I think I am  going to be sick. I hope I made the right decision. It's 11pm and my bunkmate is fast asleep. So, we will see how tomorrow goes. My heart is racing like crazy, hope I can sleep.

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